T Nation

What would you do?

I have loaned women substantial amounts of money four times in my life. Two times I had not been sleeping with the woman; those two times I got paid back with no hassles.


Two times it was to a girlfriend or ex-wife, and those two times turned out very badly indeed. Once I finally had to file small claims papers to get repaid, the other I only saw half the money returned after ten years had gone by. (No lie. Ten years.)


I hate to say it, and I mean no disrespect to any of the women who post here, but I honestly believe that if a woman has slept with you, in her mind there’s something there that says, “He owes me something.” This had been my experience, and the experience of several of my friends. Older and wiser now, I will not make this mistake again.


I totally understand where you’re coming from. Trust me, you will not be able to let this go emotionally, so you should do something about it. Talk to her parents, threaten small claims. Tell your ex (very dispassionately) that you’re not going to take an $800 kick in the nuts and that if she doesn’t cough up the rest of the money you WILL file. Give her a deadline. If she gets all “I can’t believe that you’re making a big deal out of this” on you, just shrug and tell her you can’t afford to lose the $800. Don’t get angry, don’t let your emotions into it. Just tell her. Act like you simply don’t have any choice.

The principle of the thing demands that you be repaid. Good luck man.

Alright, since all these folks think you should sue sweetie for the $ back, before you file think about:

  1. As Plaintiff the burden of proof is on you. What evidence can you offer in Court that this “loan” was actually made? Is there a note or any kind of written agreement? If not and sweetie says to the judge\jury that the two of you shared everything, never discussed repayment, and this was a gift how do you refute it?
  2. She is certainly going to counterclaim for the TV, Stereo, bedroom suite etc. ( as you were together a couple of years I’m sure she can lay claim to something in your possesion). I can assure you a jury\judge is not gonna be terribly interested in protecting you from a situation you created, in which you neglected to protect your interests, and look vindictive coming back down the road.
  3. There will be a fee to file the action, probably minimal, but then you have to get the paper served, your farther in the hole $wise.
  4. There is time involved in the whole deal, is it really a good idea to expend it on this negativity?
  5. Are you gonna hire a lawyer? economically doesn’t make sense I suspect, but if you really want to win it is a bad idea to go to Court unreprensented and expect to just stumble across justice.
  6. Suppose you win (doubtful, cause I suspect the finder of fact will simply decide the matter is simply a swearing contest and how the fuck can we decide who to believe) but say you win…you get a judgement for $800 plus maybe another 100 out of pocket. The Court doesn't order her to pay and threaten to lock her up if she doesn't. Remember we don't have debtors prisons. A Judgement is just a legally recognized debt. Sure you can now go record your judgement (more of a pain in the ass) and listen to her tell you in the hallway "fuck you I will never pay". You can't take what ain't there, and I suspect she has no assetts -- she needed just to pay bills, and was moving in with you not vice versa. I hve a friend who has his office bathroom wallpapered with a couple of million dollars in judgements ( all uncollectable and worthless).
  7. The court experience is likely to be tawdry and demeaning as you trot out your boyfriend\girlfriend stuff for a captive audience who don’t give a shit.
  8. You got the pussy…(you did get the pussy right?)

I totally agree with char-dawg. I would handle it as unemotionally and business-like as possible. Also, I would handle it quickly with a short deadline (like a week or 2). You need this person out of your life as quickly as possible as it is obviously causing you heartache and is still an unhealthy situation for you. Also, as char said, you do not need to take another kick in the nuts from someone who has caused enough pain. Get it over with quickly, be done with it (and her) and move on. I believe you will feel better by not taking any more shit from this person as in my opinion , from what you have stated, she was in the wrong and possibly seeing someone else while she was with you. The $800 is the least you deserve and the best closure you can get at this point.

Personally I would forget about it, and never loan out any money again. As many have said, loaning money creates more problems than it helps. Once you give it out, you have to be ready to never see it again. You could take her to small claims but personally I think the time and energy that you expend to get it back is worth more than what you would get in return. I think there is alot more emotional fallout still lingering with this relationship and the more contact you have with her (and this other guy) the harder it is going to be to deal with it.


A better solution would be to head to a counselor who can steer you in the right direction. You still aren’t over her and the thoughts of this other dude are rubbing salt in your wounds. Just remember that getting that money back isn’t going to make your pain go away. You aren’t a weak person for talking with a pro who can help you help yourself.

Okay, so I’m a lawyer, too. Tinman has it exactly right on all points. Learn from the experience, forget about the money, and move on.

Get your money back! If she refuses to pay, take her ass to small claims court. Just make sure you have paperwork or stuff in writing to help your case. And chalk this up as a learning experience to never lend anyone money again. Trust me, I have made this mistake too. And I will never give anyone money for any reason unless I know for sure they are paying me back the next day. And if not, they are doomed to feeling the wrath of the Dogg!

The principle is that you need to let it and her go. $800 is just $800. How much is your time worth? Taking her to court, trashing her car, dealing with her rationally and all that is extending the inevitable…no more sweetie and no more money.

Suck it up and get on with your life. Don’t lend out money and expect it to be repaid. Just an ugly fact of life that people don’t repay. Hell with the millions of people filing for bankruptcy it just shows that people don’t pay creditors so how much less will they pay a broken hearted exboyfriend.

Drop it and move on. Croooz

There have been a lot of good replies so far. I agree with those telling you to let it go. You have now found out why interest rates exist, in part. Part of loaning somebody money, no matter who it is, is taking a chance that you might not get repaid. Bill Gates could make a verbal agreement with you in a coffee shop for you to loan him a buck to buy him a drink, but if he walks out and is hit by a bus, you won’t see a cent of it. People can also choose not to pay you back, especially if there is no written agreement. Even if there is one, there is still risk, as pointed out by tinman. As others have said before, if you loan money, make sure you can live without it being repaid.

Since you can survive without the $800, move on. As others have pointed out, it's your excuse to have an attachment to someone that you're not fully over. Also, this shows her character. Remember that. Know that you are better than she is.

Here’s my 2 cents: Take her to small claims: 1) She needs to be held accountable. The posts that tell you to just “drop it” overlook the fact that it will do her more good if she is held accountable for her actions. It will be a learning experience for her. 2) You are owed this money and in the interest of justice (not selfishness or revenge), you are entitled to this money. 3) You should be proactive and go after what is yours–that’s one of the reasons that we have the judicial system we do in this country–to give you legal recourse to claim what is rightfully yours. If you wanna get a lil revenge while you do this, show up in court with a hotbabe on your arm–far hotter than your ex was/is; have her lavish you with all kinds of affection and attention. Rent an escort if you have to. Good luck.

Set her house on fire, or her car.

It is really easy to do, and no one will ever know.

sue for the money. there’s nothing there so you have nothing to lose.

I cant see what the problem is, she had no problem borrowing the money from you,if she doesnt have the money now surely she can get that off her new fiance to pay you back - dont let her screw you! Take a stand, I’ve done something similar in the past (small claims court) and boy it made me feel better!

What Would Ricky Inglesias Do?

Everybody missed one important fact. The girl obviously has a serious drug problem. You will never see the money again.


You loan her $1000 for rent and bills? Where is her money going? How did she get into that mess? A drug habit. She wanted to move in with you so she didn’t have any expenses and could buy her drugs. Her second thoughts were because she didn’t want you to find out about her habit. And she is engaged to a new guy whom she has probably done drugs with in the past, and he’s able to support both their habits, at least for a while. Druggies tend to pair off that way, after all, they have something in common.


This is really a very common scenario. You need to walk away as she destroys her life. Don’t let her drag you down; there’s no reasoning with addicts.

Step-by-step instructions:

  1. Talk to MBE on how to act like a lunatic.
  2. Kill the bitch.
  3. Go to trial, plead insanity.
  4. Hit the gym.