Well, as a longtime celebrator of Festivus, I've been planning this year out since last year.
The Festivus Pole is a naked Polak bolted into place in my living room, with his mouth duct taped shut and a straight jacket chained around him.
Airing of Grievances? Where do I start? My biggest grievance with this site (since my grievances away from here are immaterial) are short, but direct. First, when the fuck is Hallowed gonna show off that hour-glass figure of hers over in T-Vixen? Second, what's with the heavy inundation of trolls this past year? It seems like BB.com has launched an all-out assault against us T-Nationers in the form of trolling designed to undermine this forum and the SAMA forum. PWI would be inundated as well, but nobody would notice any difference over there. I don't want to reveal too much at this moment in time, but I am currently working on a highly-covert plan aimed at interrupting through COINTELPRO measures the BB.com forums in retaliation. But that's all I can say right now; my handlers might pull the plug on this operation if they think BB.com suspects anything, and I can't be sure who's reading this.
Dinner: Lobster tail (it's on sale for $7 a piece down here in Santa Cruz. I rarely come down here to visit my parents, but when I do I go fucking apeshit with the seafood). Lobster tail should be boiled in roughly 2 cups of water per tail for about 8 minutes or so, covered, and then served with a couple lemon wedges and some clarified butter poured over lime zest. Simplicity is key. On the side, I'll be serving a baby spinach salad with crushed pecans, goat cheese, shaved almonds, cranberries, radicchio and balsamic vinegar with orzo and grilled portabellas served in a wine/vinegar/olive oil and crushed garlic sauce. Maybe some shallots with the orzo as well. I'll be drinking high-octane coffee in preparation for my feat of strength.....
Feat of strength. I'm going to beat the shit out of my dad. He's so fucking smarmy and full of himself it's time to finally drop the old man down a notch or three. Which doesn't sound like much, but he's only 56 and a former all-state wrestler in high school. We're about the same size (I'm 6'1" about 190 in the summer, he's maybe 6' and about 195 with meathook-sized hands) but I plan on letting him shoot a double-leg takedown on me. He doesn't realize me and my left knee will be waiting in the bushes for him. If I miss, I feel confident enough in my fledgling Japanese jui-jitsu skills to reverse his mounted position and avoid what will surely be very prejudiced fists being rained down upon me. Then I'll slip around behind him and put a rear-naked choke on him that's gonna pop his fucking cranial sutures. But the real feat of strength will be lifting his body up over my head so I can cast him out of the house and into the street. Last year he cheated during an arm-wrestling match that was supposed to be my feat of strength; he punched me in the face right when my mom said "Go!" and the momentary shock I suffered was enough for him to get the drop on me. We usually decide on some form of humiliation the loser has to suffer at the victor's hand, and last year I was forced to lie on the ground in the fetal position with my thumb in my mouth while he kicked me in the head and told me all of the different ways I had let him down over the previous year. But this year is my time to shine. That daffy bastard is in for it now.
So how is the rest of the T-Nation going to celebrate Festivus?