T Nation

Wife Wants Another Child-I Don't


#1

My wife of five years wants another child. We have twin boys, 3 years old. I enjoy being a parent, but it's been very stressful, balancing work, dealing with the work at home, having a fulfiling relationship with her. In addition, we're still trying to deal with day care costs and meeting their college savings.

In terms of sex, she even admits holding back sex since she gets resentful that she can't have another child.

We are in totally opposite positions, in terms of our opinion. I'm burnt. I suffer from mild panic attack issues, which came on about a year into the twins' lives.

We agree to disagree on this. She gets emotional when talking about it - starts to cry. To be honest, it comes up since she wants a tummy tuck, but doesn't feel she wants to get one until we decide. We may seek counseling.

Has anyone faced similar issues in your marriage? Any advice is appreciated.


#2

That's a rough patch brother. I wish I had some answers, but all I know is that marriage can be tough. Chicks have a way to mess with our heads. All I KNOW is that if you bow down and have kids because SHE wants them, then you'll only make yourself more miserable. Women often think that if only they had a _____ they would be happy. That's rarely true though and the most common answer to fill the blank is kids.

Good luck my friend.

mike


#3

I agree that you should get counceling. Obviously this is a huge sensitive issue with your wife, and with counceling you both might be able to better communicate and understand each other.


#4

Well, how old are the two of you? If you are still in your twenties then you have at least another 10 years left to have kids. You could wait until the twins are eight or ten years old and don't need constant attention.


#5

thanks for the posts.

In answer to your question, I'm 37, she's 35. Waiting another 5 years when the kids are older isn't an option. At least it isn't to me!


#6

Just do it man. You've already been through the hard yards with the first 2. The longer you put it off, the worse it will be when you have another screaming little spawn running around.

Plus you'll be happy that you did it in 25 years time or so.

Keep the little women happy.


#7

How bout secretly getting a vasectomy and after that heals agree have another kid. This way you appear to want another kid with her, but know that you cannot, therefore both of you are happy.


#8

Worst advice ever.

Hold your ground man, another child is not going to make your marriage any easier. Two kids are hard enough, make sure you stick up for yourself and don't get pushed in to doing something you do not want to do.


#9

the sad ruth is that kids are over-rated, all parents I know love their kids dearly and would not change them for the world, but at the end of the day they are a massive drain on yourself, physically, emotionally and finacially.

Its real hard to juggle work and young children I had long periods of working 60 hour weeks whilst having 4 to 5 hours sleep at night, if that was 4-5 in a row I would be happy.

Do you get free schooling where you are? My duagthers childcare was expensive too, we did not save for her future education until she started school and the childcare costs finished.

Counseling sounds like it would be great for you both, you can both relay to each other your true feelings and hopefully with the help of a mediator you will find common ground together.

Hope you guys work things out.

take it easy bro


#10

Totally agree. I had three kids when I had been married 10 years. One day my wife said she wanted a 4th. I asked why. Her response, "I feel as if my life is not complete". She had a job making $60,00 a year, three healthy boys, a nice house in the suburbs, and a loving (fully employed) husband. I reminded her of all of these things. The response, "I just feel my life isn't complete". I didn't want one. We weren't as close as we were when we got married. I didn't like having to compete with the 3 kids for her affection. Having a 4th wouldn't make it any easier. But, what do you say to a woman who feels that her life is missing something and wants your help fixing it. I gave in and about 9 months later we had a 4th son. To make a long story short, two years after that she had a boob job and an affair, kicked me out of the house, and filed for divorce.

During counseling (which she agreed to only to get me out of the house), she admitted that when we had the conversation about having #4, she no longer loved me. I'd say she withheld a relevant piece of information. When you ask your wife, "why", be aware that there may be an undisclosed agenda. It's now 10 years after my 4th son was born. I'm divorced and paying child support. I'll be paying it for 3 years longer than I otherwise would have had to, as well as an extra 4 years of college. It was an expensive lapse of judgment.


#11

Some sound advice here. I would suggest that you heed it. If there is a reason why your wife feels "unfulfilled" after having several kids already, another kid is not going to fix it. Paying child support for a child that you were coerced into having would suck.


#12

I don't have any kids nor a wife but my two cents for what it's worth: you're in a very precarious situation. You have a kid and you resent your wife for making you cave in, you don't and your wife resents you for not caving.

Dude that withholding sex is a big red flag for me. You should have sex because it's something you want to do and you're attracted to and trust the other person. Now she's using the shit as a bargaining chip, which is a whore tactic (not saying your wife is a whore).

Let me ask you this: do you REALLY and truly want a kid? If the answer is yes, is the PROMISE of a nut, or multiples, worth you taking care of someone for the next 18 years? Do you all have the finances to take care of another kid?

And shit dude she's withholding sex now, do you think it's going to get better once you have another rugrat running around?

You said she's 35 and that probably explains some of it, her biological clock is probably ticking into the next millennium, and she wants to pop out another baby because her body is telling her to do so. It's like Mikeyali said, she's doing this crap to make her happy - instant gratification - then a few years down the line when she's stressed as hell because of strained finances, relationship, and time, she's going to start to resent the marriage and start to resent you.

Dude don't let her emotionally\sexually manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.

I seriously hope you're a troll or something and this isn't true, because shit like this makes me question whether or not I'll get married.


#13

What was the understanding you and your wife had concerning kids prior to the two of you getting married? That understanding will have a lot to do with your obligation to your wife today regarding more children. As has been mentioned in this thread the desire to have kids can be masking a deeper problem, especially if your wife's desire isn't making much sense (finances, marital stress, etc.).

The two of you need to be able to discuss this question without letting emotions and feelings get in the way. I imagine a big part of the problem is that your wife knows that because of her age if she is ever going to have another child it has to be now. But don't let that deadline force you into something you aren't happy with. Children are a major responsibility and if you aren't totally in agreement with your wife on this you need to voice your opinion about it.


#14

Holy crap, I had no idea the whole "my life isn't complete" or "it feels like something is missing" lines were so common.

we've got two boys ages 2 and 3 and I feel like they might as well be twins sometimes. So I feel like i'm in a similar situation. The only difference is the wife has recently agreed that having more kids would'nt be the best thing. It's tough having two toddlers and boys (as you know) are just crazy. Mine are anyway.
I haven't offered any advice, but hopefully you'll figure it out and life will go on.
Good luck with everything.


#15

So how do you decide when it's the right time to have the first child?


#16

I don't think I agree to this. I don't know anyone who entered into a marriage with an explicit promise to have a definite number of children. Before I got married, my wife and I read the book (not the movie) "Cheaper By the Dozen" and thought that 12 might be a good. First, "might be a good idea" is not a promise to have 12. Second, we were operating under a mutual mistake and any agreement on the number is voidable.


#17

It's been my experience for most couples there's never a "good time", just times that are better than others (financially and emotionally). For other couples, that time is never.


#18

Firmly tell her "No!" and swat her nose with a rolled up newspaper.


#19

First -- No need to save for kids college fund. That is not your responsibility. If they want to go to college they will pay for it themselves or be smart enough to get someone else to pay for it. Otherwise they don't need to go. So nix that and that will help financially.

Second, tell your wife you would like to wait a little bit till the twins are not such a handful.

Third -- quit being such a s selfish prick. You only have two kids....so quit your crying. View the kids as assets not burdens.

Fourth -- if your wife works -- she shouldn't. That will save money and allow her to spend time properly raising the kids. If she does her job right the kids won't be a hassle. Plus the extra time she gets with the kids may help her feel like she doesn't need another.


#20

Bad kids come from bad parents. So if you have bad kids blame yourself and so something to rectify the problem. And no, watching episodes of The Nanny are not going to make you a good parent.