I was so bored at work tonight I tried watching a soccer game. Once again, I give up. Yes, I am an American, and yes, maybe I’m prejudiced because we have so many awesome sports to choose from. But I’ve tried watching many a world cup, and aside from one famous head butt, I’ve been bored out of my skull every single time.
Here are three reasons why soccer sucks balls, and American Football rocks:
1- In American Football, you know exactly when something is going to happen. The game has 60 minutes of playing time, and a play happens every 40 seconds. Either the offense will gain yardage, or the defense will come up with a big stop, but big men are going to hit each other, and shit is going to be decided.
Soccer is 90 minutes long, but nothing ever happens. The ball meanders up the field, then back, someone takes a half-assed shot at the goal that misses by a mile. The whole time everyone is going out of their way to avoid contact with another player, lest they get a card.
You can also go take a piss when you’re watching American Football, because they take time outs for pissing, beer runs, whatever. They look out for the needs of Joe-Six pack. You go take a piss in Soccer and you come back you to find out you missed the only score in the whole fucking game.
2- Progress is measured in American Football. Each team runs for so many yards, passes for so many yards, the defense got so many sacks, interceptions, fumbles. You can come into the second half of an American Football game and see the stats and know exactly what each team has done, and why they are winning or losing.
In Soccer there is no progress to measure. It’s 80 minutes into this long, pointless contest and nobody has scored a single fucking point. They’re all losers.
3- American Football teaches men to act like men. They hit the guy on the other team and they celebrate. Further more, the guy who just got pancaked by a couple of 300 pound hicks has to get up and act like he didn’t feel a thing.
Soccer teaches men to act like pussies. When they accidently bump into somebody on the other team, they deny it, try to weasle their way out of it. Meanwhile the guy who got hit rolls around on the ground and cries like a little girl so maybe the officials will punish the big meanie who bumped into him with a brightly colored card.
Seriously, I know soccer has contact and people get hurt, but don’t tell me they aren’t faking it most of the time.
Any of you Europeans have anything to say in defense of this girly sport?