Cuddlemonial (the real/true version HEHEHE):
I joined this club because it sounded like I could maybe get a date afterwards. The personals ad I put in the paper didn't work, and the internet dating services just had a bunch of lonely schlubs like me and no actual girls... at least ones that I could possibly get a boner looking at naked.
So I showed up, and I was a little nervous, to be honest. The people who answered the door were really friendly, but I still felt kinda weird at first when we all "got together". The girl behind me was breathing on the back of my neck, and I started to get wood. I kept having to shift around uncomfortably because I always wear tighty-whiteys (I'm too shy to buy boxers at the store), and they were cramping my small penis and balls in a most irritating way.
After a while, I started to pray that it would end. Having the girl behind me tell me how great this was for her didn't help me at all. She kept saying "this is what I've needed for so long..." and all I could think about was getting the hell out of there ASAP and getting back to the bra section of the latest Sears catalog back at my apartment.
The dude across the room kept staring at me. At first, I thought I might have a booger in my nose, but then I realized when he licked his lips at me that it was something far more sinister than I could have ever imagined. PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP!
All I wanted was to maybe get a date. That's all I wanted. After we unclumped from each other, I thanked the hosts and everybody else and ran home and dry-humped the sofa. Maybe there's somebody at the coffee shop down the street...
I hope nobody ever finds out I went to that cuddle group. I will jump off of a building if they do.
-H. Melvins, New York