T Nation

Women are Superior to Men

GUIDELINES FOR MODERN MEN

For modern men, we’ve compiled a brief list of those unspoken guidelines. These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that we’ve documented them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and say, “See, honey, I’m not the only one who does this stuff…”

  • On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you’re lost. Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.

  • But it’s okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy because he won’t sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald’s for the third time.

  • Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides. It’s all about who’s out in front.

  • Even if you don’t know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you’re a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics. If your car won’t run and you’re at a loss for words, try “Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?”

  • A real man doesn’t need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.

  • Don’t confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it’s during the finals. “Yeah, that Bo, he’s really something. WOW! Did you see that hook shot!”

  • Never admit you don’t understand a political issue. Opinions are like whiskers. You’re not an adult male without them.

  • There’s no need to consult the TV Guide when there’s a remote control handy. Just dive bomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.

  • If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel. It’s unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.

  • Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like, “Where’d you get your haircut, the school for the blind?” or “Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?” He’ll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.

  • If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it hurt your feelings, and you’ll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue. But never reveal it to the other guy. For example, “Coach, when you said I was a low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made me feel small and sad.”

  • Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological sex life to another guy unless the guy is a urologist.

  • A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activities, from Ping-Pong to chess. Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.

  • If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used, proceed to the farthest available urinal. If a line has formed, maintain proper spacing of at least 3 feet back from the guy using the urinal. Above all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds, don’t just stand there like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, anymore and the guy next to you will probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk away.

  • If you can’t take it, you’re not a man (whatever “it” might be). Maybe you’re scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one, you’d better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you’ll never hear the end of it.

  • Ignore or deny physical pain. As comedian Billy Crystal reports, “Mike Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margaret did in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? ‘I was, ah, stunned, that’s all, just stunned.’”

  • Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys. That’s between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.

  • Don’t tell another man your deepest hopes or fears. That’s like saying, “How do you like my suit of armor - It’s only got two weak spots in it - here and here.”

  • If you want to lose weight, don’t even think about giving up Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream. Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound those calories into submission.

  • Every guy should be hip about guns. Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he’s never been within 100 light years of a gun before, he’ll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.

  • If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative comments like “WOW! Check that out!” and if you’re alone, study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.

  • When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women’s lingerie department. Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fan blades of Death

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

If we’re not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.[/quote]

This argument should be removed from the list. It’s hard to argue superiority if you’re complaining about a barrier created by your “inferiors.”

If you say so dear!

A MAN’S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS

  1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

  1. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

  1. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust “junior” and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

  1. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

  1. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

  1. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

  1. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

  1. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest…Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

  1. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

  1. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU?”

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

  1. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

  1. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

  1. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you’ll pick it up.

  1. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let you know that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

  1. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying?

“Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina”.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.[/quote]

Man, you should see my shoes then. haha.

Also, another point would be “knows other means to earn an ‘A’ in school…”

Good Stuff!

[quote]wfifer wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

I’ve faked it.

[/quote]

I kinda have, too.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR

We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

[/quote]

What the f@#k does Goonie Goo Goo mean Gus?

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR

We got off the Titanic first.[/quote]

As i recall, it’s rather that we let you.
“Women and children first”.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.[/quote]
No.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
Men’s clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women’s clothes.
[/quote]
That is because women’s clothing are fucking retarded. It’s obvious that the superior race would have superior clothing.
Like a king and a peasant.

:smiley:

[quote]PonceDeLeon wrote:
wfifer wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

I’ve faked it.

I kinda have, too.[/quote]

“Kinda?”

I need details on this one, buddy.

[quote]stockzy wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR

We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

What the f@#k does Goonie Goo Goo mean Gus?[/quote]

ooohhhh and Gus was married to the Bigfoot

I loved RAW!!!

I can strangle just about any woman with just one hand.

That’s gotta be worth something.

I can even do two at once.

I’m rubber your glue,
every thing you say bounces off of me and sticks on to you.

So there.

[quote]Vicomte wrote:
I can strangle just about any woman with just one hand.

That’s gotta be worth something.

I can even do two at once.[/quote]

prove it

“If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel. It’s unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.”

Or use oil dry. I once spilled 5 quarts of oil on my kitchen carpet and had to put a ton of oil dry on it. It still oozed oil for months afterward. I just walked around that spot.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
Vicomte wrote:
I can strangle just about any woman with just one hand.

That’s gotta be worth something.

I can even do two at once.

prove it[/quote]

I’ll need two volunteers, naturally.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR[/quote]

We then had the choice of getting in the lifeboats with wet, screaming, hysteric women; or stay on the Titanic with the guys and the booze.

We picked wisely.

We prevent female bosses from occurring in the first place.

We’re nothing if not thorough.

We don’t go nuts over colored rocks mounted on metal rings, or over colorful strips of material used to covers windows.

Because that keeps another woman off the roads.

It’s money for the cat food.

Correct, but be careful not to kick over the beer.

Tits big, ass small. That’s all the sizes that matter.

Know why it’s glass? It’s so we can point and laugh from the other side.

Some of you should also abstain from group photos.

We invented fashion so you’d be interesting to look at even when you’re not naked.

Just because you don’t understand the humor of it, doesn’t mean it’s not funny.

We never have to care.

We better not.

We can congratulate your teammate without grabbing her ass. Unless she’s hot.

That’s why we pop ours and leave them in the mirror: So you can conceal those too.

Luckily, you can do that by smell alone.

If you didn’t waste all your memory on remembering 6 years old arguments in excruciating details, maybe you could.

So do we. It’s color coordination that we don’t do. Because we don’t care.

We barely even care if there’s teeth in our friends, never mind exotic veggies.

We prefer guns.

If you really care about making your ears more attractive, try placing your ankles behind them.

We can fully choose women just by looking at their asses.

We picture you naked because that’s the best way to while away the time until you’re done talking.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
MEN:
.
.
.
.[/quote]

Fuck that shit! I make my wife take it to Jiffy Lube on the way to get groceries.

[quote]We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

Luckily, you can do that by smell alone.

[/quote]

ROFL!!

[quote]pookie wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR

We got off the Titanic first.

We then had the choice of getting in the lifeboats with wet, screaming, hysteric women; or stay on the Titanic with the guys and the booze.

We picked wisely.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We prevent female bosses from occurring in the first place.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We’re nothing if not thorough.

We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

We don’t go nuts over colored rocks mounted on metal rings, or over colorful strips of material used to covers windows.

Taxi’s stop for us.

Because that keeps another woman off the roads.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

It’s money for the cat food.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Correct, but be careful not to kick over the beer.

We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.

Tits big, ass small. That’s all the sizes that matter.

If we’re not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.

Know why it’s glass? It’s so we can point and laugh from the other side.

It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

Some of you should also abstain from group photos.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male’s Speedo.

We invented fashion so you’d be interesting to look at even when you’re not naked.

We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

Just because you don’t understand the humor of it, doesn’t mean it’s not funny.

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

We never have to care.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We better not.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.

We can congratulate your teammate without grabbing her ass. Unless she’s hot.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

That’s why we pop ours and leave them in the mirror: So you can conceal those too.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

Luckily, you can do that by smell alone.

We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

If you didn’t waste all your memory on remembering 6 years old arguments in excruciating details, maybe you could.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

So do we. It’s color coordination that we don’t do. Because we don’t care.

Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

We barely even care if there’s teeth in our friends, never mind exotic veggies.

We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.

We prefer guns.

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

If you really care about making your ears more attractive, try placing your ankles behind them.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can fully choose women just by looking at their asses.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

We picture you naked because that’s the best way to while away the time until you’re done talking.
[/quote]

aaaaahhhhhh evil, funny, but evil!