T Nation

You Can't Make This Stuff Up


#1

So, sometimes you have something in your life that is just so incredible weird, that you would think it has to be bullshit.

I just got a text from back home, and apparently my cousin, who has been married for 12 years, and has a daughter, just left her husband, and is now dating the female assistant coach for the WNBA's Chicago Skye.

Crazy stories from the group ?


#2

So your cousin, a female, came out of the closet and is dating a WNBA coach?

I’ve had some weird shit happen last year. Can’t really talk about it out of respect for the people involved, but the few close friends I told almost needed therapy.


#3

My brother in law won a dart game, and in his excitement, punched through a plexiglass window.

He works in a hospital, so he cleaned it up, steri-stripped it shut, glued it, whatever.

A week later, it swells to massive proportions and is visibly throbbing.

He goes down to the bar, has some liquid courage, goes into the bathroom, removes the strips and glue, and has a huge mess of puss start leaking out of the wound. He milks it, and towards the end, sees something move.

It’s a hunk of plexiglass as big as your fingernail.

This is the same dude who once stitched up his own arm a la Rambo.


#4

Nothing too crazy here…

Gordie Howe was sitting behind me in 1st Class last Thursday on my flight from Detroit to Phoenix.

Nice guy.


#5

[quote]PonceDeLeon wrote:
So your cousin, a female, came out of the closet and is dating a WNBA coach?

I’ve had some weird shit happen last year. Can’t really talk about it out of respect for the people involved, but the few close friends I told almost needed therapy.[/quote]

i guess i find it so weird because i kind of knew the other woman when I was growing up, she played basketball in high school against my older sister, and was “Ms. Indiana” so she was a local celebrity, even won a national championship at Purdue.

Then goes on to play/coach in the WNBA and break up my cousins marriage.


#6

[quote]PonceDeLeon wrote:
So your cousin, a female, came out of the closet and is dating a WNBA coach?

I’ve had some weird shit happen last year. Can’t really talk about it out of respect for the people involved, but the few close friends I told almost needed therapy.[/quote]

Wait… how can you just say this and leave us hanging there?!


These aren’t things that happened to ME, but I have a friend that has the CRAZIEST shit happen to his family all the damn time. Seriously.

Just a few things I can think of off-hand…

He (my friend) was on his way home from a workout during the summer, and lives out in the country a ways. He pulls up to an area with a train-crossing to see cop cars EVERYWHERE. He tries to go through and the cop stops him and tells him he can’t proceed.

My friend kind of says, “Uh, sir, I live RIGHT there.” (It’s about three-hundred feet away or so.) So the cop says “You live there? Is anyone home right now?!” My friend says ‘Yeah, my whole family.’ Cop tells him to call his family and GTFO as soon as possible.

Basically, when my friend’s dad was outside about an hour earlier, a kid rode up on an ATV. He asked the dad if he had any guns, and that he’d be willing to trade the ATV for any guns. The dad says “Yeah, I’m a cop…” (B/S, but smart,) and says that he can’t do it. The kid seems [obviously] extremely sketchy and kind of wanders off.

Apparently the kid was packing heat, and was contemplating taking my friend’s family as hostage because he’d already been pursued by the cops earlier that day. There was a standoff between them and the cops not 100 feet away from their house a couple hours later.


Another… His dad was interviewed by NBC’s Good Morning show (or whatever it is) about those Power-Destiny Parachutes or whatever. He had been working on them for a number of years, and post-9/11 many companies were highly interested in buying them for use in their buildings in case of an emergency.

On the NBC show, a stupid intern who had no idea what she was doing somehow led the demonstration of how to ‘buckle’ yourself in, and fucked up on Live tv. Michael Moore then goes on to essentially slandering and defamating (?) my friend’s dad, company, values, and beliefs. Kind of strange.


Last one (for now hahah,) same friend’s mom got in a crazy car crash that should have essentially killed her upon immediate impact… car going 60 MPH and slammed right into her side (passenger) that she was sitting in. She broke something like 10-15 of her vertebral bones, and doctors said it was essentially a miracle.

I know there’s more shit, but those are the only ones coming to mind right now.

As for myself, as I’ve already made a thread… I got to meet Greg Jennings. I also drank some beers and chatted a very little bit with Kid Rock in last year’s Buick Open. He was a cool dude, but his music is fucking horrible.


#7

Same brother in law…

He was in the Navy. He is home on leave, decides to go to the titty bar with his cousin.

Titty bar is 35 miles away from home. They drive there, get drunk, brother in law drives them home (definitely stupid, and I don’t condone it). No problems during the drive, drops the cousin off at his place, and continues to drive the 10 miles home.

At the last stoplight before the turn into his neighborhood, brother in law falls asleep at a red light. Cop pulls up behind him. Light turns green. Brother in law doesn’t move. Cop turns on his lights and beeps his siren.

Brother in law rolls his window down, waves the cop past, and continues sleeping (until he gets arrested).


#8

[quote]pushmepullme wrote:
Same brother in law…

He was in the Navy. He is home on leave, decides to go to the titty bar with his cousin.

Titty bar is 35 miles away from home. They drive there, get drunk, brother in law drives them home (definitely stupid, and I don’t condone it). No problems during the drive, drops the cousin off at his place, and continues to drive the 10 miles home.

At the last stoplight before the turn into his neighborhood, brother in law falls asleep at a red light. Cop pulls up behind him. Light turns green. Brother in law doesn’t move. Cop turns on his lights and beeps his siren.

Brother in law rolls his window down, waves the cop past, and continues sleeping (until he gets arrested).[/quote]

That’s just beyond fucked up, PMPM.

How old is he and what’s his wife think of all of this?


#9

No wife. He’s 30 in April, this was about five years ago.


#10

I hung out and talked about metal and whiskey with Jim Wendler once.


#11

[quote]pushmepullme wrote:
No wife. He’s 30 in April, this was about five years ago.[/quote]

Oh, ok.

He reminds me of guys that I used to hang out with in my teens and early twenties. It was fun while it lasted.


#12

I listened to someone tell me “I’ve used things like steroids before and they work, but only after you come off them.”

I almost collapsed.


#13

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#14

I told myself no alcohol related stories…so now I don’t think I have any.

So here’s one alcohol related one. I once dropped my pants while walking through a taco bell drive through. I was trying to light a cig…pants drop…And they didn’t give me my order.


#15

[quote]lostinthought wrote:
I told myself no alcohol related stories…so now I don’t think I have any.

So here’s one alcohol related one. I once dropped my pants while walking through a taco bell drive through. I was trying to light a cig…pants drop…And they didn’t give me my order. [/quote]

Hey! I remember that!!! I used to work at the Bell!

Yes, I’m just kidding.


#16

My Father has spent many a long drive regaling me with tales of his exploits. They sound outlandish, but I never doubt their veracity. He’s just that kind of guy.

My Father was driving alone in the backwoods of Maine. It was a warm autumn night in the late seventies, and he was traveling light, with only a small bag and his cigarettes. His POS car broke down in the middle of a forest, and he was stuck on the side of the road in the wee hours of the morning, hoping someone would happen by to give him a ride. An even shittier car than his pulled up carrying two bona fide Maine Hillbillies, who acquiesced to helping him out. He tosses in his bag, and follows with is person. As they’re driving, blaring music and talking (he couldn’t understand a word they said), my father drops his lit cigarette into the seat. He tries to get it out, but can’t find it, so he decides the best plan of action is to wait it out and hope for the best.

A few minutes later, he feels the seat begin to grow hot. He wants to tell the yokels, but he’s still in the middle of nowhere and this is his only ride. They also don’t seem like the type to react to bad news well. So, again, he decides to wait it out, hoping they reach civilization before something bad happens. A few more minutes pass, and the car is beginning to fill with smoke. The guys don’t notice, because they’re absolutely shitfaced. My father rolls down his window to prevent asphyxiation, and prays they are almost out of the woods.

More minutes pass, and the car is now completely filled with smoke. My father opens his door, grabs his bag and dives out of the still-moving vehicle, rolls a few times, and looks up. the car continues speeding away as it bursts into flames and soon disappears form sight. He never saw them again. he checked the local papers the next week, but never heard about them, either.

                ****

During a trip to las Vegas, where he was helping a friend auction jewelry, my Father heard strange noises from his pricey hotel room. He ignored them, but they persisted. It sounded like someone calling for help. Growing impatient, he phoned the hotel and told them there was some people calling for help in the next room over. They sent security up to have a look. Curious, he left his room to see what had happened. Upon entering the adjacent room with the security people, he learns that a couple has become locked in their bathroom while attempting to have sex in the tub. The lock is broken, and they can’t get out.

The security people find this amusing, as does my father. The man inside the bathroom asks them what they are going to do. My father yells back, “Stand back from the door. We’re going to shoot the lock!” The sounds of screams and frantic splashing are heard as the couple scrambles away from the door. The security personnel are beside themselves with laughter. My father went back to his room and went to sleep.

The next day, he finds out that the man had broken his leg while trying to get away from the door, and had to be comped so he wouldn’t sue the hotel. The security guys bought him drinks ever time he visited after that.


#17

[quote]pushmepullme wrote:
lostinthought wrote:
I told myself no alcohol related stories…so now I don’t think I have any.

So here’s one alcohol related one. I once dropped my pants while walking through a taco bell drive through. I was trying to light a cig…pants drop…And they didn’t give me my order.

Hey! I remember that!!! I used to work at the Bell!

Yes, I’m just kidding.[/quote]

Good thing you’re kidding. I was going to say you owe me my food!

Another story…I was at Guilley’s in Vegas where you could get an empty gallon of milk container and fill it full of beer. They also had bikini mechanical bull riding which. After finishing that gallon it sure seemed like a good idea to climb up on that bull…


#18

Vince Vaughn bought me a beer on my 18th birthday.

I had lunch with “Joe the camera guy” from Reno 911.


#19

[quote]WS4JB wrote:
Vince Vaughn bought me a beer on my 18th birthday.
[/quote]

This is FUCKING AWESOME!

Half because Vince Vaughn is awesome, and half because celebrities doing illegal things is always entertaining.


#20

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