I’ve debated with myself for the last couple of weeks whether or not to post what I have been going through in my life. Well, I guess I decided in favor of it.
I’m not sure why, though. I originally was going to post to ask for advice and help, but chickened out. I’m not looking for help or even replies now, but feel free to do so. I guess I’m doing it now, just to do it. I just feel like getting it out and saying what I’ve gone through and what’s been on my mind.
I guess I can start with a little background info of myself. I was in the Marine Corps from 1997-2002 and spent the entire time in Southern California. I met a girl, fell in love, the whole works, and got married in 2001.
We lived In San Diego County together until August 2002 when we decided to move to Santa Clarita(by Magic Mountain if you care) where she grew up. We had jobs, not great ones, but jobs, and they paid the bills and we had a little left over. To sum it up things were going smoothly.
Time passes and we start thinking about settling down, buying a house, and living the rest of our lives. The problem is house prices in California are insane(and the houses don’t have basements!). Since I grew up in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, I suggested we move there. Housing’s a lot cheaper, gas is cheaper, and I was starting to really miss the midwest and four seasons. Plus, only 6 to 8 Packer games were televised each season in California.
Well, we go back and forth about moving for the better part of eight months. Finally, she tells me she’s ready and wants to go. I’m excited, but I want to make sure she’s sure. She assures me she’s ready and May of 2004 we moved.
We’re here for a week and I can tell she hates it. And to be honest, it wasn’t all I expected. I guess after being gone for seven years people change and friendships fade. So now she has no friends and I don’t really either. It sucked, but no big deal, right, we have eachother.
She had a family reunion in Las Vegas in June that she wasn’t sure if she would be going to. She also had a wedding at the end of June that she wanted to attend. She wants to do both and she hates her job, so I tell her that she doesn’t have to work right now if she doesn’t want to. I do this trying to be supportive and help her adjust. And since the cost of living is so much lower, we could actually live off my pay for a while. So she gets to do both.
She drives out there since she will be gone for 3 1/2 weeks and we weren’t going to pay for a rental for that long. Things are going fine and she enjoys herself, but maybe too much. I guess she started to realize what she left behind and how much she missed it.
A week into her trip she tells me she isn’t coming back. God, I miss her.
She says she can’t see herself leaving California again. I’m crushed. I cry and beg for her to come back. For three days I didn’t know where my life was going or what to do. Then I did it.
I needed to get my mind off of the situation for a while. I needed help. I got invited out for a drink after work with a co-worker. A female.
I thought it would be good for me to get out and be social. I knew in the back of mind what was going to happen but I went anyway. And of course it did happen. We came back to my apartment(which by the way, my wife now refered to it as “mine” and not “ours”) and I became a cheater.
In a strange way I thought I needed that. I didn’t know where I stood with my wife. She said she wasn’t coming back. Were we even still together? I really didn’t feel that guilty at the time. I would later.
My wife and I talked almost daily. We slowly tried to make some sort of compromise or arrangement and fix our living situation. I couldn’t just go out there, we just moved here and had a one-year lease. I try to convince her to come back at least through Christmas and we can figure it out from there.
She finally agreed to come back until at least November. We would pay the penalty to break the lease and move back to California.
Days passed and I started questioning myself. I told her that if the only reason she was coming back to Wisconsin was for us to move back to California, then don’t come back. I told her I can’t guarantee that I can move back. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to leave Milwaukee.
And we were stalemated for 2 weeks.
One day during one of our conversations she asks me to fly out there so we can drive back together. I’m confused and asks what she means. She said she doesn’t care where we live she just wants to be with me. She said we don’t have to be in California, but we have to be together. I’m thrilled. But then guilt sets in.
I tell before she comes back she should know what I did. I tell her I cheated. I try to justify it by saying she started the chain of events that made me do it. In all honesty, I somewhat still believe that, but I know I still shouldn’t have done it.
That makes her decide she never wants to live in Milwaukee or anywhere in the midwest. So now we’re back to that position. What do I do now.
I belive that at the time, part of me didn’t want her to come back so I had to tell her about “the girl”. But I didn’t feel that way for long. God, I miss her.
She says we can still be together, but I need to move out there so we work this out and move on. I didn’t know what to do. I like Milwaukee. I like beer, brats, and snow. I’m just a midwest kinda guy. I didn’t miss the west coast and had no desire to go back. I was lost. And I kept her hanging with my indecisiveness.
I knew that if I stayed, I could buy a house afford to finish school, watch the Packers, and basically have everything I wanted in life…except her. Maybe to others this is a no-brainer in one way or another, but to me it was agonizing.
I told her I would come back to California in a couple weeks. I started making plans to leave and kept finding reasons to push the date back. Finally the time came to leave and I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t want to leave.
I called her and she asked what time I was leaving. I said I don’t know. I told her I’m not coming, at least not right now, maybe in a couple months. I said that I just got here and I wanted to enjoy it for a while longer. She said I was being selfish and didn’t care about our marriage. She tells me she’s filing for a separation by the end of the week. This was last week.
I start to think that maybe I am being selfish. What the hell do I need to stay here for? I decide that I want to come back, but she doesn’t believe me. She thinks I will just change my mind again. I ask her to please just give me a month or so to finish living here and settle things here, including the lease. She agrees, but says she won’t believe me until I am there. She also says that she won’t file for separation, but in her mind we are separated.
This morning I call her and tell her I don’t need a month. I just want to be with her and nothing else is important. I agree that I was selfish and we need to get our lives back together.
We have a little small talk and then she tells me that I need to know something before I come out there.
I already know what is coming.
Now we’re both cheaters. She went out the night before with some friends and brought a guy back to her apartment. I was crushed. Again.
I ask her for all the excruciating details that I shouldn’t even be asking. I found out the positions and how he put me to shame in the “stamina” department.
We talk for a while longer and as the initial shock wore off things changed. We actually had a really good conversation. It was probably the best conversation we have had since she left. God, I miss her.