I honestly don’t know what my problem is. Since my return a year ago, nothing has been the right for me. I’ve been an emotional wreck. From really good highs to really bad lows. Nothing seems to stay good for long. My finances are still a wreck, although I am still in the process of fixing them.
As for a social life, forget it. I am a walking conundrum. I want to have friends and be social, however, I don’t want to be bothered with it emotionally. I think I fear what everyone will think of me. I can be the social butterfly, but it’s only a front.
The real me only wants the comfort of a couple of friends to hang out with. A significant other that I can be myself with. Friends, overall. I find that I don’t have any of that. I had a somewhat girlfriend for a lil while, however, she is off in her own selfish world. As much as I love her, support her, have her back, and then some, I’m nothing more than an afterthought. Never considered or appreciated. I can only sit back and watch in dismay as she continues to make bad choices.
Of course, I’m slightly biased.
Some people would say find support in family, however, with my rocky past, even that is awkward at best. I succumbed to a fit of anger with my lil niece, so I choose to stay away from her and the rest of my family due to shame. I know I could always apologize, but I still feel like an asshole just thinking about it. My mother is trying to make up for our somewhat volatile history, however, that will take a while.
While I have more family than that, I’m just not interested in reaching out to them. From a grandmother who only asks if I’m getting my dick wet, to an uncle that still treats me as though I’m a five year old, to an aunt I would not shed a tear for had she died, I’ve no real, tangible family to reach out to.
I do see a therapist and doc, as I was diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, and traits of a personality disorder, however, I still don’t have anything solid to hold on to. I still don’t have that light at the end of the tunnel. I’m working out, training, keeping busy, but to what end? Even my work is suffering. I pretty much have to go in every day to get my ass chewed for one thing or another by the powers-that-be. I used to be a really good soldier. Now, I feel like a private all over again.
Simple things that used to be second nature are now tripping me up on a daily basis. I’m giving serious thought to actually getting out, however, my battalion commander feels otherwise.
While this is just a rant, or bitch-session, I’m intrigued as to what you all think or would do in this situation. I’m pretty much at rock bottom, so I’m open to suggestions. I only ask that you not get rude about things. Simple enough. Thanks.