Happy Fesitvus Day - A festivus for the rest of us.
There are four main parts to celbrating Festivus.
How do you plan to celibrate?
Nobody celebrates Festivus???
WTF!!!
St.James? Sorry bro,money is tight. I always invite people over on the 23rd but nobody wants to come due to the feats of strength.
Well, as a longtime celebrator of Festivus, I’ve been planning this year out since last year.
The Festivus Pole is a naked Polak bolted into place in my living room, with his mouth duct taped shut and a straight jacket chained around him.
Airing of Grievances? Where do I start? My biggest grievance with this site (since my grievances away from here are immaterial) are short, but direct. First, when the fuck is Hallowed gonna show off that hour-glass figure of hers over in T-Vixen? Second, what’s with the heavy inundation of trolls this past year? It seems like BB.com has launched an all-out assault against us T-Nationers in the form of trolling designed to undermine this forum and the SAMA forum. PWI would be inundated as well, but nobody would notice any difference over there. I don’t want to reveal too much at this moment in time, but I am currently working on a highly-covert plan aimed at interrupting through COINTELPRO measures the BB.com forums in retaliation. But that’s all I can say right now; my handlers might pull the plug on this operation if they think BB.com suspects anything, and I can’t be sure who’s reading this.
Dinner: Lobster tail (it’s on sale for $7 a piece down here in Santa Cruz. I rarely come down here to visit my parents, but when I do I go fucking apeshit with the seafood). Lobster tail should be boiled in roughly 2 cups of water per tail for about 8 minutes or so, covered, and then served with a couple lemon wedges and some clarified butter poured over lime zest. Simplicity is key. On the side, I’ll be serving a baby spinach salad with crushed pecans, goat cheese, shaved almonds, cranberries, radicchio and balsamic vinegar with orzo and grilled portabellas served in a wine/vinegar/olive oil and crushed garlic sauce. Maybe some shallots with the orzo as well. I’ll be drinking high-octane coffee in preparation for my feat of strength…
Feat of strength. I’m going to beat the shit out of my dad. He’s so fucking smarmy and full of himself it’s time to finally drop the old man down a notch or three. Which doesn’t sound like much, but he’s only 56 and a former all-state wrestler in high school. We’re about the same size (I’m 6’1" about 190 in the summer, he’s maybe 6’ and about 195 with meathook-sized hands) but I plan on letting him shoot a double-leg takedown on me. He doesn’t realize me and my left knee will be waiting in the bushes for him. If I miss, I feel confident enough in my fledgling Japanese jui-jitsu skills to reverse his mounted position and avoid what will surely be very prejudiced fists being rained down upon me. Then I’ll slip around behind him and put a rear-naked choke on him that’s gonna pop his fucking cranial sutures. But the real feat of strength will be lifting his body up over my head so I can cast him out of the house and into the street. Last year he cheated during an arm-wrestling match that was supposed to be my feat of strength; he punched me in the face right when my mom said “Go!” and the momentary shock I suffered was enough for him to get the drop on me. We usually decide on some form of humiliation the loser has to suffer at the victor’s hand, and last year I was forced to lie on the ground in the fetal position with my thumb in my mouth while he kicked me in the head and told me all of the different ways I had let him down over the previous year. But this year is my time to shine. That daffy bastard is in for it now.
So how is the rest of the T-Nation going to celebrate Festivus?
Shit, Loudog. Looks like you and I are the only ones celebrating Festivus around here. Oh well, more feats of strength and time around the Pole for us!
[quote]DBCooper wrote:
So how is the rest of the T-Nation going to celebrate Festivus?[/quote]
Damn! I was going to go to my sisters and beat the hell out of who ever the dumb sucker is that she lured in this year with the ole’ V trap, but I may have to reconsider and come by your place.
Between the food and Airing Of Grievances it sounds like you’re going to have a great time!
(btw. my wife wrestled for one of the best teams in the nation, and let me tell you, she is tough. Forget the double leg. Worry about him letting you shoot then cross facing your nose over to your ear. I Hate that.)
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
[quote]DBCooper wrote:
So how is the rest of the T-Nation going to celebrate Festivus?[/quote]
Damn! I was going to go to my sisters and beat the hell out of who ever the dumb sucker is that she lured in this year with the ole’ V trap, but I may have to reconsider and come by your place.
Between the food and Airing Of Grievances it sounds like you’re going to have a great time!
(btw. my wife wrestled for one of the best teams in the nation, and let me tell you, she is tough. Forget the double leg. Worry about him letting you shoot then cross facing your nose over to your ear. I Hate that.)
[/quote]
Pussy.
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
[quote]DBCooper wrote:
So how is the rest of the T-Nation going to celebrate Festivus?[/quote]
Damn! I was going to go to my sisters and beat the hell out of who ever the dumb sucker is that she lured in this year with the ole’ V trap, but I may have to reconsider and come by your place.
Between the food and Airing Of Grievances it sounds like you’re going to have a great time!
(btw. my wife wrestled for one of the best teams in the nation, and let me tell you, she is tough. Forget the double leg. Worry about him letting you shoot then cross facing your nose over to your ear. I Hate that.)
[/quote]
I plan on luring him into a takedown attempt by openly questioning whether or not I really am his son, then putting up my hands in a boxer stance. I have really long arms, so he knows that if we go toe-to-toe I’ll jab him to death, so he’ll have to shoot for a takedown. I thought about sprawling, but he’s good at blowing right through that shit.
[quote]Loudog75 wrote:
Nobody celebrates Festivus???
WTF!!![/quote]
WTF is Festival? Is that like Carnival but secular? Sounds like it, except it’s only a day long instead of the whole winter of massive amounts of food, massive amounts of feats of strength, massive amounts of women, and massive amounts of alcohol.
[quote]DBCooper wrote:
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
[quote]DBCooper wrote:
So how is the rest of the T-Nation going to celebrate Festivus?[/quote]
Damn! I was going to go to my sisters and beat the hell out of who ever the dumb sucker is that she lured in this year with the ole’ V trap, but I may have to reconsider and come by your place.
Between the food and Airing Of Grievances it sounds like you’re going to have a great time!
(btw. my wife wrestled for one of the best teams in the nation, and let me tell you, she is tough. Forget the double leg. Worry about him letting you shoot then cross facing your nose over to your ear. I Hate that.)
[/quote]
I plan on luring him into a takedown attempt by openly questioning whether or not I really am his son, then putting up my hands in a boxer stance. I have really long arms, so he knows that if we go toe-to-toe I’ll jab him to death, so he’ll have to shoot for a takedown. I thought about sprawling, but he’s good at blowing right through that shit.[/quote]
That should work! I rely on a smart mouth and low center of gravity to entice a punch to the face, which I counter by ducking into a lock on the hips then just dump’em over the shoulder.
Unfortunately, last years airing of grievances and dinner lasted 4 months and I threw my back out when I went for the throw.
This year I plan on letting my attacker break their knee or ankle by kicking me until something fails and when they fall I’m going to go hammer fist crazy with all the energy I saved during their attack. This is contingent upon the kids being at the babys daddy though. An 8 year old with a skillet is a serious threat though.
Happy Festivus!!!
[quote]Brother Chris wrote:
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
[quote]DBCooper wrote:
So how is the rest of the T-Nation going to celebrate Festivus?[/quote]
Damn! I was going to go to my sisters and beat the hell out of who ever the dumb sucker is that she lured in this year with the ole’ V trap, but I may have to reconsider and come by your place.
Between the food and Airing Of Grievances it sounds like you’re going to have a great time!
(btw. my wife wrestled for one of the best teams in the nation, and let me tell you, she is tough. Forget the double leg. Worry about him letting you shoot then cross facing your nose over to your ear. I Hate that.)
[/quote]
Pussy.[/quote]
If that is your way of asking for an inbite then consider yourself welcome to join the festibus festibities.(nose is bleeding a little, can’t pronounce the letter before w)
I must warn you though. I’ve been loading up on crabcakes and debild eggs for a week. Putting a new twist to the “airing of grievances”.
Ahh yes, one of my favorite episodes. Happy Festivus!
I still think Carnival is better January 6th to March 7th. Straight party.
Happy Festivus!
[quote]Brother Chris wrote:
I still think Carnival is better January 6th to March 7th. Straight party.[/quote]
Come to my house for Festivus next year then. It’s like Carnival, Olympic Grecco-Roman wrestling, the Stanley Cup Finals and the south Chico Sprint Car Championships all into one evening. We just finished dinner here and in about five minutes my dad and I are going to bare our chests and go at it like two silver-back gorillas while the rest of the family cheers us on, throws bottles at us, gambles on the outcome (I’m currently getting 3 to 5 odds to win) and then we end the evening with whoever loses tied into my dad’s rocking chair wearing nothing but diapers while being berated by the rest of us and perhaps even being spit on.
sorry i’m late to the party guys.
Guys,
I had a happy festivus and her name was luna.
She worked the pole like an enchanted nymph.
Plenty of Beer and 3 poles at the Festivus Club. Good times…
I had a great Festivus too. I took out the old man, although it wasn’t easy. He took me down with a single-leg takedown (and he wore a knee to the forehead in the process like a fucking champ) then pummeled with extreme prejudice until I managed to jab him in his trachea. This stunned him just long enough for me to get him a triangle chokehold. He broke out of it, but I was able to get to feet and kick him in the knee. He dropped down and I swiftly moved around him and put him in the rear-naked choke. He tapped almost immediately, but I pretended I didn’t notice. Besides, my face was like ground fucking hamburger meat after he had hammer-fisted me like he was trying to drive my face right through the floorboards.
Afterwards I had a chance at another feat of strength when the Pole escaped his bonds and took off. I had to chase that fucker for at least a mile before I caught up with him, then I was forced to slit his throat and drag him all the way back up the hill to the house so we could bury him. My dad’s form of punishment for losing was digging the Pole’s hole bare naked with a pacifier in his mouth.
Dinner was excellent, as always. I was unable to bed any ladies that night since I’m in a committed relationship and she’s visiting her parents in Santa Monica. But the victory over my dad, accompanied by the sounds of my grandmother and my aunts and uncles screaming for me to show him no mercy (combined with the fact that I made some decent winnings betting on the fight with my mom since naturally she’s not going to bet against my dad) left me with a fucking raging hard-on. I flogged the shit out of my dick three times in an hour after the Pole was buried.
The Airing of Grievances was a bit horrific and I’ll probably need therapy now, but other than that, it was a Festivus For the Rest Of Us!
Ours isn’t over yet. The airing of grievances was going pretty good until it was so rudely interrupted by the police. In the exchange of them misunderstanding our holiday and my explanation of it things got a little ugly. The little whizzer that should have been at her daddies thought that the cops were there For the feats of strength. When one officer tried putting the cuffs on me she took a picket from the balustrade that had been loosened up earlier right across his shin. I don’t know what sounded worse, her crying because he broke her “whacker” or his tibia exploding into splinters.
Either way, we’re postponing further celebration until we can post bond for the little bugger. I never knew how much she looked up to me until she was in the back of that squad car crying for her uncle SkyzykS.