EDIT: thanks guys
What’s up, man! I’m also applying for colleges right now (but not to GWU).
Your essay contains a lot of fluff. You could condense it quite a bit. Basically mentioned that it is awesome because it is in a city and had a metro station on campus and then repeated this many times. I don’t know if the school would like it if all you cared about is its urban setting. There also isn’t a point to being surprise by the number of students. Try to focus on what you actually want to learn there. Also expand on what you like about the city’s history. Finally make sure to discribe exactly what is special to you about GWU, not just the city, because there are many other schools in Washington DC.
[quote]cct wrote:
What’s up, man! I’m also applying for colleges right now (but not to GWU).
Your essay contains a lot of fluff. You could condense it quite a bit. Basically mentioned that it is awesome because it is in a city and had a metro station on campus and then repeated this many times. I don’t know if the school would like it if all you cared about is its urban setting. There also isn’t a point to being surprise by the number of students. Try to focus on what you actually want to learn there. Also expand on what you like about the city’s history. Finally make sure to discribe exactly what is special to you about GWU, not just the city, because there are many other schools in Washington DC.[/quote]
thanks man, this is just the rough draft so it will obviously end up being a lot different from its current state, but I’d like to have all possible input and criticism right away so that I have a clearer picture when doing the final draft
It is very conversational and unprofessional.
Don’t use the word cute, and don’t reference girls, or that Cupcake thing unless it is a campus tradition.
Yeah focus on the school itself big time. everything you wrote should be contained to a paragraph. The setting of the university is good but they need to know that you want to STUDY there and hopefully make a contribution to their academic environment. the physical environment is a far second for them.
You do have some good ideas to work with though. The “cute girls at Georgetown cupcake” could serve as a comedic relief of sorts if well placed so I wouldn’t drop that.
Also, highlight your cultural heritage a bit more. Learning in college is a large part a function of the people there and part of a truly great college experience is having a large diversity of people on campus. colleges know this and act accordingly.
[quote]cct wrote:
Finally make sure to discribe exactly what is special to you about GWU, not just the city, because there are many other schools in Washington DC.[/quote]
x2. Essay didn’t even address GW at all, which is very important. All I read was that you were impressed with washington dc, not really GW in particular. Honestly, the initial “hook” was weak too. Just remember that the people reading these essays probably read hundreds of these a week, so you should spend a lot of time crafting your first couple sentences.
Additionally, don’t use contractions in any essay… ever. The contractions should never appear in any sort of work you are going to submit for an application (unless you’re writing a story and that is how the character speaks).
[quote]mwebb wrote:
The “cute girls at Georgetown cupcake” could serve as a comedic relief of sorts if well placed so I wouldn’t drop that.
[/quote]
Nothing says “I can’t wait to study hard and get a great education” like [quote]cute girls at Georgetown cupcake[/quote].
I would be weary of using that to the point of not using it. You never know if the person reading this has a daughter who is one of those cute girls, etc…
I’ll be honest since I’m not too good yet at WO routine info but I’m pretty good at college…if this essay is to enter GWU, like the big campus I’m thinking of, you need to kick it up a bit. No offense it is good quality but for a school like this, you need to explain why you really want to attend. Hit them with cultural diversity, future goals, your contributions to the university and how there program will help you excel. Most importantly, you need to explain why your better than the other canidate wanting you spot.
alright guys thanks a lot for your input, I am now making it better, I will make a new thread with my revised version once it’s done. Keep the ideas coming, the more the better. BTW, the reason I decided to write it about what I wrote was that they are going to probably get thousands of essays which just tell of a bunch of facts of GWU, they already know their facts I don’t need to remind them of them. But I do agree that I went overboard with not adressing the actual school
an easy (and great) thing to do (even though its boring as hell) is to just look up the “mission statement” of whatever college you are applying to, why you admire the college for that, and how you embody that mission statement.
Ok, I have erased everything except the second paragraph, which I made my intro
[quote]myself1992 wrote:
Ok, I have erased everything except the second paragraph, which I made my intro[/quote]
Yeah man, when is it due by? The guys here will make sure you get in
[quote]Jockin_101 wrote:
myself1992 wrote:
Ok, I have erased everything except the second paragraph, which I made my intro
Yeah man, when is it due by? The guys here will make sure you get in[/quote]
The deadline is around January but I’m aiming to have everything sent by November 15th
[quote]myself1992 wrote:
Jockin_101 wrote:
myself1992 wrote:
Ok, I have erased everything except the second paragraph, which I made my intro
Yeah man, when is it due by? The guys here will make sure you get in
The deadline is around January but I’m aiming to have everything sent by November 15th[/quote]
Not bad, I start at Troy in January…the process is slow and crappy but if you have good advisers is really helps
Many good points already mentioned. Another thing to think about; say things you know they want to hear, depending on what program you’re applying to, talk about what you hope to achieve in your career and such. I was asked this question during my application process so I knew if I talked about wanting to go on to benefit society with my work and solve large complex problems that will benefit humanity they would be all up in my shit. Good luck man.
ok, essay has been revised and corrected and revamped and bettered and improved, it is been edited into the OP
to be completely honest, I still think the intro is weak. also, while you made it a more formal, you lost the narrative feel. you summarize 2 GW programs but you don’t demonstrate to the reader why you really want to go there yet. You’re still too focused on DC - why GW? Why not American, Georgetown, or Catholic? and more importantly, how does this relate to you and what you want to do?
You need to nail down specifics. Like an example would be mentioning a GW success story that really inspired you. The real reason that you may want to go there might really because its location is convenient, but that’s not going to make a good impression.
[quote]myself1992 wrote:
tear my essay apart, make me cry, criticize it, tell me what’s bad.
Attach an essay of no more than 500 words indicating what most influenced you to apply to The George Washington University (required of all applicants). If you are applying to an accelerated or special program, also explain why you are interested in this program at GW.
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I had previously spent several summers in Miami, had visited Pittsburgh, and Boston, but D.C. was something else, it appealed to me in a way that the other places failed to.
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During my stay at D.C., I not only noticed that the city was extremely attractive, I also saw the economic importance and the great opportunities that such a city can offer.
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The schoolâ??s flexibility in letting the students choose their programs of study is a great advantage because many freshmen go to college without having a clue about what they want to do; so to be able to have a personalized education is a great advantage.
[/quote]
I wanted to point out some grammatical mistakes and fix them. Grammar is important if going to a college.
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Should be: I had previously spent several summers in Miami and had visited Pittsburgh and Boston, but D.C. was something else; it appealed to me in a way that the other places failed to.
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Should be: During my stay at D.C., I not only noticed that the city was extremely attractive, but I also saw the economic importance and the great opportunities that such a city can offer.
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Should be: The schoolâ??s flexibility in letting the students choose their programs of study is a great advantage because many freshmen go to college without having a clue about what they want to do, so to be able to have a personalized education is a great advantage.
[quote]challer1 wrote:
to be completely honest, I still think the intro is weak. also, while you made it a more formal, you lost the narrative feel. you summarize 2 GW programs but you don’t demonstrate to the reader why you really want to go there yet. You’re still too focused on DC - why GW? Why not American, Georgetown, or Catholic? and more importantly, how does this relate to you and what you want to do?
You need to nail down specifics. Like an example would be mentioning a GW success story that really inspired you. The real reason that you may want to go there might really because its location is convenient, but that’s not going to make a good impression. [/quote]
I like the idea of the example, thanks man
EDIT: I just remembered that a friend’s sister studies there. Will ask her about specific stuff.
[quote]ukrainian wrote:
myself1992 wrote:
tear my essay apart, make me cry, criticize it, tell me what’s bad.
Attach an essay of no more than 500 words indicating what most influenced you to apply to The George Washington University (required of all applicants). If you are applying to an accelerated or special program, also explain why you are interested in this program at GW.
-
I had previously spent several summers in Miami, had visited Pittsburgh, and Boston, but D.C. was something else, it appealed to me in a way that the other places failed to.
-
During my stay at D.C., I not only noticed that the city was extremely attractive, I also saw the economic importance and the great opportunities that such a city can offer.
-
The school�¢??s flexibility in letting the students choose their programs of study is a great advantage because many freshmen go to college without having a clue about what they want to do; so to be able to have a personalized education is a great advantage.
I wanted to point out some grammatical mistakes and fix them. Grammar is important if going to a college.
-
Should be: I had previously spent several summers in Miami and had visited Pittsburgh and Boston, but D.C. was something else; it appealed to me in a way that the other places failed to.
-
Should be: During my stay at D.C., I not only noticed that the city was extremely attractive, but I also saw the economic importance and the great opportunities that such a city can offer.
-
Should be: The school�¢??s flexibility in letting the students choose their programs of study is a great advantage because many freshmen go to college without having a clue about what they want to do, so to be able to have a personalized education is a great advantage.
[/quote]
for #3 do not say advantage twice in the same sentence. It makes it repetitive. Change it to something along the lines of… A very crucial advantage that GW provides their student’s is the flexibility in program selection as many freshmen attend college without concrete career paths. Being able to have a personalized education is a huge benefit to these individuals.