Wow.
Pookie just pwned this thread.
HIS AND HERS ROAD TRIP
HER VERSION:
-
Pulls off at wrong exit.
-
Opens window
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Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
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Arrives at destination presently.
HIS VERSION:
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Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
-
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
-
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
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Finally rolls down window
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Hocks a loogie
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Pulls up to a 7 -11
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Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
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Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
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Gets back into car.
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Farts
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After he closes the door.
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Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
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Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
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Almost hits a deer
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Curses the night
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Curses you
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Curses the large slurpee
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Stops by the side of the road
19 Takes a leak
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Still taking a leak.
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Almost done
-
I think.
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Returns to car
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Drives and fiddles with radio.
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Yells at you for suggesting the map again
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Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
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He hates your sister.
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Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
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He had to look up pernicious.
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Couldn’t find a dictionary.
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Finally found a dictionary
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Couldn’t spell pernicious.
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Seethes at the memory of it all
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But she is laughing inside…
-
And of course you’re still lost.
COSMETIC SURGERY
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”
The second woman says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
To which the first replies, “Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
COSMETIC SURGERY
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”
The second woman says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
To which the first replies, “Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”[/quote]
Ha! Women get ugly and feel worthless when they get older.
Ha.
[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
I don’t want you to have an asthma attack [/quote]
i dont want you to have the right to vote or drive.
[quote]Vicomte wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
COSMETIC SURGERY
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”
The second woman says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”
To which the first replies, “Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
Ha! Women get ugly and feel worthless when they get older.
Ha.[/quote]
I know… just like so many men at Prom
[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
I don’t want you to have an asthma attack
i dont want you to have the right to vote or drive.[/quote]
you stomped your foot when you typed that didn’t you?
it’s okay delicate flower, it’s all in fun
[quote]stockzy wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR
We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
What the f@#k does Goonie Goo Goo mean Gus?[/quote]
I finally figured it out Gus! Your wife’s a bigfoot isn’t she? Look at her! She can’t even walk down the steps! Every year Gus. You burn down my back yard, and your wife tears down my steps!
And your kids are bigfeet too!
[quote]NickRageSkursky wrote:
stockzy wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR
We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
What the f@#k does Goonie Goo Goo mean Gus?
I finally figured it out Gus! Your wife’s a bigfoot isn’t she? Look at her! She can’t even walk down the steps! Every year Gus. You burn down my back yard, and your wife tears down my steps!
And your kids are bigfeet too![/quote]
YESSSSSS~!!!
“I think I will buy some for me”
oh man… that was funny
[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
LiveFromThe781 wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
I don’t want you to have an asthma attack
i dont want you to have the right to vote or drive.
you stomped your foot when you typed that didn’t you?
it’s okay delicate flower, it’s all in fun
[/quote]
speaking of flour, dont you have something to bake?
[quote]ahzaz wrote:
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
Luckily, you can do that by smell alone.
ROFL!![/quote]
hahha, so true 
God was talking to Adam (the days before Eve) and telling Adam all about this woman he going to make. Saying she is going to be great in bed, down to do anything, twice! She’ll always cook and clean, have cold beer for you whenever you want, you know- she’ll be perfect. Adam is getting really excited and nodding along, then he gets the catch.
“Wait, what is this going to cost me?”
God says an arm and a leg.
“Oh, well… What can I get for a rib?”
[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
LiveFromThe781 wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
I don’t want you to have an asthma attack
i dont want you to have the right to vote or drive.
you stomped your foot when you typed that didn’t you?
it’s okay delicate flower, it’s all in fun
speaking of flour, dont you have something to bake?
[/quote]
^ Look at this kid cry
[quote]Travacolypse wrote:
LiveFromThe781 wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
LiveFromThe781 wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
I don’t want you to have an asthma attack
i dont want you to have the right to vote or drive.
you stomped your foot when you typed that didn’t you?
it’s okay delicate flower, it’s all in fun
speaking of flour, dont you have something to bake?
^ Look at this kid cry[/quote]
He wants some attention… maybe it’s a growing phase
[quote]anonym wrote:
Wow.
Pookie just pwned this thread.[/quote]
X2
Men Are Like…
Your Ad Here
… Blenders.
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
… Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
… Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
… Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.
… Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
… Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
… Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
… Curling Irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
… Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.
… Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
… Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
… Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
… Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
… Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
… Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR
We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.
[/quote]
QFT
Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.
If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two, He’ll be back to his usual self.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
So she gets a divorce.
Marriage certificate?
It’s just another name for her work permit.
When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
“It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I will never forget that game of cards…”
Men lie about their jobs, drive cars they can’t afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs, and say they want a “real woman”…
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a mans sex drive by 90 percent… Wedding cake!!!
Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
If a man suggests that you take a break from vacuuming the living room and relax what it means is he can’t hear the TV
If you think he’s listening to you, you’re wrong he’s trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation
If a man had a thought in his head, it would get lonely!
If men got pregnant… abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Men are like roller coasters: when it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t… you can’t wait to throw up.
Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator
If he asks you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practicing.
Scientist have finally discovered the chemical formula for Viagra.
1% Sodium
1% Iron
1% Phosphate
97% Fix-a-Flat
Remember; you are known by the idiot you accompany
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don’t make fools of men most of them are the “do-it-yourself” types.
The best reason to divorce or break-up with a man is for health reasons you’re sick of him.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.
A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, “Oh alright, I’ll stay the night.”
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men a woman
When God made Man, she was just kidding.
If God had wanted men to be perfect, he’d have given them brains
Men is proof even God makes mistakes
Men? On the whole, I’d rather buy new batteries.
Men read Playboy for the articles women go to malls for the music.
Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.
Men love sex with redheads, but their wives don’t appreciate it!
Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win…they lose.
Men of quality respect women’s equality.
Men play the game. Women know the score.
Flies spread disease, keep your’s zipped
Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.
Women are a pain in the ass, men are a pain EVERYWHERE!
Men have a joystick whereas women just have a game port.
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Men, stupid? You’d be dense too if you had your brain in your pants!
If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming way too high
It was love at first sight. He walked by and I saw the twinkle in his eye.
I never knew that someone could be so in love with his own reflection in the mirror.
Women are indeed silly, we sleep with men, who if they were women, we wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
OG, you’ve successfully distracted me enough with this thread today! But, on the plus side I work with 5 females who are now going to find me and my funny jokes, that much funnier.
Leading to more of this
And this…
Thankyou!