“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“Here’s something you’ll never hear a man say: ‘STOP SUCKING MY DICK OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE!’”.
Dan – I remember seeing that routine on HBO years ago. And I think (at that time) it was that those faster were assholes (not maniacs, but who knows, maybe he’s mellowed with the years).
But the point of it was that every one is either an idiot or an asshole.
Ah geez, I never was good at comedy.
Speaking of idiots and maniacs, I was driving home last night with two antique monitor top refrigerators in the back of a Chevy S-10. They were secured, but not very stable, and the larger one was trying VERY hard to tip over and fall out of the truck. I had people tailgating me, passing on double lines into oncoming traffic and other STUPID shit.
Then, this morning, on the way to the garage to drop them off, some asshole flies by me on the right and then cuts me off because he had to make a left hand turn. I almost had 350 pounds of frige go though the cab’s back window and smush me and my dog.
Put me in a lovely mood.
Yes, half the people on the road ARE idiots and maniacs.
More classic Carlin : “the planet is fine, the people are fucked”
I can imagine his thoughts on this Ten Commandments issue taking place in another thread.
Something like “When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion.”
I remember one of my favorite Carlin jokes is when people brag about fucking a woman who is a 10, then he says “If I fuck 5 girls who are twos, is that like fucking a girl who is a 10?”
yeah that is funny but ive never called anyone a maniac. probably because im ususally the one doing a buck twenty.
“In the news today, police fired over the heads of a group of protestors killing 10 people on the second floor.”
my friend just said he stole a bong from this guys house, but from how he described it, it’s a penis pump.
he said he put his mouth to it, and it smelled funny
Neil that wasn’t very funny try again.
Ms. Vedder - I love how he works in praying to Joe Pesci to solve his problems. ah, thats classic.
and Casino was just on TV.
Carlin’s got his finger on the true pulse of this land.
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that at some point in time, somebody thought to themselves ‘I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just too far away to get the job done.’”
Unless you’re Scrub. . .
STU
Hahahah. Chris that was hilarious. 
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all? "
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too”.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.