T Nation

Your Favourite-est Joke Ever!!!


#1

Here's a thread on Reddit:

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/dhvgg/what_is_your_all_time_favourite_joke_ever/

some amazing ones there (search for "wonga").

What's your favourite joke?


#2

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

......because it was DEAD!!

It was my favorite when I was in grade school.


#3

I heard this one in 4th grade during recess and thought it was the funniest fucking thing I ever heard in my life:

"What do you get when you cross a Samoan with a nigga? Some mo niggas!"

I remember repeating "some mo niggas" all day after that and almost choking on my own spit from laughing so much.

You have to admit, it's at least chuckle-worthy.

And before anyone gets their panties twisted up in their vag - IT'S A JOKE and I was 10 years old.


#4

Why do they call it PMS?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken!


#5

What do you get when you combine Darth Vader and a elephant?

A elevader


#6

Why do they have homes for battered women?

Because they don't fucking listen!

(Said with raised backhand)


#7

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!?!?"


#8

How do you fit 100 babies into a bucket?

Blender!


#9

crossfit


#10

How do you make a hormone?

Kick her in the head.


#11

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."


#12

Why is Santa Claus so fat?

Because he comes only once a year.


#13

What funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.


#14

Cant really pick from these 3

How do you make your granny's toes curl?

Fuck her with her tights on!

Whats got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog!

Whats got one ball and fucks women?

Peter Sutcliffe's hammer!


#15

How do you get them out of the bucket?

Tortillas!!!!


#16

I've said this a dozen times since I was a kid:

John was going out with Wendy and he loved her so much that he wanted to get her name tattooed on his penis. When it was erect it spelled "Wendy" but when limp it said "W Y".

After their wedding day they went to Jamaica for their honeymoon.

One day they went to the beach and Bob went to the public restroom. At the urinal next to him was this tall Jamaican man. Bob looked over the urinal divider, noticed the letters "W Y" on the Jamaican's unerect penis and he asked him, "Oh, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?".

The big Jamaican man looked at him and said, "No, mun! Mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, Have a Nice Day!'"


#17

Two guys are out drinking one night after working at the office.

One guy drinks too much and pukes all over his shirt.

"Oh man! My wife's gonna kill me!"

His friend says "Don't worry about it! Just tell your wife that some other guy puked on you and put then you put $5 in your shirt pocket and tell her the other guy gave you money for dry cleaning or something."

The first guy thinks that's a great idea so he celebrates by having another drink or two.

So, 4AM he finally stumbles home, pissed out of his tree. His wife is waiting there with the rolling pin.

"Where were you?!?! Drinking huh? And LOOK! You puked all over yourself!!!"

"No honey...you don't understand! Some other guy puked on ME! He even gave me five bucks to get my shirt cleaned!" He pulls out the money and gives it to his wife.

She looks at the money, "There's ten dollars here!"

"oh yeah...y'see.., um...that son of a bitch shit in my pants too!"


#18

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The

The who?


#19

Did you hear about the new women's shelter called Tempura House?

It's for lightly battered women.


#20

What's Mike short for?

He ain't got no legs.

(I think I got that one from another thread here about jokes.)