socializing isn’t that hard. it’s all about confidence.
find yourself since you obviously haven’t yet and be you. when you are comfortable in your skin you will be fine in any situation. well, almost any situation. seeing your gf standing next to your ex gf at a party, whom you thought had left town is still pretty awkward. especially if it was their first meeting and they didn’t even know who the other was.
How about limiting your social engagements to 5 hours. Six hours is pretty damn long. I can last about two hours before I need to be alone with my own thoughts. Two minutes if it’s noisy.
On the sub-thread, my diagnosis of C-Law is borderline Sociopath. Most his advise is good though (except the facial morphing thing). A sociopath has to figure out how to blend in with the humans. If you can get one to articulate how they do it, it can be very useful.
[quote]karva wrote:
You are exhausted from trying to be someone else. It’s ok to be shy. You wont dazzle anybody, but wont wear yourself out either. If you are nice you will still be nice, even when shy.[/quote]
ditto.
[quote]on edge wrote:
How about limiting your social engagements to 5 hours. Six hours is pretty damn long. I can last about two hours before I need to be alone with my own thoughts. Two minutes if it’s noisy.
On the sub-thread, my diagnosis of C-Law is borderline Sociopath. Most his advise is good though (except the facial morphing thing). A sociopath has to figure out how to blend in with the humans. If you can get one to articulate how they do it, it can be very useful.[/quote]
It is no wonder he diagnosed DW so quickly.
[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
It is no wonder he diagnosed DW so quickly.
[/quote]
DW? Arthur’s little sister?
[quote]texasguy wrote:
socializing isn’t that hard. it’s all about confidence.
find yourself since you obviously haven’t yet and be you. when you are comfortable in your skin you will be fine in any situation. well, almost any situation. seeing your gf standing next to your ex gf at a party, whom you thought had left town is still pretty awkward. especially if it was their first meeting and they didn’t even know who the other was. [/quote]
That kinda like telling someone with depression to “just snap out of it”.
[quote]on edge wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
It is no wonder he diagnosed DW so quickly.
DW? Arthur’s little sister?[/quote]
Not Dorothy Winifred, Diesel Weasel!
[quote]DeterminedNate wrote:
I don’t always need to be the life of the party. I just don’t need to be the dude whose standing there too afraid to say something after he’s already established himself as socially passable. It’s just plain weird. [/quote]
What I mean is that you seem anxious about your social performance. Initially you (over?) compensate for that by being ultra-sociable. If your performance slips then your anxiety and self-doubt increase, leading to worse performance and a vicious cycle, similar to a panic attack. Over time the expectation of this happening has probably become a source of anxiety itself, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Some of the factors here appear to be a belief that your friends will not like you if you are not consistently outgoing (they will) and that it’s vital to make a great first impression on strangers all the time (it’s not).
Once this pattern has kicked in I imagine that the feelings of anxiety and self-loathing tend to make you self-destructive and prevent you from removing yourself from the situation.
If I’m correct then the solution would be to correct your distorted view of the importance of your social impact and supply alternative thought patterns to break the viscous cycle I described. Cogniive behavioural therapy is supposedly good in these situations.
Does this make any sense or am I firing in the dark?
[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
on edge wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
It is no wonder he diagnosed DW so quickly.
DW? Arthur’s little sister?
Not Dorothy Winifred, Diesel Weasel![/quote]
Zap, I think you need to pay better attention. It’s Dora Winifred.
[quote]olderguy wrote:
texasguy wrote:
socializing isn’t that hard. it’s all about confidence.
find yourself since you obviously haven’t yet and be you. when you are comfortable in your skin you will be fine in any situation. well, almost any situation. seeing your gf standing next to your ex gf at a party, whom you thought had left town is still pretty awkward. especially if it was their first meeting and they didn’t even know who the other was.
That kinda like telling someone with depression to “just snap out of it”.
[/quote]
no it isn’t. depression is a mental illness. being scared of talking to people is just pathetic.
[quote]Jamougha wrote:
DeterminedNate wrote:
I don’t always need to be the life of the party. I just don’t need to be the dude whose standing there too afraid to say something after he’s already established himself as socially passable. It’s just plain weird.
What I mean is that you seem anxious about your social performance. Initially you (over?) compensate for that by being ultra-sociable. If your performance slips then your anxiety and self-doubt increase, leading to worse performance and a vicious cycle, similar to a panic attack. Over time the expectation of this happening has probably become a source of anxiety itself, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Some of the factors here appear to be a belief that your friends will not like you if you are not consistently outgoing (they will) and that it’s vital to make a great first impression on strangers all the time (it’s not).
Once this pattern has kicked in I imagine that the feelings of anxiety and self-loathing tend to make you self-destructive and prevent you from removing yourself from the situation.
If I’m correct then the solution would be to correct your distorted view of the importance of your social impact and supply alternative thought patterns to break the viscous cycle I described. Cogniive behavioural therapy is supposedly good in these situations.
Does this make any sense or am I firing in the dark?[/quote]
I don’t know about the OP, but you described my situation to a T.
Yeah I have the same problem alot. One step to fix it is to learn to be comfortable around people without having to talk. Don’t worry about going off by yourself during a party or some other social event for a breather. That is something that should be done.
If you drink and party constantly, then stop. Another thing is that, while you might be fun to be around when your Fucked up, no one really “likes” that type of person. While everyone enjoys getting wasted, if everytime you see a person you are wasted, that is not good. What I mean is that you wont develop any meaningfull relationships while fucked up.
Find some things to do on your own, that give you a sense of accomplishment. That will also give you things to talk about. It will also give you confidence.
Most people want to talk about themselves, and for that, you rarely have to say much. Alot of converstation is just listening. If you have trouble doing the talking, then just listen. You can direct the flow of converstation by asking questions. You also come across more trustworthy, and if you are the only person at the party that is not blitzed out of your mine, it only looks better for you. That being said, sometimes you just need to get blizted, but not ALL THE TIME.
Stop focusing on yourself, the best way to do that, is by helping other people.
If the only reason your friends like you, is because of how you act at a party or a social event then find some new friends.
If every time you hang out with your friends your at a party then find some new friends.
Trust me when I say you don’t want to be the guy at the party/bar that everyone “knows”.
I apologize if I am wrong in thinking, you are, or were at one time a heavy drinker or drug user.
[quote]texasguy wrote:
olderguy wrote:
texasguy wrote:
socializing isn’t that hard. it’s all about confidence.
find yourself since you obviously haven’t yet and be you. when you are comfortable in your skin you will be fine in any situation. well, almost any situation. seeing your gf standing next to your ex gf at a party, whom you thought had left town is still pretty awkward. especially if it was their first meeting and they didn’t even know who the other was.
That kinda like telling someone with depression to “just snap out of it”.
no it isn’t. depression is a mental illness. being scared of talking to people is just pathetic. [/quote]
Your diagnosis of “pathetic” is a little tough don’t ya think? And did you miss the “kinda like depression” part?
[quote]Jamougha wrote:
DeterminedNate wrote:
I don’t always need to be the life of the party. I just don’t need to be the dude whose standing there too afraid to say something after he’s already established himself as socially passable. It’s just plain weird.
What I mean is that you seem anxious about your social performance. Initially you (over?) compensate for that by being ultra-sociable. If your performance slips then your anxiety and self-doubt increase, leading to worse performance and a vicious cycle, similar to a panic attack. Over time the expectation of this happening has probably become a source of anxiety itself, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Some of the factors here appear to be a belief that your friends will not like you if you are not consistently outgoing (they will) and that it’s vital to make a great first impression on strangers all the time (it’s not).
Once this pattern has kicked in I imagine that the feelings of anxiety and self-loathing tend to make you self-destructive and prevent you from removing yourself from the situation.
If I’m correct then the solution would be to correct your distorted view of the importance of your social impact and supply alternative thought patterns to break the viscous cycle I described. Cogniive behavioural therapy is supposedly good in these situations.
Does this make any sense or am I firing in the dark?[/quote]
Brotha, you HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD, word for fucking word on this one. Right on the money. Thanks, seriously. Cuz I’m not going anywhere in life with a fundamental lack of self-confidence, it doesn’t mean jack shit if I can bench press a lot.
I really don’t see what the problem is here.
I am similar in that it takes a lot of mental energy for me to be around people, even close family. I’m a rather charismatic, likeable guy, but when that energy is gone I get irritable, even hostile. Which is odd, because I like people. I’m a good listener because I’m interested in the way they talk even if I could care less about what they are saying. But even so, I inevitably burn out. Probably because I spent way too much time alone when I was a kid.
But when I feel that my social energy is running low, I leave. This should be even easier for you because you know exactly when it is going to happen. I mean, who the hell needs to spend 6 hours at a beer festival? Especially if you’re not getting smashed. Just stop worrying, and stop trying to be somebody else and go the fuck home when your time is up.
Also, you didn’t get fired because of your lack of social stamina, or at most it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
You got fired because you hated your job and it showed. And you just found out that your sister had been raped. Nobody would be in any condition to work after hearing something like that.
So don’t blame that bit of misfortune on your “condition.”
[quote]on edge wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
on edge wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
It is no wonder he diagnosed DW so quickly.
DW? Arthur’s little sister?
Not Dorothy Winifred, Diesel Weasel!
Zap, I think you need to pay better attention. It’s Dora Winifred.[/quote]
I thought it was Dora the Explorer.
[quote]olderguy wrote:
texasguy wrote:
olderguy wrote:
texasguy wrote:
socializing isn’t that hard. it’s all about confidence.
find yourself since you obviously haven’t yet and be you. when you are comfortable in your skin you will be fine in any situation. well, almost any situation. seeing your gf standing next to your ex gf at a party, whom you thought had left town is still pretty awkward. especially if it was their first meeting and they didn’t even know who the other was.
That kinda like telling someone with depression to “just snap out of it”.
no it isn’t. depression is a mental illness. being scared of talking to people is just pathetic.
Your diagnosis of “pathetic” is a little tough don’t ya think? And did you miss the “kinda like depression” part?
[/quote]
no and no.
unless you were tormented or abused endlessly as a child.
[quote]CaliforniaLaw wrote:
Airtruth wrote:
On a Side note 6 hours is a long ass time to be socializing, damn take a break or something.
I look at introversion like this: We have anaerobic energy for social activities. We have great strength in short bursts, but we need lots of rest periods. Extroverts are marathon runners. They can keep blabbing on about nothing forever.
It’s not an issue of changing yourself. It’s an issue of recognizing where you are strong - and capitalizing on that. You must also recognize where you are weak - and mitigate those weaknesses.
After a long day, some port and a cigar does the trick for me. Others have different ways to refresh themselves.
What’s important is, as with training, finding what works for you.[/quote]
not to single claw out, but his post is easy to expand on.
i think retreating in to your fear of social situations is the worst thing you can do.
as with any situations, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.
if viewing socializing as weight lifting helps, do that. but instead of working hard and quitting, look at it from another angle.
pick that one exercise that you really hate to do but know you must work on because it is your weak link. concentrate on that exercise often until you strengthen it.
put yourself in social situations, see that people are people, all have their own personalities, faults, positives etc.
realize not everyone will like you, and you will not like everyone for a variety of reasons.
if you need a spotter, bring a good friend you can tag along with if need be, but try to squeeze the lift out yourself.
you can teach yourself to be social. everyone does, whether it is a process picked up as a child or one a late bloomer experiences, and all people adapt as they age and develop to new peer groups, new likes and dislikes etc.
all people are nervous in some situations too. i would wager even the people in the public eye get nervous around their peers be it brad pitt or george bush.
basically, just quit being a wuss.
you need to find friends that except u 4 u.
so you dont need to put up any inauthentic fronts ie not even having to try, just natural that way u r u for the whole day, not for a time period