T Nation

When Do You Know It's Time to Settle Down?

I’m 27 and I’ve jumped from girl to girl for the majority of my life. It’s exciting and much less stressful while I try to focus on my career growth and other aspects of life.

I met a girl who was a great match for me last November. She is beautiful, has a great personality, and she is a very kindhearted person. I fell for her and it provided me with an excitement that I never felt before. But, as time went on, I started to grow tired of having sex with the same girl and my eyes began to wander.

Since the concept of a relationship was new to me, I just assumed that this was a temptation that I needed to resist to make the relationship work. But, this became more difficult over time and I decided to break it off with her. I still felt like I loved her, but I didn’t trust myself to stay faithful and I didn’t want to hurt her.

Am I just not ready to settle down? I found this girl to be a nearly perfect match, so I don’t think another girl will turn out to be any different. Is it normal to have these feelings while dating? She became more and more attached to me as time went on while I seemed to experience the opposite. Maybe it was because the challenge and excitement of the chase was no longer there.

Any advice is welcome.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

You’ll know.

You are not ready for whatever reason, When you truly want to be with someone you won’t wonder about the grass on the other side…

Keep it fun, hit and run.

[quote]335i wrote:
I’m 27 and I’ve jumped from girl to girl for the majority of my life. It’s exciting and much less stressful while I try to focus on my career growth and other aspects of life.

I met a girl who was a great match for me last November. She is beautiful, has a great personality, and she is a very kindhearted person. I fell for her and it provided me with an excitement that I never felt before. But, as time went on, I started to grow tired of having sex with the same girl and my eyes began to wander.

Since the concept of a relationship was new to me, I just assumed that this was a temptation that I needed to resist to make the relationship work. But, this became more difficult over time and I decided to break it off with her. I still felt like I loved her, but I didn’t trust myself to stay faithful and I didn’t want to hurt her.

Am I just not ready to settle down? I found this girl to be a nearly perfect match, so I don’t think another girl will turn out to be any different. Is it normal to have these feelings while dating? She became more and more attached to me as time went on while I seemed to experience the opposite. Maybe it was because the challenge and excitement of the chase was no longer there.

Any advice is welcome.
[/quote]

I know 27 doesn’t feel young to you now, but one day it will. You’ll likely go through different types of relationships before you find what is right for you. Trial and error is ok. Personally, I believe that you need to go through this to come to terms with who YOU are and then find someone that wants the same. Don’t worry about settling down because you feel you need to. If that’s what’s right, you’ll get there. I married my wife at 25 and discovered at 42 how rare it is to be in love with that same woman 17 years later. I was lucky and the exception to the “rule”. Enjoy your life, date women, but be a man and be geniune. You only find find something real if you are.

[quote]wswnsc wrote:

[quote]335i wrote:
I’m 27 and I’ve jumped from girl to girl for the majority of my life. It’s exciting and much less stressful while I try to focus on my career growth and other aspects of life.

I met a girl who was a great match for me last November. She is beautiful, has a great personality, and she is a very kindhearted person. I fell for her and it provided me with an excitement that I never felt before. But, as time went on, I started to grow tired of having sex with the same girl and my eyes began to wander.

Since the concept of a relationship was new to me, I just assumed that this was a temptation that I needed to resist to make the relationship work. But, this became more difficult over time and I decided to break it off with her. I still felt like I loved her, but I didn’t trust myself to stay faithful and I didn’t want to hurt her.

Am I just not ready to settle down? I found this girl to be a nearly perfect match, so I don’t think another girl will turn out to be any different. Is it normal to have these feelings while dating? She became more and more attached to me as time went on while I seemed to experience the opposite. Maybe it was because the challenge and excitement of the chase was no longer there.

Any advice is welcome.
[/quote]

I know 27 doesn’t feel young to you now, but one day it will. You’ll likely go through different types of relationships before you find what is right for you. Trial and error is ok. Personally, I believe that you need to go through this to come to terms with who YOU are and then find someone that wants the same. Don’t worry about settling down because you feel you need to. If that’s what’s right, you’ll get there. I married my wife at 25 and discovered at 42 how rare it is to be in love with that same woman 17 years later. I was lucky and the exception to the “rule”. Enjoy your life, date women, but be a man and be geniune. You only find find something real if you are. [/quote]
Yeah, get in where you fit in is some pretty solid advice.

I’m still young and haven’t been married that long, but I disagree. I don’t think there is any thing like a perfect person. I think many people waste a lot of time looking for it. Relationships and marriage are more about work and commitment than any specific compatibility and no amount of compatibility can remove the need to maintain your relationship.

Falling in love is great, but it’s just an emotion, and it’s shaky ground for a relationship. You most certainly can and must (if you plan to stay together) choose and work to love that person. But if you are willing to make that commitment, it has been well worth it in my experience.

[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
I’m still young and haven’t been married that long, but I disagree. I don’t think there is any thing like a perfect person. I think many people waste a lot of time looking for it. Relationships and marriage are more about work and commitment than any specific compatibility and no amount of compatibility can remove the need to maintain your relationship.

Falling in love is great, but it’s just an emotion, and it’s shaky ground for a relationship. You most certainly can and must (if you plan to stay together) choose and work to love that person. But if you are willing to make that commitment, it has been well worth it in my experience.
[/quote]

This sounds much better than all that “I love my soulmate and would never look at another woman” nonsense.

when youre too old and ugly to nail down the hot and wet young ones…

when youre out and the hot waitress changes the way she smiles at you…

I had this same problem when I was with my last girlfriend. I gritted my teeth and bore it and basically ignored the temptations (still gave them looks, though, which I had to let her know was going to happen). We ended up breaking up for other reasons, but my attitude is you’re always going to have that urge to bang every hot chick you see, regardless.

Like others have said, being in a relationship is a conscious decision you make to commit yourself to that person. That includes giving up on all those temptations. At some point, a girl will fit into your ideal and you’ll realize that you value her more than new pussy and you see her upside as being worth giving that up.

But I don’t think your basic instinctual urge will ever go away. Even when you’re an old man. So if you come across something that is of good quality, my advice is to stick with it because pussy is good, but other things in this world CAN BE better than new pussy.

And if anyone says they love their girlfriend/wife so much that they don’t get those urges any more, don’t believe them (even if it’s true, which it probably isn’t, that’s no reason for you to waste your life finding the one perfect love that will make you forget about the others, it probably won’t happen). It’s natural and not something to be ashamed of and as a man, you are strong enough to control those urges if you choose to (or in other words, if the one you’re with is worth it).

That’s my 2 cents

[quote]wswnsc wrote:
I married my wife at 25 and discovered at 42 how rare it is to be in love with that same woman 17 years later. I was lucky and the exception to the “rule”.[/quote]

I can’t respect you enough for not using your anecdotal experience to tell him the opposite of what you told him, because it’s so damn common. “Well, I met my wife when I was 21 and we’re still happy, so go for it man, it’s ok if you’re really young”. Bad advice. Some get lucky, but you should never count on getting lucky in anything in life.

[quote]wswnsc wrote:
You only find something real if you are. [/quote]

QFT, truer words couldn’t be spoken.

[quote]pushharder wrote:

Pics or GTFO.[/quote]

You sir are undermining the good name of this forum. One more shinangin and I shall be forced to duel you.

[quote]Swolegasm wrote:

[quote]pushharder wrote:

Pics or GTFO.[/quote]

You sir are undermining the good name of this forum. One more shinangin and I shall be forced to duel you.[/quote]

You are aware that he, as the one challenged, gets his choice of weapons?

Kind Sir, it will not be seen as a sign of cowardice if you do not advance this any further.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

This is an interesting one but what do you guys think of someone like Jesus as a man. He wasn’t competitive obviously and didn’t want a relationship. The reason people want relationships (apart from the social reasons) is I think to extend their sense of self to include more of what they desire and this becomes sexual. Obviously the main thing is ‘love’ which can’t be truly felt with high testosterone (at least I’m sure it is lowered a lot when love is felt). What a lot of people don’t realise is that even with low testosterone, dopamine also corrupts love… it makes your senses more narrow and more focussed on yourself instead of sensing everything and feeling the love. Love is actually inside you and other people just make you feel it sometimes when they reduce your fears. The problem is that everyone is scared of being different as soon as they lose this ‘love’. This word love is really just a feeling of connectedness to everything. If you have your basic living needs met, you should really be blissfully happy without desiring anything else. As soon as you lose the full picture, you then start needing other things to be secure. Dopamine, testosterone and cortisol (I think testosterone automatically increases this stress hormone too) all stop you feeling the love so what’s the point? You will die and may never remember what it was like and maybe that’s the whole point of life… I know the world is not about that but it makes the world seem pointless when you have love.

I know dopamine also helps you deal with stress (love will totally negate stress if it’s pure love- you won’t get attached or need anyone either) but this allows you to do things that you wouldn’t do with true love. You may feel too guilty for what you have done to go back to love and have to heal ur mind from all that guilt (even the sex you may feel guilty about as it’s totally different when power based). If you truly had to fight to survive, then obviously you would need to compete but it’s actually not necessary even in today’s world. People are just too insecure to live like that…they need approval from others and have preconceived ideas of what a man is. Wasn’t Jesus (if he existed) also a man? Can anyone really remember what it is like to be as saintly as him (at one point everyone must have felt the ‘love’ needed to understand this)? If they could they would probably stay that way.

Love reduces the fears and vice versa (oxytocin will reduce the cortisol and cortisol reduces oxytocin) and the only thing stopping you from feeling it is the fear (cortisol) you have linked to your thoughts (all negative emotions are really just that fear or stress hormone together with your thoughts)… face all the fears that are in your mind and you may still have a chance of understanding but it will make your sense of self disappear (your sense of self is really not real but just more fears and competetive thoughts as nothing is really good or bad it’s just the love will go towards life and the fear will go towards death… people have a combination of these hormones at any point in time depending on how they are thinking). Also, unlike dopamine which can get downregulated, more oxytocin receptors (which reduce ur fears) can grow the more peaceful thoughts you think and the less competetive thoughts you have… so you will find it easier and easier to feel what is actually real before society got involved and gave you repressed fears and an ego.

I haven’t read all this back to check it… I suppose lack of fear can make you lazy too ! Sorry for rambling but that’s another thing about it you don’t really care what other people think any more or whether you impress them with your writing style or if it all sounds stupid (which this probably all does to most of you)!

As a footnote…a relationship can allow you to grow together to reach this point I’m talking about…so that is probably what you should look for in a relationship… not have a power based one but a love based one as power is not real and corrupts love. All this sense of power (pleasure etc) is facing a fear which automatically turns to dopamine first (love together with fear creates dopamine) and then this lack of fear turns into love to heal as the dopamine spike reduces but testosterone I think stops this turning into love (if this is a competitive situation you are facing or even if it’s aggressive sex) and you may get addicted to this destructive dopamine linked with cortisol as all situations with fear will repeat until healed and leave guilt (guilt is just fear which is normally repressed). You should make sure the sex is not too degrading or it won’t be easy to heal due to the addictive nature of it (fear increases excitement) and could carry you on a course towards destruction. Remember all repression causes stress too to keep it subconscious so it’s not a point of not thinking about things that caused you stress, you have to face them or the memories will build and more and more guilt will occur. I suppose at the moment many of you won’t be looking for a love based one but this can happen from it still. Realise that as long as you reduce your stress levels, your dopamine receptors won’t downregulate (proportional to the fear) so you won’t get into ever increasing addictions with the downregulations as you need more and more dopamine to feel secure and have the same feeling. Oxytocin also prevents and cures all this addiction and prevents tolerance developing etc (ie lack of fear or for example not caring if you win or lose is the best way to live to have a chance and prevent total destruction before you can grow back into love). Maybe this doesn’t make sense to you at the moment as I know I’m rambling.

[quote]enlightened wrote:
(ie lack of fear or for example not caring if you win or lose is the best way to live to have a chance and prevent total destruction before you can grow back into love). Maybe this doesn’t make sense to you at the moment as I know I’m rambling. [/quote]

In todays medical science not caring is linked to depression.

[quote]Hilldog wrote:

[quote]enlightened wrote:
(ie lack of fear or for example not caring if you win or lose is the best way to live to have a chance and prevent total destruction before you can grow back into love). Maybe this doesn’t make sense to you at the moment as I know I’m rambling. [/quote]

In todays medical science not caring is linked to depression.
[/quote]

Caring is what you do naturally when you have love… it’s not a choice like people think or a way of getting love back as you don’t need it back with true love. It’s a totally different mindset where no inequality or deception can even occur and there is just peace and bliss and you realise that others are also part of you. People like this are taken advantage of by others with a lack of love or even just higher dopamine levels in the mid brain (it’s only when the ‘predator’ sees that person as an equal or better and the predator is shown love in an inferior position that they feel guilty about it and for a small moment see everyone as equal). All competitive behaviour that involves fear (i’m no expert on this but testosterone is involved) can be healed by feeling the pain without any thoughts (the dopamine levels must lower first as dopamine will numb the stress so you may not feel it) and then eventually the love is felt and this can turn all fearful and negative memories into positive ones. Until these are healed, they keep repeating in real life in related situations that allow the feelings to resurface until healed (even the urge for sex that isn’t purely about love is due to subconscious guilt- if you think about it sex is mostly in your head and doesn’t really make sense from a rational viewpoint- it implies destruction and the need to reproduce if you are to survive in the future). In an extreme example, borderline personality disorder (around 2% of the population) will continually repeat abandonment fears from early childhood and need constant rescuing until they heal the enormous pain (until they do that they will distort reality so much when such feelings resurface and actually believe their lies). Obviously it’s a lot more shades of grey and not so black and white as your thoughts and feelings change every moment… but basically you will end up being taken advantage of many times if they perceive you as less than them and show fear or if you have true love you will get in trouble if you keep coming back to them (they will fight against and be fearful of the truth) and it could get serious. They won’t understand you would never retaliate and will get scared of you as they can never win if you don’t compete. Their fear actually makes you stronger when you have true love as it turns into dopamine in ur mid brain whereas most people either lose dopamine and get scared or they fight fear to get the dopamine (it is taught in society you have to fight) but if you have true love you will automatically get stronger (more dopamine) but with compassion and no fear and automatically face the fear and hate from others. You end up having to back away from people who don’t like you (you will have the urge to keep trying to show them the truth) or end up being hated or worse as they don’t want to face their fears.

It’s just most people with low dopamine also have fears and therefore not enough love but a lot of the time (especially when they are younger) it’s because they don’t understand how others can lie and take advantage of them. All these different levels of consciousnesses seem normal and correct and sometimes this stops them understanding other people with different levels of these hormones and different fears.

When I mentioned not caring if you win or lose, I was talking about not caring about the outcome but still believing in it but having no fear (you don’t have to think or do anything to believe, it comes from outside your mind). This will stop your dopamine receptors downregulating and maybe even give you a better chance. In reality you shoudn’t really need to compete. You will take advantage of people you sense have lower dopamine or testosterone levels because you won’t understand them properly and see them as weaker when maybe they are not competing in the same ways if at all but a lot of this is subconscious due to society- I think this competitiveness only involves testosterone when fear comes into the equation. This is normally subconscious since society makes it hard to admit to all this…in the extremes of both high dopamine and high cortisol then the world looks very dark and dangerous or full of weak people to be used but this is simply due to the fears. Society tends to make people split things into ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but there is no such thing as good or evil… one is just towards life and the ‘bad’ just goes towards destruction but everyone will be doing that at moments throughout every day with every fearful thought they have or every loving memory…psychos just have so much repressed pain and despair (and lack the ability to reduce this) that they only see the extreme of having zero love so they think they are the strongest when really they are the weakest and going towards destruction but really everyone is going towards destruction but some are more slow than others… Without love everything looks very bleak but most people do this in society when they blame someone or hate someone…they see things from an extreme perspective but it’s just an erroneous belief and not the true picture but to them it seems normal (for example they are blind to the negative behaviours of people they like and are attached to because the love or power they attach to them makes their behaviours less fearful- it’s basically all to do with your thinking and the hormone levels perceived etc of everyone in the thoughts). Society makes you repress a lot of fears and gives you unconscious guilt which makes you have to follow society to feel secure.

There are other people who believe in the rational world (numbers, chemistry etc) and this again seems very real to them but they don’t see how their fears cloud their judgments and behaviour. They basically reject irrational thoughts and need solid reasons for behaviours and experiences when things are a lot more complicated than that. They don’t realise a lot of their thoughts are socially constructed. When the scientists feel that eureka moment it’s a lack of fear causing them to feel love (the connectedness) or lack of ego when feeling small (for example looking into the night sky full of stars) but to them they still think they know the truth due to their great understanding of the rational world but they don’t understand the full picture either or realise how their experience is clouded by their own subconscious fears.

You get back on those meds right now, mister!