Cuddlemonial (the real/true version HEHEHE):
I joined this club because it sounded like I could maybe get a date afterwards. The personals ad I put in the paper didn't work, and the internet dating services just had a bunch of lonely schlubs like me and no actual girls... at least ones that I could possibly get a boner looking at naked.
So I showed up, and I was a little nervous, to be honest. The people who answered the door were really friendly, but I still felt kinda weird at first when we all "got together". The girl behind me was breathing on the back of my neck, and I started to get wood. I kept having to shift around uncomfortably because I always wear tighty-whiteys (I'm too shy to buy boxers at the store), and they were cramping my small penis and balls in a most irritating way.
After a while, I started to pray that it would end. Having the girl behind me tell me how great this was for her didn't help me at all. She kept saying "this is what I've needed for so long..." and all I could think about was getting the hell out of there ASAP and getting back to the bra section of the latest Sears catalog back at my apartment.
The dude across the room kept staring at me. At first, I thought I might have a booger in my nose, but then I realized when he licked his lips at me that it was something far more sinister than I could have ever imagined. PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP!
All I wanted was to maybe get a date. That's all I wanted. After we unclumped from each other, I thanked the hosts and everybody else and ran home and dry-humped the sofa. Maybe there's somebody at the coffee shop down the street...
I hope nobody ever finds out I went to that cuddle group. I will jump off of a building if they do.
-H. Melvins, New York
Check out the rules to these get-togethers. What happened to the rule on no farting while spooning?
WHAT TO WEAR: Pajamas - nothing too risque. Think more comfy than sexy. (More drawstrings, less lace!)
WHAT TO BRING: A pillow or stuffed animal if you like. Juice or sparkling cider is always welcome. Sorry, no liquor folks. Otherwise, just bring your smiling self.
STICK TO THE RULES: Here are the absolutely essential, tried and true Rules of the Cuddle Game. Read 'em and follow 'em!
- Pajamas stay on the whole time.
- No SEX. (Yep, you read that right.)
- A) Kissing and nuzzling, as well as other forms of touch, are allowed, but you must ask permission and receive a verbal YES before you touch anyone.
B) You don't have to cuddle anyone at a Cuddle Party, ever.
- If you're a yes, say YES. If you're a no, say NO.
- If you're a maybe, say NO.
- You are encouraged to change your mind from a yes to a no, no to a yes anytime you want.
- NO DRY HUMPING!
- If you're in a relationship, communicate and set your boundaries and agreements BEFORE you go to the Cuddle Party. Don't re-negotiate those agreements/boundaries during the Cuddle Party. (Trust us on this one.)
- Get your Cuddle Lifeguard On Duty or Cuddle Caddy if there's a concern, problem, or question or should you feel unsafe or need assistance with anything during the Cuddle Party.
- Crying and giggling are both welcomed and encouraged.
- Please be respectful of other people's privacy when sharing with the outside world about Cuddle Parties and DO NOT GOSSIP.
- Arrive on time.
- Be hygienically savvy.
- Keep the cuddle space tidy and pick up after yourself.
- Always say thank you and practice good Cuddle Manners.
I dare someone to gorge on cheap protein powder and beans and then show up at one of these things.
I haven't laughed so hard in years.
Sorry. But thanks for sharing your testimony.
(It's taken me about 5 mins to type this)
Thanks, Iron John. It felt good to get that off of my chest.
I was doing fine until I read that you can become a certified cuddle party facilitator: http://www.cuddleparty.com/training/
Sounds like fun. I'd probalby sleep more than cuddle but fun nontheless
Here's my favorite quote from the faq:
"FEES: Training fees are $950 if you submit your application by the early registration date, or $1050 for regular registration. This includes a non-refundable application fee of $100, all training and materials fees, lunches and snacks during training, and 3 to 6 months of follow-up support during the certification process."
I would probably love the follow-up support calls... need to get a job answering the phones, man!!
"Hello, cuddle-party assistance line, can I help you?"
"This guy WON'T STOP FARTING!!! AAAAAHH!!"
"Okay, take it easy now, remember your 'cuddle happy place?' Go to it now."
"Wow, yeah... okay."
"Now what's this about... farting? "
"Yeah, this bodybuilder guy joined up like two weeks ago. At first, all the girls wanted to cuddle with him so bad because, well... just because I guess. Anyway, I was doing the hourly 'cuddlebuddy walkthru hand check', and I smelled something."
"What did it... smell ... like?"
"It was bad. Like beans, but mixed with chocolate somehow... what do bodybuilder guys eat anyway? Gross..."
"BWAAA HAAAHHAAHAHAHAHA!!! IT WAS ME, BUBBA!!! CUDDLE MY ASS STINK, LITTLE MAN!!! AAHAHAHAHA!!!"
That would be righteous. I'm putting in my application tomorrow.
Im going to combine my future MBA w/ a certification in cuddle facilitation and corner the market
Cuddle my ass stink. Priceless.
Holy crap - that NATE DOGG in theat bottom picture????
step away from an orgy???