Man! I really, really need a home gym.
At my university where I work out, there’s about a 90 percent chance that I’ll be the strongest, fittest, best looking guy working out at any given time. Now, while I may not be bad looking, THERE IS NO WAY in a sane world that I should be the strongest dude in a gym. Not that I’m weak, but I’m no beast. Now, you may be thinking, ‘great, the chicks will notice you more this way, your lucky.’ Well, yeah, the chicks do notice more, but frankly, I ain’t in the gym to pick up chicks. I wear a freakin stop watch around my neck to time my rest periods and have no time to charm some young lady. No, there are time when you don’t want female attention… A week ago I was performing weighted pullups and these three big fat black women (I can say this because I’m half black) started making cat calls at me and saying things like, “Ohhh boy you’re hot!” “Get yo’ self over here!” “Can I feel your muscles?” “You so hot! Are you black?” All this in the middle of a crowded gym. Then they aproached me ant wanted to take my picture. Holy crap! YUCK!
Another reason this is a problem is that I’m not just decently strong but also have pretty good definition, which is, of course, why most people go to the gym (to look like Brad Pitt and all that). So practically every time I’m in the gym someone asks me for listing advice.
Q: How long will it take me to look like that?
A: I have five seconds untill my next deadlift single, and I’m trying to get pissed so I can lift it… Shut up.
Q: How do I get forearms like yours? Wrist curls?
A: Nope. Anyway I think we should talk about your skinny legs and bad posture first.
Q: How can I look like Brendan Friseur from George of the Jungle?
Oh yeah, these are real questions that I’ve been asked (not real answers, I usually try to help people who ask me stuff). Hey, nothing wrong with helping people in the gym, but dang I really don’t have time and it’s clear to me that these people will never achieve their goals because when I start talking about heavy lifting and big eating they frown and stop listening.
If I have to lift around other people at least they could be bigger and stronger than me and thus inspire me. There’s nothing inspiring about the chick reading a book while performing crunches.
And this is not to mention the awful music, or the waiting for equipment, or the bizarre behavior of many other gym patrons., or the smell - and I don’t mean sweat, I mean cologne! effing cologne! Just kill me now.