[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
No fault divorce makes it a moot point about who cheat’s first, so who gives a fuck? [/quote]
I would think any man that lives his life by a certain set of principles, a code if you will, would care. [/quote]
I agree, and I say that as someone who has confronted the question of a sexless marriage WITH a spouse who’d cheated, presumably in an effort to find a way to excite himself. Ultimately the conclusion I came to was that my own standards of behavior would not be met if I went outside the marriage. I did not think it was enough reason to blow up a family, so resolved to accept the status quo.
Ultimately the marriage ended anyway. We were separated for four months before we officially called it quits and I don’t think it was even two months after the decision that I had my first-ever fling. I feel very comfortable with my behavior - there was no betrayal involved as far as I’m concerned, though I’m sure he wasn’t thrilled. I felt and still feel that I’d spent long enough locked in a tower by myself and nothing was served by my waiting.
He struggles with the same problem post-divorce. He moved to Taiwan to be with a woman and that crashed and burned, too, with sex again an issue. I am inclined to believe that marriages that become sexless for more than a brief time (let’s say six months barring illness, a libido-suppressing drug, or a string of pregnancies) are going to stay that way. Something is wrong with one of the partners or the match is not a good one.
But back to ethical behavior - AC, I’m surprised at you. What happened to honesty?[/quote]
I would never lie about it. But I would certainly be discreet. I stated up there already that I wouldn’t lie about it…
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Isn’t that just a lie of omission? [/quote]
No… There’s no such think as “lie of omission”. A “LIE” is when someone asks you something or you volunteer something that is not true. You cannot, by definition, “LIE” by not saying anything.
Again, back to the situation at hand, if a woman (or a man) is so selfish that they won’t meet the sexual needs of their spouse, then why do they deserve to be given ammunition that could be used against the deprived spouse? The whole situation could be avoided if the woman would come correct with the pussy to her man…[/quote]
AC, I’m sorry to rekindle this mess, but you DID say you would feel justified in omitting that you’d begun cheating, though as I read the thread while catching up, many of the responses were to the question in general and not to you.
[/quote]I don’t think I was very clear (obviously). The not volunteering anything statement I made was intended to be about the DISCRETION piece. As in AFTER you’ve had a conversation with your spouse. I think I repeatedly said one shouldn’t lie. And I also said one should be discreet. I’m pretty sure I just wrote that in a hurry, because I sure knew what I meant, but evidently it was not obvious.[quote]
I don’t think anyone who’s followed your posts for any length of time would call you a bad guy, particularly as honesty is concerned. For myself I was surprised by your stance because I do see you as honest and up-front about your plans. This seemed a departure from what I see as your norm.
All of that aside as it’s now been argued to death, and considering Lanky’s post instead (I think it was Lanky), I would question whether you’ve had much in the way of emotional intimacy with the women you’ve been with. [/quote]I’ve been very emotionally available with the women I’ve cared about. But I also have firm boundaries that I’m not willing to compromise on (basically, if I catch someone lying to me, it’s over). That ends up being an issue sooner or later. I don’t really say a lot about myself when I meet someone, but what I DO choose to share is the truth. That’s a difficult concept for some people. [quote]
I know you’re very open about your life and your past, but I wonder if you’re seeking out partners who are keeping their emotional distance so you can maintain your inner guard.
I only ask because that’s what I sought in a partner at age 23, and I’m only recently understanding how little intimacy we had. Really, none. He had no idea who I was, even after I lowered and then eliminated my guard. Nor did I really know him.
Just something for you to ponder, not meant as an attack. Personally I want a relationship like Lanky’s (assuming it was Lanky, lol). I wonder if that’s your final hurdle, as it has been mine? No one who met me when I was younger would EVER think I was closed off or guarded but I was, very. I was entirely self-reliant emotionally and very closed about my past. My puppy-dog friendly, cheerful, open demeanor was just another defense. [/quote]
I don’t think I let very many people in, but that’s not saying it hasn’t happened. I think I just let it happen with the wrong people. But it’s not something that I “won’t do” anymore…