T Nation

When Is It Time To Grow Up?

Start a family,settle down,find “the” woman,get a “real job”…

I’m 29 and I’m still living like a 20 year old boy.
I have a crappy part time job,still studying (I started uni very late),
totally single,pennyless,I share a flat with other students…

A few nites ago I was in the car, I was making out with this girl that I’m dating ,she’s 21…almost 10 years younger and she goes

“Horazio,you’re almost 30! you have to settle down…you can’t live like this forever…”

I nodded along,because I dind’t want to argue.

But you know what : I don’t wanna grow up! NOT NOW.

…I’ll grow up…when I’m 40…

whenever you bloody feel like it. Hows that sound?

It’s your life. As long as you’re not a nuisance to anyone else, why not just do what you want?

There’s nothing worse than making decisions, especially ones involving commitments and children, to please someone else. You’ll wake up someday hating your life, yourself and most likely the person you tried to please.

When you’re ready for something different, you’ll know it. Hell, you’ll want it.

You’re a guy. You aren’t the under pressure from more rapidly declining looks or a a biological clock that women are. Take your time.

[quote]pookie wrote:
It’s your life. As long as you’re not a nuisance to anyone else, why not just do what you want?
[/quote]

The danger is that you may wake up one day and realize that it is now too late to get what you really want.

Hollywood has overblown that sort of scenario, but it does happen.

You need to be honest with yourself about what you want. Not just for the moment, but long term. Because what we want in the moment isn’t always what is best for the long term. I agree with pookie that you shouldn’t be making life-altering decisions to please another person.

By the same token, don’t postpone making important choices because they get in the way of your immediate pleasure, or because you have never stopped to think about them.

Do you want kids? Do you want to be a younger father or an older one? How old and what kind of father did you have, and do you want to do things the way he did or another way? Do you want to be married? When you get married, do you want to have some time to live with your wife as a couple before having children?

That is a major one to me… I know so many people who get married and immediately set out to have kids. The older you get, the harder it is to avoid that.

Anyway, you don’t owe anyone kids or marriage or anything else. But you also have to remember that whether you make choices consciously or unconsciously by avoiding them, whatever path you choose will have its own consequences, its own good and bad.

From what I’ve learned I know that it isn’t defined by what age you are. Sure, it has an impact, but too many people think they are obliged to something just because of a number.

Man, now I realize how stupid I was to think like that at 20 years old. It’s probably still stupid at 29. My thinking like that lead me to a career oriented job that I loathe.

Don’t do what I did.

Since when does having a family equate to being grown up anyways. I mean if you are too ugly to ever marry, does that mean you will never grow up?

Also where are these “fake” jobs. Hell I know what real paycheck is. It pays the bills and that is all that you need to worry about. Believe me all of the money in the world cannot help you, if you are unhappy the majority of the time.

Grow up when you want, you are in school, and hopefully doing well at it. Fuck the world.

I am starting my first semester in college in august, and I turn 23 in sept. I am going from making around 30k a year, back to broke. So don’t feel bad man. Honestly I am young enough that I could prolly make it through life with the job I have now, but it makes me miserable.

[quote]Horazio wrote:
Start a family,settle down,find “the” woman,get a “real job”…

I’m 29 and I’m still living like a 20 year old boy.
I have a crappy part time job,still studying (I started uni very late),
totally single,pennyless,I share a flat with other students…

A few nites ago I was in the car, I was making out with this girl that I’m dating ,she’s 21…[/quote]

Need pics of 21 year old.

Hey Horazio, I’m in the same boat with ya’. I 29 am just now finishing a degree, never married and no kids. I now live without room mates for the first time in 10 years. Personally, I enjoy not having to put up with roommates but I also miss having the asshole roomie that does push you in whatever manner it may be.

I realize there are many pluses to the situation I am in now. As soon as I finish my degree, I can move to anywhere in the country that I choose. I answer to no one about where any of my free time goes and I really am unlimited in where ever I choose to take my life.

I do sometimes run into an old girlfriend and think to my self about how happy I am that I haven’t got married yet (especially to her) and I do only have one friend that is truly happily married. All the others are either unhappy in marriage or divorced.

Now, I realize that I will not waste my time being in a relationship that I am not generally happy in nor will I ‘settle’ because that is what is expected of me. As I’m sure you have experienced though, when you meet anyone new, they ask “so married, kids?” and then they give you that look.

That ‘look’ annoys the shit out of me. Look old lady, I’m sorry you didn’t use a rubber when you were younger but don’t look at me like that and don’t try to set me up with your 300lb friend with 4 kids with 4 different babies daddies.

Anyways dude, I am drunk so take whatever I said however ya’ want but don’t let people get to ya man. You’ve lived long enough, do what you know is best for you, just not because others say so. I think Nephorm had some good points. Me, right now, I feel if ‘the one’ comes along, great but if she doesn’t, I’m in no hurry.

I know some very immature people who got married early. One of them, only 22 now, is getting a divorce…and has three kids…and has no education…and is getting out of the military. Maturity has jack shit to do with getting married.

In my clinic alone I know of three people who have gotten divorced in the last 2 years and two others who seem to be headed in that direction. Needless to say, I’m glad I don’t have that drama in my life right now. As long as you are progressing in a positive direction and working hard towards a goal, why should anyone think they need to “grow up” by anyone else’s standards?

I have no intentions of growing up…at least as far as what that traditionally means as far as “priorities” or mentality. I am glad I worked my ass off to get to a certain place career-wise long before I worried about kids and a family. I know a ton of people who had kids early, even before they ever even graduated high school, and life doesn’t seem to be all roses for them.

Living your life according to someone else’s philosophy could be the greatest mistake anyone could make. Not knowing when you are truly ready for certain responsibilities would be another.

[quote]Professor X wrote:

Living your life according to someone else’s philosophy could be the greatest mistake anyone could make. Not knowing when you are truly ready for certain responsibilities would be another.[/quote]

It that ain’t the frickin’ truth. As powerful as any of the Strong Words posted on T-Nation.

[quote]Professor X wrote:
I know some…[/quote]

And I replied to this thread earlier too. But I’m not sure I would necessarily listen to guys that are posting on an internet forum at 10:30pm on a Fri. night…

…I’m not sure why I opened this thread since I’m already 90% satisfied with my lifestyle.
I don’t know,it’s the pressure from the outside : my mom, my collegues, the girls.
They’re all telling not to be a Peter Pan.

[quote]Horazio wrote:
…I’m not sure why I opened this thread since I’m already 90% satisfied with my lifestyle.
I don’t know,it’s the pressure from the outside : my mom, my collegues, the girls.
They’re all telling not to be a Peter Pan.

Ah, you are Italian and your Mom is nagging?

[/quote]

I don’t want to have kids and I don’t want to get married. As it has been stated here already, getting married and having kids doesn’t necessarily have much to do with growing up, though.

I think Pookie put it well - do what you want as long as you’re not a nuisance to anyone else.

In my opinion, being able to live an independent life and to hold your own as well as making rational decisions and taking responsibility for them is what counts when talking about ‘growing up’.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

[quote]Horazio wrote:
…I’m not sure why I opened this thread since I’m already 90% satisfied with my lifestyle.
I don’t know,it’s the pressure from the outside : my mom, my collegues, the girls.
They’re all telling not to be a Peter Pan.
[/quote]

I have to tell you, if I had an Italian beauty available to me, the prospect of eventual marriage would seem much, much nicer…

[quote]Mick28 wrote:
I have a friend who thought the same way as you at 29. He’s now 41 and still thinking like that. He doesn’t date as much as he used to. He’s very involved in his work. And honestly he seems more lonely than maybe even 5 years ago. But that’s just him it does not have to be you. You might do it better.

I don’t see anything inherently wrong with it. Just make sure that you fully put your arms around what exactly you are missing out on by hanging on to this sort of thing. Remember when you say yes to one thing (trying to be 21 forever) you are saying no to something else (marriage, children etc.).

You know just keep in mind the down side.

Here are two potential things:

You will eventually be rejected by all women that you would prefer to date. A cute 21 year old might find you attractive at 29. When you turn 35 or so that 21 year old might not find you all that attractive. Then again if you have enough money you might just become attractive again. Ha.

When you do decide to get married, if that day ever comes, and you have children you might not like being the oldest father at the boy scout and PTA meetings. When your son is 10 years old and wants to play catch will you have enough energy and desire to do so?

It takes energy to follower toddlers around too. If you are an involved father that is. Then again you might just be one in a million that stay younger longer than most.

Generally, I feel that it is your life and you should spend it the way that you want. But just make sure that you are making an informed decision. Look at the potential upside and downside of the decision.

[/quote]

Holy crap, dude. He’s 29. I could possibly see this angle if he was 40 years old, but 30 years old for a GUY isn’t “old”, especially today.

I would honestly hope people aren’t rushing into relationships based on fear that they may turn 35 before they get married.

Maybe that is why there are so many divorces going on. Would you really rather be on your second marriage at 40, or have made sure you made the right decision the first time?

[quote]Professor X wrote:
Mick28 wrote:
I have a friend who thought the same way as you at 29. He’s now 41 and still thinking like that. He doesn’t date as much as he used to. He’s very involved in his work. And honestly he seems more lonely than maybe even 5 years ago. But that’s just him it does not have to be you. You might do it better.

I don’t see anything inherently wrong with it. Just make sure that you fully put your arms around what exactly you are missing out on by hanging on to this sort of thing. Remember when you say yes to one thing (trying to be 21 forever) .you are saying no to something else (marriage, children etc.).

You know just keep in mind the down side.

Here are two potential things:

You will eventually be rejected by all women that you would prefer to date. A cute 21 year old might find you attractive at 29. When you turn 35 or so that 21 year old might not find you all that attractive. Then again if you have enough money you might just become attractive again. Ha.

When you do decide to get married, if that day ever comes, and you have children you might not like being the oldest father at the boy scout and PTA meetings. When your son is 10 years old and wants to play catch will you have enough energy and desire to do so?

It takes energy to follower toddlers around too. If you are an involved father that is. Then again you might just be one in a million that stay younger longer than most.

Generally, I feel that it is your life and you should spend it the way that you want. But just make sure that you are making an informed decision. Look at the potential upside and downside of the decision.

Holy crap, dude. He’s 29. I could possibly see this angle if he was 40 years old, but 30 years old for a GUY isn’t “old”, especially today.

I would honestly hope people aren’t rushing into relationships based on fear that they may turn 35 before they get married.

Maybe that is why there are so many divorces going on. Would you really rather be on your second marriage at 40, or have made sure you made the right decision the first time?[/quote]

I believe he said his friend thought like this when he WAS 29 but IS now 41.

[quote]duece wrote:
Professor X wrote:

Living your life according to someone else’s philosophy could be the greatest mistake anyone could make.
[/quote]

It could also be the best choice. Depends on the philosophy, not all are equal. For example, I’ve known lots of people who were alcoholics and drugies, the ones that adopted some one else’s philosophy (AA, religion) and showed humility got better and happier. The one’s that didn’t, never got better.