Dad Skipping My Birthday to Deliver a Pizza

Off Topic
1

I posted last year around my birthday, how my father had told me on my 30th birthday that his brother is a serial child rapist. On my 30th birthday. He’s known about it for a couple years and just never told me, always saying that my uncle was living down south now. He said "?I guess your 30th birthday may not be the best time to tell you, but hey, you had to find out sometime.

Yeah he really did everything you can possibly do to a woman, but to a bunch of 4 year old girls". On my 30th birthday. As I was just starting to eat dessert. My father’s girlfriend had asked my girlfriend at the time to leave the restaurant with her while she smoked a cigarette; I guess she knew he was going to tell me.

I was wondering how he was going to top that this year. So he’s been planning to come up this weekend (my birthday) for a couple weeks now, I was genuinely looking forward to it. So I get a call from him today, and I asked what time he thought he’d get here on Sunday. Here’s our exchange, pretty much verbatim:

Him: ‘I’m actually going to have to reschedule. [His girlfriend’s mother] is going to be going out of state for a few days. Her dad is still going to be down here. He really likes getting takeout from this restaurant at 4pm every day that doesn’t deliver. So I have to bring him his pizza’.

Me: ‘CantÃ?¢?Ã?¦can’t the guy wait for a couple hours’

Him: ‘no’. I didn’t say anything for about 30 seconds and he continuedÃ?¢?Ã?¦ ‘You know, he’s an older guy in his early 80s, and he wants what he wants when he wants it’.

Me: ‘So you can’t come up for my birthday because you have to bring your girlfriend’s father a pizza…Can’t you just come up earlier in the day?’

Him: ‘Yeah. Like I said he gets kind of cranky if he doesn’t get his pizza on time. I don’t really want to come up earlier and then do the pizza later, because I don’t want the pizza run to be hanging over my head while I’m in Boston, knowing I have to hurry back home to deliver it. So like I said, I’m not coming up’.

Me: That’s…that’s unfortunate. I guess I’ll talk to you later.

He also refused to just come up by himself while his girlfriend delivered the pizza, because he wants her to come up with him. I’m not a huge fan of her’s really; I’m polite to her, but he knows I’m not extremely keen on her. It seems like she uses him; but I digress.

The saddest part of this is that none of this is entirely surprising, he’s done hundreds of things like this over my lifetime, and especially over the last few years. I’m thinking I’m ready to just cut him out of my life; does that seem unreasonable, assuming that the story I’ve just related is pretty much commonplace with him?

I’ve tried explaining why things like this are upsetting to me/people but he just doesn’t get it. He literally sees no difference in importance between delivering pizza, and his only child’s birthday, and I really don’t want my relationship with him tainting my relationship with my kids I want someday or how they see the world either.

Not expecting a ton of replies, I’m just more irritated than anything and wanted to vent to cyberspace, as opposed to dumping anger on other loved ones

2

Not sure whether you need to cut him out of your life…probably not…but you do need to lower your expectations. He’s got limitations, obviously. Wanting to ensure the old guy’s pizza indicates that your dad has good qualities (kindness). You, your future kids, etc, just need to understand that he’s not reliable and doesn’t keep promises. Enjoy him when he’s around and focused, but don’t look for more.

3

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Not sure whether you need to cut him out of your life…probably not…but you do need to lower your expectations. He’s got limitations, obviously. Wanting to ensure the old guy’s pizza indicates that your dad has good qualities (kindness). You, your future kids, etc, just need to understand that he’s not reliable and doesn’t keep promises. Enjoy him when he’s around and focused, but don’t look for more.

[/quote]

not a bad idea; work within the limitations he presents.

I probably should’ve noted in the OP it’s less about devotion to other people and more about avoiding family/family responsibilities/having no inclination as to what those would even be. He’s always had that streak in him, he’ll let his family starve, and not understand why it’s a big deal that he’s giving away things to other people in the meantime.

When I was growing up for example we were poor, dirt poor. My mom ate once per day so I could eat an extra meal type of poor. Turns out my dad was keeping a secret bank account that he was giving money to friends out of. His wife is starving, his kid is malnourished…and he’s stealing money from his family to give to people that are blowing it on scratch tickets. Given that things like that were commonplace I’m not sure why I ever had expectations that he’d suddenly ‘get it’ as I hit my late 20s & early 30s.

4

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Not sure whether you need to cut him out of your life…probably not…but you do need to lower your expectations. He’s got limitations, obviously. Wanting to ensure the old guy’s pizza indicates that your dad has good qualities (kindness). You, your future kids, etc, just need to understand that he’s not reliable and doesn’t keep promises. Enjoy him when he’s around and focused, but don’t look for more.

[/quote]

First off, I’m very sorry about your birthday (and all of the other days). The above is probably what I would tell you also if you were a close friend. Obviously you have two choices - to cut him off or find a way to deal with it. It seems that deep down you want some kind of relationship with him, however. Just realize that he isn’t capable of having the kind of relationship with you that you are capable of having with him. It has nothing to do with you, some people just really don’t ever get it. I’m sure he loves you in his own way, even if he has a warped way of showing it.

One thing I do want to say is that I noticed you’re concerned about the way you will treat your future children as a result of your relationship with your father. Just the fact that you recognize this and worry about it tells me that you will be just fine. I used to do the same thing but I became the exception to the rule and changed the behavior cycle. You have that in you.

Sending good birthday wishes your way.

6

Skimmed thread, the word pizza seemed to come up an awful lot.

Any cliff notes without all of the ???pizza???pizza???pizza???

7

Thanks everyone; I appreciate it. A lot of times I look at how he acts towards family, and then how I do and I can’t believe I’m related to him.

8

Your father continues to disappoint you because he is either incapable of doing otherwise, or you haven’t made your expectations of him clear(which you shouldn’t have to do, but not every dad is Heathcliff Huxtable). I tend to think it’s the former, but just in case it’s not you might want to tell him what you told us in your post. You are disappointed in him(have been for some time), you are considering cutting him out of your life, worry about the kind of father you will be because your mentor was a bit shit, etc. That’s not going to be an easy conversation to have, and he might freak out(you probably know the answer to that already), but then you know where you stand with him and what you need to do moving forward.

I don’t envy your position, and given the fact that you are 30 and things effect you as they do, I think there is a need for certain that you want to connect with him and want him to be a better man. I wish you the best and hope you can patch things up with him. If it doesn’t work out, keep your head up. I honestly wouldn’t worry about you not being a good father to your children. The fact alone that you know your father didn’t do his job is all the motivation you need to not let history repeat.

9

This shit thread needs an ass pic.

And not the old one.

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[quote]Iron Dwarf wrote:
This shit thread needs an ass pic.

And not the old one. [/quote]

LOL x 2

OP maybe show your Dad the ass pics and it will help sort things out between you guys.

11

OP, this kind of thing sucks, but you need to reconcile it in your mind. I had a situation with my dad, he couldn’t give me what I wanted/needed because of his limitations. I kept thinking we could work it out, then he died suddenly. Now I’m left with a bag of shit. You don’t want this, trust me. Get it straight in your head, keep your distance so you and your future family don’t get hurt.
Happy Birthday!

12

Things are awkward between you and your dad because he saw this thread:

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[quote]Iron Dwarf wrote:
This shit thread needs an ass pic.

And not the old one. [/quote]

You know, I was just browsing the forums the other day and was wondering where you disappeared to. I miss your ass, man. No homo.

14

Why is everyone whining about their birthdays on T Nation all of a sudden? This is the 2nd “my birthday sucked” thread I’ve read today.

15

^ stop reading them.

Also, maybe they are planning a surprise party?

16

[quote]flipcollar wrote:
Why is everyone whining about their birthdays on T Nation all of a sudden? This is the 2nd “my birthday sucked” thread I’ve read today.[/quote]

You sound bitter. Someone forget your birthday?

17

Dude, first question is your uncle in jail? If not, has he been reported to authorities.
Second, cut him off by his balls. Dirt dirt poor and he chose his friends over you and your Moms.
Tell him to take his girlfriend and her father and stay out of your life.

You’re not a priority and never were.
If someone is normal and has kids and you date them, I don’t care how old the kids are, there is an understanding that the kids are always number one

I used to live in MA and you sound like you grew up in the Old Colony project in Southie. God I hate Southie

18

Finally, it will make you be a much better parent because you have the book on what not to do in being a father

19

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]flipcollar wrote:
Why is everyone whining about their birthdays on T Nation all of a sudden? This is the 2nd “my birthday sucked” thread I’ve read today.[/quote]

You sound bitter. Someone forget your birthday?
[/quote]

20

I don’t know shit about psychology, but your father sounds mentally ill, as in a functioning sociopath.