T Nation

Just Venting A Bit


#1

I honestly don't know what my problem is. Since my return a year ago, nothing has been the right for me. I've been an emotional wreck. From really good highs to really bad lows. Nothing seems to stay good for long. My finances are still a wreck, although I am still in the process of fixing them.
As for a social life, forget it. I am a walking conundrum. I want to have friends and be social, however, I don't want to be bothered with it emotionally. I think I fear what everyone will think of me. I can be the social butterfly, but it's only a front.

The real me only wants the comfort of a couple of friends to hang out with. A significant other that I can be myself with. Friends, overall. I find that I don't have any of that. I had a somewhat girlfriend for a lil while, however, she is off in her own selfish world. As much as I love her, support her, have her back, and then some, I'm nothing more than an afterthought. Never considered or appreciated. I can only sit back and watch in dismay as she continues to make bad choices.

Of course, I'm slightly biased.
Some people would say find support in family, however, with my rocky past, even that is awkward at best. I succumbed to a fit of anger with my lil niece, so I choose to stay away from her and the rest of my family due to shame. I know I could always apologize, but I still feel like an asshole just thinking about it. My mother is trying to make up for our somewhat volatile history, however, that will take a while.

While I have more family than that, I'm just not interested in reaching out to them. From a grandmother who only asks if I'm getting my dick wet, to an uncle that still treats me as though I'm a five year old, to an aunt I would not shed a tear for had she died, I've no real, tangible family to reach out to.

I do see a therapist and doc, as I was diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, and traits of a personality disorder, however, I still don't have anything solid to hold on to. I still don't have that light at the end of the tunnel. I'm working out, training, keeping busy, but to what end? Even my work is suffering. I pretty much have to go in every day to get my ass chewed for one thing or another by the powers-that-be. I used to be a really good soldier. Now, I feel like a private all over again.

Simple things that used to be second nature are now tripping me up on a daily basis. I'm giving serious thought to actually getting out, however, my battalion commander feels otherwise.
While this is just a rant, or bitch-session, I'm intrigued as to what you all think or would do in this situation. I'm pretty much at rock bottom, so I'm open to suggestions. I only ask that you not get rude about things. Simple enough. Thanks.


#2

[quote]Beast27195 wrote:
I honestly don’t know what my problem is. Since my return a year ago, nothing has been the right for me.[/quote]

I don’t know but hang in there.

“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.”

[quote]Beast27195 wrote:
I used to be a really good soldier. Now, I feel like a private all over again.

Thanks.

[/quote]

So I’m guessing you were on tour and you got back recently? You feel that you’re no longer the same? Maybe I’m taking you far too literally.

Details?


#3

[quote]swissrugby67 wrote:
Beast27195 wrote:
I honestly don’t know what my problem is. Since my return a year ago, nothing has been the right for me.

I don’t know but hang in there.

“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.”

Beast27195 wrote:
I used to be a really good soldier. Now, I feel like a private all over again.

Thanks.

So I’m guessing you were on tour and you got back recently? You feel that you’re no longer the same? Maybe I’m taking you far too literally.

Details?

[/quote]

I got back a year ago, but ever since, I’ve been…different. I used to be able to cope with whatever was going on, however, that’s not the case anymore. There are days where I just want to just sit and cry, for no apparent reason. It’s like I continually wear my heart on my sleeve. That’s not me at all, and yet, that is the way I have been since returning.


#4

[quote]Beast27195 wrote:
I got back a year ago, but ever since, I’ve been…different. I used to be able to cope with whatever was going on, however, that’s not the case anymore. There are days where I just want to just sit and cry, for no apparent reason. It’s like I continually wear my heart on my sleeve. That’s not me at all, and yet, that is the way I have been since returning. [/quote]

No doubt things are getting to you after all that you have seen. Maybe you are walking around with your heart on your sleeve because you never thought you would be back here to do that. It can get quite overwhelming, I feel for you.


#5

Hey Beast

I just posted a thread about my short temper as I hate feeling things spin out of control for me.

there were some good suggestions such as a punching bag, perhaps something hormonal, thyroid issues, even something in the back of my head trying to get some attention.

The one thing that seemed to be what they were saying was that I needed to figure it out to fix it.

You mentioned that although you have a diagnosis you don’t feel you have anything to hold on to. Why do you think that is? Do you miss the camaraderie?

Are you moving too fast? Do you think maybe you are pushing yourself too hard and too fast to the normal world?

I hope this thread and the venting helps you some, mine did.


#6

If it makes you feel any better, there are many other people feeling the way you do right now. I have a couple of relatives who feel like they came back different people.

Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time to adjust. Eventually, you may have to accept that you’ll never be the person you once were, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Just hang in there. You’ve got plenty of people pulling for you, whether you realize it or not.


#7

sounds a little like PTSD I know you said you were diag. with that.
Go talk to someone about that
I have PTSD not from seeing millitary action but from being in several horrific accidents

I know how you feel but hang in there you will be fine.
and again go see someone about this get it taken care of asap.


#8

Asking for help is the first step. Find some people who are in the same situation as you to talk to. No one that hasn’t been in your situation can understand what you are going thru. I have a friend that is going thru the same things right now and he has been back since 2004 and I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do or say to relieve his guilt, etc.

In the meantime, if you find it may help get a big fat bag of some grade A Chronic to help calm the voices. I would stay away from booze though.


#9

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

Hey Beast

I just posted a thread about my short temper as I hate feeling things spin out of control for me.

there were some good suggestions such as a punching bag, perhaps something hormonal, thyroid issues, even something in the back of my head trying to get some attention.

The one thing that seemed to be what they were saying was that I needed to figure it out to fix it.

You mentioned that although you have a diagnosis you don’t feel you have anything to hold on to. Why do you think that is? Do you miss the camaraderie?

Are you moving too fast? Do you think maybe you are pushing yourself too hard and too fast to the normal world?

I hope this thread and the venting helps you some, mine did.[/quote]

A punching bag, eh? I train in Muay Thai. It used to be a release for me. Now I find that my issues stay with me even as I train. As for testing and such, with the diagnoses, I’m on a mixture of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. I have to get things checked every 90 days to ensure things are operating normally.

I feel I don’t have anything or anyone to hold onto because I don’t. With my emotions running amuck, I don’t put much faith in people to want to befriend a wreck, much less get involved with one. The “ex” broke things off because she felt I got too comfortable. I don’t get that. Although my finances weren’t the best, I more than carried my weight in the house. I cooked, cleaned, became handy-man, took care of the pups, the whole nine yards. I would give her nightly foot-rubs to boot! And I got too comfortable. I and my therapist feel she is scared. Fear or not, I wasn’t appreciated while I did all of this. Even when we cooled off, I continued keeping things in order in the house, on top of paying more than half the rent.

I still have to fight with her to be considered. The logical solution would be to move, however, I’m not ready financially just yet. I’m looking at the beginning of the new year to vacate. Beyond that situation, I don’t have anyone to talk to or whatever. The few people that are friends are married and a good distance away. To sum this up, I’ve got no one. And camaraderie is just one piece of the puzzle I miss.

As for moving too fast, I considered that. I don’t have an answer to that, as I have no way of putting the brakes on if I am. I have no idea how to slow down, or if I even want to attempt to. If I slow down, then what do I do?


#10

[quote]LIFTICVSMAXIMVS wrote:
Asking for help is the first step. Find some people who are in the same situation as you to talk to. No one that hasn’t been in your situation can understand what you are going thru. I have a friend that is going thru the same things right now and he has been back since 2004 and I feel helpless because there is nothing I can do or say to relieve his guilt, etc.

In the meantime, if you find it may help get a big fat bag of some grade A Chronic to help calm the voices. I would stay away from booze though.[/quote]

My metabolism is too high for good bud. It would not be cost effective for me. Alcohol is right up there as well, as I can hold more than my own. The weed got left alone many years ago, and the alcohol is not an everyday thing. Hell, it’s a blue moon sort of thing, really.


#11

Beast, you’re dealing with your stuff, it just takes time. Be patient. Sometimes things get worse before they get better, just because you’re digging around at what’s inside you and poking at your hurt spots.

Your niece…can you apologize? I hate to see you withdraw from people who are important to you. And shame doesn’t lessen, it just gets worse.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so twisted up. My advice is to just expect it to take time and don’t do anything drastic (like get out of the military).

Take care.


#12

Most people don’t like having this suggested, but have you tried anti-depressants?

You’re story basically reads like a textbook clinical depression case.

Despite what you may have heard about them, they really help a lot of people get back on track.


#13

5-HTP perhaps? I’m told it does the job of Prozac without the crazy (and somewhat counter intuitive) side effects.


#14

[quote]Beowolf wrote:
Most people don’t like having this suggested, but have you tried anti-depressants?

You’re story basically reads like a textbook clinical depression case.

Despite what you may have heard about them, they really help a lot of people get back on track.[/quote]

I’m already on both anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. At this point, the doc will probably recommend increasing my dosage. I’m not really for that, as I’m just now starting to lose the weight I gained. But, that could just be part of my funk. Who knows? Thanks for the suggestion.


#15

[quote]Makavali wrote:
5-HTP perhaps? I’m told it does the job of Prozac without the crazy (and somewhat counter intuitive) side effects.[/quote]

Prozac didn’t work at all for me. Did nothing.


#16

Why, if you dont mind me asking, are you on anti-psychotics? What symptoms were you experiencing? If you dont feel comfortable answering here, a PM would be appreciated, unless you also feel uncomfortable with that, which is understandable.


#17

[quote]Defekt wrote:
Why, if you dont mind me asking, are you on anti-psychotics? What symptoms were you experiencing? If you dont feel comfortable answering here, a PM would be appreciated, unless you also feel uncomfortable with that, which is understandable. [/quote]

I am on Abilify and Seroquel for Bipolar Disorder. One of the changes I’ve experienced was/is NO focus, racing thoughts, insomnia, etc. etc. So I am on a low dosage of both of them to “even things out” and to help me sleep at night. Within the course of a day, I would experience a moderate high, soon followed by a very bad low. Not so bad that I can’t function, but low enough that I just want to sit at my desk and cry, or rage out at anything that bothers me. I’ve actually gotten to the point of tears on a couple of occasions, as well as kicked down a wall in a fit of anger.


#18

Stop being a pussy!

Ok really just kidding, you gotta keep your sense of humor, it will save you. One of the things that seems to be a common theme is your submersion in the physical world around you. Not sure what your religious backround is if you even have one, but going back to your faith may be something you can build on. I personally have little faith in chemicals or doctors who perscribe them to treat what is essentially an EMOTIONAL problem. By emotions, I mean the part of you that is not physical. If you have little or no religious or spiritual backround, May I suggest reading the book, Conversations with God, By Neal Donald Walsch. It does not subscribe to any specific religion, people of different faiths can still get value out of the book.

The main reason I am suggesting this is because I went through a low period of my life also, Granted the circumstances aren’t the same as yours, but in reality, no ones situation will ever be the same. But through reaching out to my spiritual side, I was able to understand myself wholly like I never was able to before. Things that I once felt were bad and things that would cause me sadness, depression, anger, anxiety, etc, were reflected upon and turned into things that were positive experiences. It is a long road to haul, and you will have to work to improve in this area just like you have to work in the gym to get a better stronger body. Start with that book and then PM me or start a new thread with any questions you have, I can help you find the path, but you must walk it.

Above all else, know that someone loves you.

V


#19

[quote]Beast27195 wrote:
Defekt wrote:
Why, if you dont mind me asking, are you on anti-psychotics? What symptoms were you experiencing? If you dont feel comfortable answering here, a PM would be appreciated, unless you also feel uncomfortable with that, which is understandable.

I am on Abilify and Seroquel for Bipolar Disorder. One of the changes I’ve experienced was/is NO focus, racing thoughts, insomnia, etc. etc. So I am on a low dosage of both of them to “even things out” and to help me sleep at night. Within the course of a day, I would experience a moderate high, soon followed by a very bad low. Not so bad that I can’t function, but low enough that I just want to sit at my desk and cry, or rage out at anything that bothers me. I’ve actually gotten to the point of tears on a couple of occasions, as well as kicked down a wall in a fit of anger. [/quote]

From your posts ive gathered that the medication doesnt really help you at all?

thanks for your response


#20

[quote]Defekt wrote:
Beast27195 wrote:
Defekt wrote:
Why, if you dont mind me asking, are you on anti-psychotics? What symptoms were you experiencing? If you dont feel comfortable answering here, a PM would be appreciated, unless you also feel uncomfortable with that, which is understandable.

I am on Abilify and Seroquel for Bipolar Disorder. One of the changes I’ve experienced was/is NO focus, racing thoughts, insomnia, etc. etc. So I am on a low dosage of both of them to “even things out” and to help me sleep at night. Within the course of a day, I would experience a moderate high, soon followed by a very bad low. Not so bad that I can’t function, but low enough that I just want to sit at my desk and cry, or rage out at anything that bothers me. I’ve actually gotten to the point of tears on a couple of occasions, as well as kicked down a wall in a fit of anger.

From your posts ive gathered that the medication doesnt really help you at all?

thanks for your response [/quote]

The meds mostly help with my sleep, as without them, I’d be up all night with all kinds of thoughts racing through my head. I guess that is a plus.