Wife and a Empty Nest

Yeah I think I will keep that story to myself.

I didnt think there was that much of a age difference to begin with. I assume you though I might have been younger due to my boyish good looks…LOL

1 Like

Well hell… I guess my youngest is having a hard time adjusting to college life. The oldest informed my wife last night since little brother is confiding in him. MAMA BEAR has gone into full blown worry mode.

1 Like

@ worry mode

Samewith the worry. I’m only as happy as my most unhappy child.

@ Adjusting to college.

So many of us have a tough time with big transitions. This will likely sort itself out as he settles into classes and a routine.

Some ideas. Find out how he’s doing with keeping a sleep schedule, daily exercise, overuse of caffeine. Kids often get WAY out of wack with staying up until 3 in the morning, and sleeping until noon on days they don’t have class. Most of us do better when we get up at the same time everyday, keep a regular schedule.

Find ways to develop new friendships with young single adults at church, intramural sports, clubs, etc… Set aside phone and computer for a couple of hours and go do active things like hiking, gym, exploring new places.

If he’s feeling really anxious/ down, encourage him to go talk to someone in the college counseling office. They will have a lot of experience with students who are having a rough time making this transition. Counseling can be really helpful. Or hook him up with someone through your health insurance. Check your coverage for counseling options in his town. Also, there are some really helpful Apps. Mine likes Headspace.

Sometimes new students actually have too much time on their hands, since they may be only attending classes three days per week. If he doesn’t have a part-time job, it may help him stay busy and manage his time so he has to be more organized and study. Often too much downtime is time to feel lonely, navel gaze, let anxious thoughts circle. You’ll know your kid best, so this may or may not be a deal. Mine is happiest when he’s really busy.

Actually, I think that women should be extremely wary of men who claim that they don’t want kids.

My oldest brother being case in point - he and his wife decided that they won’t be having children due to their very demanding careers (both were extremely accomplished MDs, even on an international level).

My brother changed his mind at the age of 48 and now has two kids with a former nurse from his hospital who’s 22 years his junior, while my former sister-in-law attends therapy sessions daily.

He’s my bro but he’s an asshole.

1 Like

Ouch. That’s a terrible story, loppar.

@anon71262119 Not sure why deleted your one post… But I will let you know the youngest did go see someone on his own accord Friday. They feel he is suffering from extreme anxiety …figured it might raise it ugly head since anxiety disorders tend to run on my side of the family. Friday it got ugly when the youngest called mom near midnight sobbing in complete emotional mess due too being over stressed.

2 Likes

This is really tough to deal with as a parent, but I’ve never had a job that didn’t do this to me at least once. If your son is even 1% like you, then from what I’ve seen in your log, he’ll make it. And by “make it”, I don’t mean he has to graduate from this college, or from college at all - I just mean it’s likely he’ll have the perseverance and fortitude to succeed in the world.

1 Like

Thanks… on a good note I suggested for him to come home for the weekend. He said no and he said he needed to work this out on his own. I’m taking a wait and see… The wife is stressed over it now.

3 Likes

Spoken like a man.

1 Like

Restored. I assumed you’d read it, and it was likely too much information.

@ Anxiety. You may know this, so please pardon me if I’m telling you things you know.

Make sure he realizes that a lot of competent, successful people have issues with anxiety. As parents your response needs to be patience, calm, supportive. Excessive worry on your part isn’t helpful. Listen, and express confidence that this will get better, and he can learn to manage it. Big transitions often trigger it. It’s not a character flaw. As you mentioned, it tends to run in families so he may have inherited a tendency toward it, even though it may manifest itself differently in different individuals.

He can learn strategies to cope with this so he can begin to bring it down on his own. If this is his first acute anxiety experience, he should be very hopeful that this will get better over the next few days and weeks. Knowing what it is (anxiety), and recognizing that it isn’t rational is only part of the process. Learning to dismiss it or decrease it is a skill he can learn. Meditation Apps like Headspace can be helpful. Many people learn to cope with anxiety with counseling, but medication may be something to consider, depending on how well he adjusts over the next few months and if he responds well to counseling.

1 Like

Excellent contribution, @anon71262119.

1 Like

Hey, thank you.

@bulldog9899, this might be a helpful resource for all of you. If you and your wife click on the Understand the Facts tab, you’ll find some good background information. I know you have family members with anxiety, so you may already be up to speed on the various types. You may see some overlap with other family members, but your son may experience different symptoms, different things that set it off. This is the case with my family.

I wish our youngest would be just slightly more anxious about her grades. wink.

actually no it wasnt too much info. Actual my concern for the youngest is due to the fact that I have been diagnosed with a anxiety disorder many moons ago ( Thanks mom). I had hopped he would dodge a bullet …but it would appear my hopes for that is now crapped out.

2 Likes

Well, same in our family. Yeah, we’d like to give our kids all of our positive traits, and none of the…err… less awesome genetics.

Putting this in weight lifting terms, I see general anxiety (GAD) as less like a mental illness, and more like a metabolic problem. Imagine that those of us with an average stress/anxiety response run along at about a three most of the time. People who have GAD run higher, much like having a fast metabolism. Let’s say their normal is up around a FIVE. I think this is what life is like for my husband. He has a higher level of anxiety, often uncomfortably so, running in the background all the time. You don’t see it, because he’s good at managing it and he’s a quiet person who isn’t going to complain a lot anyway. Some of that is what makes him good at his job. He’s incredibly conscientious, cautious, thinks about all the contingencies, and is good at trouble shooting problems. To carry that analogy, maybe more naturally mellow, laid back people are like someone with a slow metabolism, so they’re running along at a two. Sometimes you’d like to light a fire under those people.

It’s actually been really good for our son to realize that his dad understands where he’s coming from, at least to a degree.

With your son, something like 40 percent of people experience some really intense anxiety at some point in their lives. That fight or flight response is there for a good reason. Some people have a genetic predisposition to get that triggered more easily or have a harder time shutting it down quickly. Take heart. Your son may very quickly learn to mange this, and it may be less of a recurring deal for him. Also, for my son I think some of this is actually a good thing. He’s a high achiever with a lot of talents. He could be arrogant. Not that we wish hard things on our children, but these challenges help us grow and they keep us humble, give us empathy.

On humility. From my faith tradition. " And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble.

Best to you and your family.
Puff

3 Likes

Same in my family too.

1 Like

I would say your 100% correct!

1 Like

IM SAVED!!! Boys are home for the next three days!!!

4 Likes

I’d buy.

1 Like

About your wife missing them terribly. Three days isn’t long enough, but I’ve found when my son is home for vacation this is what happens over a period of a week or two.

His friends often arrive at our house at 9 or 10 pm, and their evening is just getting started. Maybe a bunch of them in my kitchen making food very late or hanging in my living room laughing until way past my bedtime, then coming home in the early morning hours. I really like my kid’s friends, and it’s nice to see them when he’s home, but I realize that they’re really messing with my sleep.

And then he’s in bed until noon, so the “sitting around reading the morning paper in your sweats” portion of his day starts about lunchtime, and goes well into the afternoon. I’m an extreme morning person so anyone who sleeps until noon is going to drive me nuts after awhile.

So… by the time his vacation ends, we’re looking at each other thinking it’s time for him to get back on a schedule, be a productive human again, and realizing that having another adult in the house who acts like an anarchist is irritating.

This is me trying to remember why it’s better that he’s away, busy with work and school. I had him home for only three weeks in May, and then he was away all summer doing an internship.

I miss him and all the chaos he brings to the house.

5 Likes

Got to the bottom of the youngest anxiety issue…

3 Likes