T Nation


Does anyone else have my problem? I can’t seem to convince my wife to experiment at all in the bedroom. Not at all! She limits our sexual encounters to either missionary position or her on top with the occasional doggy-style session, but thats it. Just basically those first two positions, the third is thrown in for special occasions. There is no oral sex and the foreplay seems to be limited to extended bouts of french kissing. Sometimes I try to work my way down south but as soon as I get to the navel she grabs my ears and pulls me back up. Now don’t get me wrong the sex is alright, but it gets a little frustrating to feel so limited. All the other women I dated previously were much more uninhibited in bed, (oral, numerous positions, extremely physical, etc). I try to talk to her about it but she seems to be reluctant to even discuss it. I have asked her why she does not want to perform or receive oral sex and she just tells me that it is gross. If I ask her about getting a little more creative in bed she says that maybe we can try things eventually, but then time goes by and nothing changes. I am definitely not looking outside of my marriage to fulfill my needs, I love my wife very much and could never hurt her that way. I just need some advice on how to draw her out a little. If anyone has had a similar experience feel free to share or anybody could just give me their opinion on things to try.

Here’s some stuff that worked pretty good for me. Take a bath or shower together and work your way down. She might feel better about oral sex if she feels clean. Or don’t wait for the bedroom for sex - try it anywhere - the kitchen, living room sofa, stairs :)). Start undressing her and see where you get from there. Buy cosmo or some other mag like that and read it with her. Maybe she finds something interesting there. The real goodies are articles like ‘500 ways of driving him crazy in bed’ or so. Go through the list, tell her if you like it or not and ask her if she would like something similar done to her.
Another thing to try - get some soft music, some scented candles or oils and give her a full body massage. Then slowly concentrate your attention to her breasts and pubic area. That might ‘loosen’ her up for other things to come.
But you might have to take it easy and slowly work yourself forward. Don’t put too much pressure on her or it will fire backwards (she might try to avoid sex altogether). Hope some of this will work for you.

Dude are you married to my wife? Just kidding! I am in the same boat as you. I’m sure that there are a lot of guys out there going through this. I’m looking forward to the advice too.

aight dood while I’m not married nor would I ever claim to have much experience in the subject matter of martial relations I know what Dr. Ruth would say: go see a licensed therapist.

GymJim has some good points. Spend an entire evening with her as teh center of attention. Dinner, some wine, draw a bath, give her a massage. Kiss and rub her feet, then work your way up. Don’t go fast, almost like you’re sneaking… (not in a bad way!) Many women are conditioned (and perhaps men too, though I don’t know cause I’m not one) that oral sex is bad, you need to let her know it would make you very happy to let you do it. She may be nervous about her cleanliness, about passing gas, about dong something ‘wrong’ or any of a number of things. The Cosmo is a good idea, as is one of the ‘modern’ Kama Sutras - I have Anne Hooper’s. There is also Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth, it’s a regular bright yellow ‘Dummies’ book. It’s great you want to do this, very cool! If none of this works, have you thought at all about a sex therapist? There may be another hang up that you don’t know about… On another note, if she was ever forced to ‘perform’ or was an unwilling participant in any way, you have a big hurdle to get over, but you can with some work, and perhaps a counselor.

Damn, I feel for you dude. I thought my wife was bad but… Anyway, I have had a lot of success with a book by Dr. Kevin Leman titled: Making Sense of The Men In Your Life. Dr. Leman lays it out for women in a no-nonsense fashion. Get your wife to read the book and maybe seek some counseling because if her bahavior bugs you like my wife’s irritates me, patience is going to be a virtue soon exhausted. Best wishes.

ah. give her a couple of roofies and a swig of j.d. THAT oughta wake her right up.

I appreciate all the advice so far. I have already tried many of the suggestions listed. For some reason my wife has never really gotten into having sex anywhere but in the bedroom and not any time except when we’re going to bed. I also try to be as romantic and gentlemanly as possible every day maybe she has just become immune. I tried the bath thing but it didn’t go any farther than us just sitting there and the massages are basically an every night thing though those don’t seem to lead anywhere either. I don’t try to push anything on her and I try to approach the subject of our sex life carefully. Do you think she has just become accustomed to this first class treatment and feels she doesn’t have to work for it anymore? Just a thought.

If what you say is true (and I am assuming it is! smile) Then perhaps therapy IS in order. Is she, or was she raised religious? Maybe you should pick up a book by Tim LeHay. He and his wife wrote it, and it is sort of an instruction manual for newly weds. (I know… just hear me out) It is based on the idea that the couple are both virgins with little sexual knowledge, and it addresses the importance of being open and free in your sex life. A friend of mine showed it to me, I have only browsed through it. One passage I read, however, stated that it may be hard for a previously chaste woman to feel that she should be free in the bedroom, but that is part of married life. Just a thought.

Was your wife raised in a particularly religious household? A lot of people are brought up in a strict religious environment that teaches that sex is dirty and should be done as infrequently as possible, in the missionary position, with the lights off, and NEVER for pleasure. If this is the case, then she will not experiment until she changes her mind about sex.

I think you should give her drugs and alcohol to make her a HORNY ASS FREAK. If she doesnt go for it wait till she passes out and get started. Just kidding I have no idea. Good Luck turning nicegirl into nympho.

(You long-timers should get a kick out of this one) You could try slipping some whinny into her drinks.

Wow, seems you have a real problem here. I guess you will have to talk to her. Best at a time and place that has nothing to do with sex (not the usual place like in the bedroom when she pulls you up by the ears). Tell her how you feel and why this is important for you and how it effects your relationship. You might want to prepare your points and the way you present them beforehand, since it is important that your message comes over clearly without giving the wrong impression (I can imagine a dozen ways this can go wrong. You will be walking on dangerous grounds and the direction the discussion will take will mainly depend on how you present it - maybe michelle knows better ways to address this subject). You do not want to accuse her of anything, don’t get emotional. If she doesn’t want to answer right away, give her time to think about it. But fix a time you will pick up the subject again, no postponing until never. If you consider therapy you will have to confront her with that idea and talk about things anyway - I assume this is something you both will have to attend.

Your wife still has sex with you? You lucky bastard!


Yes Big Chief, luckily enough my wife does still have sex with me, it just isn’t quite what I think it can be. In response to the religion question, no, her family is not at all religious. Her sisters are also very openly sexual which baffles me even more. I don’t see how my wife has such a hang-up about sex with influences like that around. Maybe she feels like she has to hold herself to a higher standard because of them? I don’t know for sure but anything is possible. As far as therapy goes i’m not sure if she would be willing to do that or not. It would definitely be a difficult subject to bring up. In any case I will probably put it off for a while because today is her birthday and the last thing I want to do is make this time any less special for her. I really do appreciate all the different thoughts and opinions, they have all been very helpful. It is good to know this is a place I can look for honest, unbiased outside opinion.

Try this, hide a bowl of chocolate or can of whip cream under the bed and when the lights are turned out grab either one if you have both and having both is worth it. Just put it on her stomach and lick it off. Get creative on where to put it. She will want to do more stuff after that. You will be muff divin’ in no time!!!

buy her a small gift like a teddy bear or something maybe you’ll get something in return. And not on birthdays and V-days just like a thoughtful gift that says I am thinking of you she’ll go nuts… Or call her at work and say I just need to hear that sexy voice.

Women dig the center of attention thing. Shows some appricantion to her and she got out of the way to please you… At least it works for me… What can I say I am a romantic…

Theres is a problem when someone makes a questiona like this, it’s usually in the person writing. Keep comparing her to your other fornications, you will slide downhill quickly.

Ace34,you say some other women you’ve been with have been wild,why didn’t you marry one of them? I know there is more to a relationship than sex.Well that’s what I keep hearing anyway.Who came up with the crazy idea.Seriously,was your wife like that before you got hitched.You don’t say in your post.For my wife and I we made sure we were clear on that.I want it 24/7 and she decides when.That’s the norm,right? What’s that honey?.. Now?Thank you Jesus.Thank you,thank you.gotta go.