First off, I’ve been there, so don’t start.
Second off, your wife doesn’t owe you sex (even if you make all the money and she stays at home).
Thirdly, you’re probably not doing anything to make your wife want to sleep with you. Go look in the mirror; would you fuck you?
IDK what the term for ‘fourthly’ would be, but your sexual initiations are probably bad. “Do you want to have sex?” is anti-sexy.
Ooh, fun topic. Lots to unpack. I’ll start with something my wife said once: “Men are a microwave; women are a slow cooker.” So there’s that aspect of it.
And lots to talk about when it comes to hormones, natural female cycles, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, birth control (bad for mojo generally) and other more biological things. Dani got into a few of these in her article The 4 Factors of Female Libido.
Is Dani implying men are usually done in 5 minutes or less?
I tend to think of male and female libido as:
Women’s libido is often reactive, in the literal sense.
Men’s libido is usually up and running, and the RPMs don’t stop.
A lot of guys complain that their girl doesn’t initiate. Well, frankly she’s probably not in the mood in the same way. To add to that, women are far more sensitive to rejection (and all negative emotions) than men.
IMO, men own most of the responsibility if there is a problem in the bedroom. We romanced the women whom we wanted to be intimate. That was the “key” that we programmed in the women. Now that we are married, the men like to want to believe that they are entitled to sex. “Surely, she knows that I love her. What’s the resistance?”
A woman wants to be romanced even if she is married to you. She must always know that you love her, and only her. That is a high bar, when we men lust after women with a knock out body.
I’ll stop there for now. There are a multitude of other factors.
Wait, 5 whole minutes? How inefficient! (Kidding, kidding…)
I read something once, it may have been in the excellent book, She Comes First, about how foreplay for sex at night begins for females in the morning. As in, it’s not a 30-second back rub, but more of all-day thing, and several things play into that that you wouldn’t think of when it comes to getting frisky.
That book also coined a cool term: coreplay as opposed to foreplay.
A study came out recently talking about frequency that was also interesting. For women, too much time between “sessions” decreases sex drive. Sort of a use it or lose it phenomenon, and also a downward spiral. While more frequent sexy time leads to… well, more sexy time. Men just get more amped up and desperate during dry spells, if they’re healthy.
Of course, there are female-cycle phases: menstruation, follicular, ovulation, and luteal. Basically, women not on birth control have a week or so where libido is higher and a week or so where it’s lower.
It gets kinda complex, but women who’ve used period trackers (there’s an app for that) say it’s very true. I think that’s good to know for husbands, mainly so they don’t feel rejected if she’s in a natural down cycle.
Excellent point, I’ve noticed this as well.
RE menstrual phases…
Ovulation is typically when women are most aggressive. It is also known that this is the most likely timeframe in which a woman is going to be promiscuous (married or not) and probably should not be going out clubbing (married or not).
This is when their egg is most fertile - not a coincidence.
Interestingly, birth control tends to change the partner selection of women; women not on BC are more likely to be attracted to masculine men, whereas women on BC are more likely to be attracted to lesser masculine men.
There was a study or researcher (something along those lines) who had multiple bisexual females as clients. He started noticing a trend that during Follicular and Ovulation phases, these clients were interested in men; during Luteal and Menstrual phases, they were interested in women.
I have a theory. Sperm really only lives 5 days or less inside a woman… I would imagine if said woman does not get action within those 5 days, that any leftover libido increase is gone.
“You have to date your wife.”
Whoa. That’s fascinating.
Great addition. And I wonder if the natural ebb and flow of the female cycle also affects what a wife wants/needs from her husband at different times. For example, are there “cuddle with me” and “ravage me” natural phases? Seems legit.
Look at us, dudes talking about what women want. Let’s hear some female voices.
I think a lot of men are just not interested in women on a fundamental level beyond an ornament on their life and masculine urges. You have to actually really crave and like knowing about your partner to pick up on and engage the behaviors and narratives that make them tick.
In my experience? Yes, 100%. Follicular and Ovulation phases lending themselves to more masculine actions (aggression, etc), Luteal and Menstrual lending themselves more to cuddles and candles.
Eh, they don’t know what they want anyways
Men are from mars and women are from venus
I thought it was Jupiter.
Not according to the book
Do we really need to downgrade this thread with bullshit low effort posts?
Let’s be fair, “I thought it was Jupiter” was a smart response. It’s not low effort if it’s Brevity.
It’s such a crazy coincidence that this is a topic here. One of my favorite podcasts got into the weeds about female sex drive.
So whatever you may be going through with your spouse right now, at least your wife hasn’t been sexually turned off by you for three decades.
I’m convinced so many problems in the bedroom are biological. Get your bloodwork done, get your hormones fixed, eat enough, don’t overeat crap food, don’t over-exercise, simmer down on the alcohol, don’t spend every day in high-cortisol situations, and bedroom time will be great. (Barring sexual trauma, mental illness, or chronic disease, obvi.)
Actually physical fitness can be a hindrance to great sexy time for some. TC wrote about that before HERE but depending on how hard your training sessions are, your muscles can chronically tighten up and cause incredible pain instead of pleasure (a female issue). And when junk like that happens, it’s a confusing situation.
Training hard should lead to health in all the ways, right? Well, not quite.
I was actually disappointed that the therapist in that podcast I linked to above didn’t mention anything biological. Heck, when my hormones are on point, just about everything will turn me on. Including me.
Anyway, great thread.
This is so beautifully stated.
I don’t usually over analyze sex and my wife and I have plenty of it.
We are definitely a married couple and the whole “date your wife forever” or similar advice is bullshit imo. Even if I did bring flowers home every day she’d get tired of them.
You can bet your ass I’ll pull her sweatpants down, grab her messy bun and fuck her how I want to after a long day though.
This seems to work out well.
And, she does owe me. Not in a rapey, forced way but I have no problem being assertive to a point. She’s my wife, my sole source of sex and I need that from her. You’d be surprised how many “headaches” orgasms have cured.
I don’t know the deep psychology here but it seems to take care of the hunter and hunted, giver and receiver bullshit and she’s happy to take on the role of being submissive I guess, but again with limits.
Just keep fucking for the sake of fucking, even after the initial dating butterflies and post marriage honeymoon phase wears off
Make it fun. Don’t let her go to bed without an orgasm for a month straight if you’re in a slump. Can be sex, oral, toys, mutual masturbation or whatever. Make it about her and get her hooked again. She’ll be looking for the next one before you know it.
Why do Good Guys always come last?
Why do they have to wait until they’re in their 30’s for female attention?