T Nation

Yet another sex question


After reading alot of the 'sex history, promiscous women' type threads another question has come to mind. Is the number of sex partners often deceptive? Or more just a product of age?

Meaning is it necessarily any worse to have a partner with a higher number in their past but limited experience as opposed to a sex partner with 2-3 partners but lots of experience.

As an example I know a 32 year old woman who has been with 8 indiviuals. She was a virgin at marriage then got divorced and had 7 partners over the next decade. All in relationships she was hopeful would work. I find her to be an unbelievable woman. She also has had VERY limited experience with these people.

So my question is why do people get hung up on number when it can be very deceptive? Is she just a rare case or is this pretty typical? It seems to me the number gets the attention when really it should be the activity level. I mean is a guy/girl who has sex with 20 different people 1 time any more 'used' than a guy/girl who has sex 3 times a day for a year with 3 people. Makes you wonder about the logic of our species.

Of course 20 partners within a year would be different, but what about 20 over a decade? 10?


It has to do with why aren't these relationships working out. I mean if your number 7 for this year and it's only June most likely there will be an 8 and a 9. :slight_smile:


Maybe we are hung up on the number of partners partly because of STDs ?


STD's yes, but lets assume the partner is tested and clean. It is very possible, and I believe likely, for a person with a high number to have had MUCH less overall activity than a lower number person in a long term relationship. For the simple fact you tend to havemore sex in committed relationships than brief encounters.


Niloticus: Did not the 24 responses to your thread entitled "Sexual History" posted less than a month ago answer this question for you? Is there a particular reason you keep referring to this same 32 year old woman? Are you actually the woman and attempting to gain acceptance for your actions? Are you a man in love with your friend's girlfriend (which is who you say this woman is)? What are you really trying to get answered? If we knew that then perhaps we'd be better able to help you.


thanks for the reply, It's really none of the situations you mentioned. I guess ultimately I'm just looking for a straight answer on whether 8 partners by age 32 is somewhat normal or average for someone who has been single that long. I realize everyones perspective is different which I guess is why I ask. It is somewhat interesting.


A straight answer as to whether 8 partners by age 32 is "normal"?! Pardon my incredulity here - but why are you even asking? You are aware of your own "numbers", you are most likely aware of the friend-in-question's "numbers" (or have a ballpark idea), you are also most likely aware of your other friends'/acquaintances' "numbers" (if not by direct conversation then by observation). Is this sampling not sufficient to determine what a "normal" range may be? Is there some cultural/religious reason that some definitive "number" is so important to you and you are at such a lack as to come up with it on your own? Is your friend as obsessed with "numbers" or are you taking this on by yourself?

I don't mean to be a bitch about it all but I just don't get it. The scenario you described is as "normal" as you want it to be - more so if you come from a religion/culture where sex is forbidden/restricted and less so if you come from a nonreligious/worldly standpoint. Every "number" under the sun can be seen as excessive, normal or low depending upon where you stand.

So, where do YOU stand?!


Almost every woman lies about their number of sexual partners, this is because they don't want to be perceived as a 'whore'. What's funny is that if you go by what women say then most of the guys in my city must be having sex with the same three women. It's not uncommon for a woman to have two or three sexual partners a year for every year they were single. This is based on the data I have collected from female friends. Now, if you asked my female friends they would tell you they've had between five and nine partners when the actual number is closer twenty or thirty.


I appreciate your manner. I finally feel I got an answer to my question. I guess alot of my logic goes back to upbringing, I was raised pretty conservatively and have lived pretty much that way. We all come with our preconceived notions I guess. Then I bump into this scenario and this lady is not at all slutty, very classy. So I guess thats were my question comes in as to what exactly is 'normal'. If you read some sex surveys the mean for men is 6 and women 2, but the latest survey says 15 for men, 13 for women. My myopic view of the world is expanding I guess. I was genuinely unsure how I felt about the number, in some ways it seems high, in other ways it seems more a product of time than behaviour. Hence my questions about why number is important and whether it is at all meaningful in determining the character, value, and experience of a potential partner. I was hoping you'd respond karma, you cut through the BS quite nicely. Thank You.


Multiply the number by 3 for women and divide by 3 for men. Wait a sec mate. My number is 1 so does that mean I've only had sex with 1/3 of a girl?


Because some one who has sex a lot with few people is considered to have a strong, active sex life in their relationships (which likewise seem to be long lasting). Someone who has sex with a bunch of people is seen as easy, a slut, or being in short sex only relationships.

Thats my guess, as a social sciences major =P. That said, I personally am doing the near impossible.. waiting for marriage (hard as crap for a guy like me).


It's kind of funny to hear all of the totally different answers, just like in the previous post on the same subject. As Karma stated, it depends on your background and situations. Some people think that it is important to go for the world record in # of sexual partners, and some are saving 'it' for that special someone that they are going to marry. I have moved around allot and in some places it was pretty much normal for everyone to fuck everybody else but eventually you pick a favorite or something to that effect. In other places it was all about waiting until marriage. The real answer to this question is, “It’s whatever you are comfortable with." I have always been more comfortable with waiting until I really cared about a woman before I had sex with her, so as a result my numbers have been lower than most of my friends. That also leaves me inclined to seek out women who also have a lower count. Some people may take that as being prudish, but I don’t discriminate against people that are freer sexually. Most if not all of my friends are that way. I may eventually end up that way as well, who knows? For now I tend to take sex kind of seriously because I have had far too many friends become parents unintentionally, and since they weren’t ready half the time they do a poor job as being parents for the resulting child. I also love having personal control over my life and I live pretty much carefree at the moment. If I were to get an acquaintance pregnant, that could quickly change. I know, birth control, etc. I have seen numerous circumstances where that failed my friends. Call me uptight, but I like to save sex for meaningful relationships and with women that will appreciate me as more than just another notch on her bedpost or a stress reliever for the week or that night. As far as niloticus’s concern about his 32 year old friend, I’d say that 8 partners is still in the conservative range for her age.


If you are that hung up on numbers then you are probably not mature enough to be with her anyway. If she does not have an STD or any serious underlieing issues as to why she has had thta many partners then why on earth does it matter????????

This, of course, is assuming that you have been with someone. People waiting until marriage have every right to hold their partner to the same high standard.


Firstly, this is not a flame. Second, are you saying that someone that has had alot of sex partners is more mature than someone that is more selective? Or that someone that is selective is being immature for scrutinizing the sexual history of a possible love interest? I agree that 8 at 32 isn't what I consider alot, as per the original poster. I just thought it was odd that you were questioning his maturity because he had concerns about the promiscuity level of a possible love interest. In my opinion that is a valid concern. I agree that a specific number doesn't fit all people or circumstances as a way to guage underlying issues, but if someone has ALOT of past partners woudn't it make you wonder about thier loyalty, or possible psychological issues that couold be damaging to a serious longterm relationship? So in that respect, I tend to think that if you don't appreciate having your heart used as butt-wipe by someone, you might want to think these factors through before you give your heart to them. JMO and wondering what your take was on this.