T Nation

Women are Superior to Men

WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

Men’s clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women’s clothes.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxi’s stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.

If we’re not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.

It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male’s Speedo.

We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.

Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

when you buy a vibrator its only glamourous to men because its a man’s world and we give you social permission to do that.

men can also wear whatever the hell we want and chicks will dig it. ie, the whole punk scene, metal movement, guidos, emos, and skaters. plus disco.

why am i even posting anything back? get back to your kitchen.

WHY MEN ARE SUPERIOR:

we dont have to make a thread announcing that we’re superior or fight for equal rights…because we make the fucking rules

/thread. man-pwnz

CONTRACT FOR A WIFE

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that…

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five whole minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01. And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So this is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02. I will never ask for more foreplay.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01. I shall mention often your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01. I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02. I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03. I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04. I promise to shave every possible inch of my body, and will always love your weekend beard…

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men.”

Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything mechanical.

Section 7.01. With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed _____________________________(female)

Date _______________________________

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

Do tell

[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
WHY MEN ARE SUPERIOR:

we dont have to make a thread announcing that we’re superior or fight for equal rights…because we make the fucking rules

/thread. man-pwnz[/quote]

ah Live… even if you did, no one would believe you anyways =)

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.[/quote]

I’ve faked it.

THE FEMALE RULES

  1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

  2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

  3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

  4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

  5. The Female is never wrong.

  6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

  7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

  8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

  9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

  10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

  11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

  12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

  13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

  14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

  15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

  16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

  17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5

Good for you those are some excellent points,

I was going to rebut it with points of why males are better, but unfortunately tnation doesn’t have enough bandwidth to support it.

PENIS ENVY

If I had a penis I’d wear it outside,
In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis I’d pamper it proper.
I’d stay in the tub and use me as a stopper.

If I had a penis I’d take it to parties,
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
I’d take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
I’d stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day.

I’d rival my buddies in sports cars and stick-shifts.
I’d shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
I’d peek around corners, I’d aim at my toilet.
I’d poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.

If I had a penis I’d run to my mother,
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I’d lance her, I’d knight her, my hands would indulge,
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.

A penis to plunder, a penis to push
Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
A penis to love me, a penis to share…
To pick up and play with when nobody’s there.

I’d sit like a guy, I’d straddle the chair.
I’d play with my fly, albeit with care.
I’d dip it in chocolate, I’d stick it in sockets.
Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets.

I’d stick it in vacuums on vacant verandahs,
Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
Pool halls and potholes and bottles and bitches.

If I had a penis, I’d climb every mountain.
I’d force it on females, I’d pee like a fountain.
If I could have a penis and still be a girl,
I’d make much more money and conquer the world!

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.[/quote]

It’s sad how true this is…but I would argue that it proves that men (in this particular case) are better able to use their imaginations in a creative and fulfilling way, and are also more highly evolved in terms of their ability to identify a suitable mate.

…maybe?

[quote]wfifer wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

I’ve faked it.

[/quote]

Word, me too. It’s funny how all of them think that ejaculation=orgasm

women who make lame ass jokes like these are like people who constantly need affirmation, thaey have no self-confidence so they constantly need to hear it from others or say something and wait for that “…yea ok, uhuh”.

call me when you need something off the top shelf.

Men are better because the First Rule of Fight Club is

HIS/HER DIRECTIONS

HER DIRECTIONS:

80…(SF)…just after the weight station near Cordelia (I think) will be an exit for 14…Sonoma and Napa…take it…follow it all the way through…till you end up in Fairfield…there is a signal next to…a Beer joint I think it is…I don’t know…but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy…go through the signal…go over the bridge thing…then when you get to the next signal…make a left to go to Death Valley… you’ll be on Carneros Hwy…then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light…turn right…the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right…VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till you see a buncha power stuff…ya know, those big metal thingamajigs…there will be a stop sign…you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln …well…turn right…follow that to the end…its kinda a long way…you will hit old Bluewood Hwy…turn right on old Bluewood…follow it down…past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right) which is in Cotati…stay on this road and just get on the freeway…you will pass an exit…then just get off at Wilfred Ave…just off the offramp there is a signal…turnl eft…then go straight through the next one and under the overpass…go straight…you will see Pep Boys straight in front of you. You can chill there if you want or go to Wal Mart which you can’t miss…it’s in the same parking lot with Home Depot and Arby’s.

HIS DIRECTIONS:

80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old Bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancster
RT Lassen St

[quote]Fabregas wrote:
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

Do tell
[/quote]

if you have dirt shoes you dont care about your appearance.

if youre wearing certain shoes with certain clothes you either know how to dress or dont

expensive shoes make you seem wealthier

your type of shoes say what kind of person you are or click you try to fit into.

you dont have to be a women to know these things you just have to have an understanding of why people do what they do. …or just know shoes.

[quote]jCaesar88 wrote:
wfifer wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:

We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

I’ve faked it.

Word, me too. It’s funny how all of them think that ejaculation=orgasm[/quote]

I would be fooled, and then I would roll over and go to sleep!

[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
women who make lame ass jokes like these are like people who constantly need affirmation, thaey have no self-confidence so they constantly need to hear it from others or say something and wait for that “…yea ok, uhuh”.

call me when you need something off the top shelf.[/quote]

Live… live… Live

you sure are putting a lot of your upset into a joke thread.

Next you are going to stomp your foot at me and yell “Celeste stop picking on my manliness! I am superior! You just stop it!”

I don’t want you to have an asthma attack

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS

WOMEN:

  1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

  2. Drink a cup of coffee.

  3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MEN:

  1. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

  2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

  3. Open a beer and drink it.

  4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

  5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

  7. Place drain pan under engine.

  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

  10. Unscrew drain plug.

  11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

  12. Clean up.

  13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

  14. Look for oil filter wrench.

  15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

  16. Beer.

  17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.

  18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

  19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

  20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

  21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

  22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

  23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

  24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

  25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

  26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

  27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

  28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

  29. Begin cussing fit.

  30. Throw wrench.

  31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.

  32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

  33. Beer.

  34. Beer.

  35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

  36. Beer.

  37. Lower car from jack stands.

  38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

  39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

  40. Drive car.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
HIS/HER DIRECTIONS

HER DIRECTIONS:

80…(SF)…just after the weight station near Cordelia (I think) will be an exit for 14…Sonoma and Napa…take it…follow it all the way through…till you end up in Fairfield…there is a signal next to…a Beer joint I think it is…I don’t know…but you merge to the right which turns into a lil 2 lane freeway dealy…go through the signal…go over the bridge thing…then when you get to the next signal…make a left to go to Death Valley… you’ll be on Carneros Hwy…then you will come to a sort of dead end with a blinking red light…turn right…the road will give you a choice to go straight or veer right…VEER RIGHT. stay on this road till you see a buncha power stuff…ya know, those big metal thingamajigs…there will be a stop sign…you can either go straight or turn right on Lincoln …well…turn right…follow that to the end…its kinda a long way…you will hit old Bluewood Hwy…turn right on old Bluewood…follow it down…past the 8ball (a bar that will show up on the right) which is in Cotati…stay on this road and just get on the freeway…you will pass an exit…then just get off at Wilfred Ave…just off the offramp there is a signal…turnl eft…then go straight through the next one and under the overpass…go straight…you will see Pep Boys straight in front of you. You can chill there if you want or go to Wal Mart which you can’t miss…it’s in the same parking lot with Home Depot and Arby’s.

HIS DIRECTIONS:

80 West
Exit 14
Exit 121 (Left at Light)
Exit 116 (Veer right)
RT Lincoln Road
RT Old Bluewood
RT Myrtle
RT Lancster
RT Lassen St[/quote]

Brilliant!