T Nation

Am I Okay?

Hi,

first post and I will try and keep it reasonably short. It came to me earlier this week that I seem to have been in a crazy bubble where I have just realised I may be on a massive downward spiral.

Feb 2013 I was sacked wrongly (in my opinion) from my job in financial services. I lied on my cv but managed to pass my references somehow but then six months in me and fiancée split up and I got sacked for aggressive behaviour the very next day. I would all it a minor breakdown.

I took 4 weeks off work and stayed in my flat alone just watching films. I have always been good at getting sales/finance jobs and I got another one…better pay also. 2 months in Late October time I simply didnt get out of bed for two days and I was sacked after I wrote to my company saying I would no longer be working for them. This happened twice more with shorter gaps. what a 2013.

At the back end of the year following my break up I was taking at least 2 grams of MDMA a week and drinking most nights, as well as somehow exercising six days a week and surviving off little to know sleep.

This year, 5 months in I have had 5 jobs. and left them all. I recently moved in with my best friend. I have told no one, including him about any of this. literally not a soul. I cant. I have historically been a very hard worker and smart. I have managed to stop the drugs and drinking and cure my insomnia but now I cant get enough sleep. I dont like being awake.

I suffer from anxiety at least 2 or 3 times a week where I think my heart is about to give up on me and death is imminent. It normally passes but Its not nice. As I now live with my friend I now get up with him in the mornings, get in my suit but go and sit in a coffee shop/walk round parks and the city all day.

This would normally be for a short period but I have missed six interviews in the last two weeks where I have simply not gone into the building as I have got there on time. Just couldn’t face it.

I drink every saturday night with my friends and they have commented how on occasion I have seemed crazy with sustained periods of chronic irrelevant laughter and I know myself I have a tendency to shout and scream when drunk.

This seems like a ramble but I feel I have to write this down and hopefully someone will read it and know of advice if they have ever had a similar situation before. This is not a joke. And buy the way I am a young man, girls tend to be more honest hence the post on this site.

cheers,

Seek professional help. Not internet help.

[quote]lbell99 wrote:
And buy the way I am a young man, girls tend to be more honest hence the post on this site.

cheers, [/quote]

X2 on seeking professional help. This is not an ‘ask a random internet stranger’ situation.

Also consider NA or AA. You may not be CURRENTLY using drugs/alcohol, but they’re in your very recent history. These organizations help people deal with the real life problems that arise once alcohol and drugs are no longer being used. I went to 5-10 AA meetings a week for 2 years, AFTER I had already quit drinking/drugging, and I can’t begin to tell you how much this positively affected my life.

I did want to address this part of your post though, as well as one other thing you said. This is a website with a predominantly male population. You said you posted here because girls tend to be more honest. Does this mean you’re not looking for honesty, or was that a mistake?

The other thing I wanted to address was the thing about you not wanting to tell your roommate anything. Telling my parents and friends that I was in a desperate situation was the hardest part of beginning recovery for me, but it was also the most important. Support from those who are closest to you may not be essential, but it’s pretty damn useful if you can get it.

Good luck with however you proceed, you’re in a tough situation. You’ll need to be as active as you can be in dealing with your demons. Seek all the help you can get.

You’re crazy and you should seek medical help. Are you in England? Find a good psychologist/therapist person wherever you are and tell him/her all of this.

Thanks for your advice,

I just feel like I can’t tell people. I would easier tell stranger. I went to my GP (doctor, I live in the U.K.). It was one I had never met before and he literally asked me if I wanted him to prescribe me with something…to which my reply was “what, like what. why?!”. I literally him a piece of paper with a briefer description as this. I walked out as I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He just wanted to fob me off with some sort of anti depressants or something. I don’t trust doctors as it is so this was a big blow if I am honest.

Look on the bright side. You’ve managed to get six job interviews in the last two weeks.

I’m not sure if you realize that you’ve posted on a site devoted to lifting weights, so I’ll just go ahead and be the guy who suggests you begin heavy barbell training with compound movements.

In the meantime, draw upon your nation’s public services and get some help.

Ye sorry this s the only website I go on with a forum.

[quote]lbell99 wrote:
Thanks for your advice,

I just feel like I can’t tell people. I would easier tell stranger. I went to my GP (doctor, I live in the U.K.). It was one I had never met before and he literally asked me if I wanted him to prescribe me with something…to which my reply was “what, like what. why?!”. I literally him a piece of paper with a briefer description as this. I walked out as I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He just wanted to fob me off with some sort of anti depressants or something. I don’t trust doctors as it is so this was a big blow if I am honest. [/quote]

I don’t think general practitioners are equipped to deal with your type of situation. I would find a therapist to talk to. One who won’t immediately prescribe a solution.

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]lbell99 wrote:
Thanks for your advice,

I just feel like I can’t tell people. I would easier tell stranger. I went to my GP (doctor, I live in the U.K.). It was one I had never met before and he literally asked me if I wanted him to prescribe me with something…to which my reply was “what, like what. why?!”. I literally him a piece of paper with a briefer description as this. I walked out as I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He just wanted to fob me off with some sort of anti depressants or something. I don’t trust doctors as it is so this was a big blow if I am honest. [/quote]

I don’t think general practitioners are equipped to deal with your type of situation. I would find a therapist to talk to. One who won’t immediately prescribe a solution. [/quote]

What you got from your GP is pretty standard. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were going to prescribe some Klonopin for the anxiety, to be used only when the anxiety is really bad.

But I’m with everyone else. Find a therapist, preferably one who works with a psychiatrist. If (and when) both you and your therapist think it’s time to consider chemical intervention, you have that option.

For many things, a combination of talk therapy (therapist) + medication (psychiatrist) has been shown to work better than either one alone.

On top of all that… meditation.

Also, 6 interviews? fark… I’m lucky if I get an email acknowledging they decided not to interview me.

2 grams of MDMA a week? That is a shit load. Depression, Sleep problems, anxiety, among others. All effects of chronic overuse of X.

Having dealt with people in your situation before, here is my honest opinion.

You seem to have a severe fear of being taken out of your downward spiral and content to ride it to rock bottom because reality appears to be much worse than this to you.

The fact that you can only bring yourself to confess your predicament to strangers shows a fear of an actual intervention if you were to do the same with people close to you.

Wake up. Seek help and commit to getting beter.

Sometimes just when things seem great all of your shit just blows up. Now you have to get it together in a better way so that it doesn’t blow up as often or as badly.

Flipcollar has some good suggestions. You should also directly address the anxiety you are having with a professional.

Get honest and stop pretending that you have anything better to do.

Thank you for all your messages. There seems to be a fairly consistent message that has came across. I sort of already thought what you said but I was scared to think it .I just think its weak to ask for help and I dont want to be a weak timewaster. I can’t afford a therapist but there is the GP which is who I will approach (a new one) and hopefully they can refer me onto someone or a group or something. Many thanks

[quote]lbell99 wrote:
Thank you for all your messages. There seems to be a fairly consistent message that has came across. I sort of already thought what you said but I was scared to think it .I just think its weak to ask for help and I dont want to be a weak timewaster. I can’t afford a therapist but there is the GP which is who I will approach (a new one) and hopefully they can refer me onto someone or a group or something. Many thanks[/quote]

There is only one way a person can really be weak and that is by refusing to see himself as he is, and becoming avoidant of things that need to be dealt with. Of course it is human nature to avoid the uncomfortable stuff so it happens to everyone but it is the only way to move forward, by dealing with what you need to and moving on.

You state that you live in the U.K. with a background in finance and sales. Yet from your posts, I assume English is your second language? I just had difficulty with much of the writing and grammar. Much too poor for an average professional.

I sense Troll Job.

Cheers

[quote]lbell99 wrote:

Feb 2013 I was sacked wrongly (in my opinion) from my job in financial services. I lied on my cv but managed to pass my references somehow but then six months in me and fianc�©e split up and I got sacked for aggressive behaviour the very next day. I would all it a minor breakdown.
[/quote]

You lied on your cv, later got sacked, then wondered if you were wrongly terminated?

[quote]lbell99 wrote:
2 months in Late October time I simply didnt get out of bed for two days and I was sacked after I wrote to my company saying I would no longer be working for them. This happened twice more with shorter gaps. what a 2013.

[/quote]

Again, how did you expect the employer to react? If this isn’t a joke, no, you’re not okay - this is not normal adult modus operandi.

[quote]lbell99 wrote:
I just think its weak to ask for help and I dont want to be a weak timewaster. [/quote]

One of the more pathetic things a human being can do is refuse to seek help because it makes him/her look “weak”.

And one of the most bravest things someone can do is admit that they have issues and willingly accept advice and strive to actually make a change. Far too many people never do either, and it really shows.

How do you keep getting work?

You were sacked after writing to your company saying you could no longer work for them? Generally that’s considered “resigning” as opposed to being sacked. You managed to cure your insomnia but now you can’t get enough sleep? Generally not being able to sleep is called “insomnia.”