T Nation

What Would Jesus Do?


With Nas' Hip Hop is Dead instrumental tapping out in my headphones, I just finished a set of 12 reps using 8 plates on each side of the squat machine and was resting up for the next one. This moment is when one rather chubby long lasting New Year's resolutioner decided to pop into view right in front of me as I was sitting on a nearby bench resting up.

I wasn't aware that they lasted this long, but apparently something is keeping them around at least a whole month past usual fallout.

Chubs looked at me, looked at the weight stack, and in one brilliant instance where he had a choice of it being a "good idea" or a "bad idea", he chose "bad", jumped in the squat machine with a "I bet I can do that!" attitude, and proceeded to do .23" knee bends for three whole "reps" before he collapsed under the weight of it all lying him and the weights right on the floor.

Mind you, I was tired from having down two other exercises for legs before this and leg day has to be one of my most serious as far as mental state...yet here I am faced with having to unload all of these weights, put the machine back on the rack, and then put all of the weight back on AND THEN do my next set all because Chubs wanted to play.

So I will pause the scene there and ask....what would Jesus do?


10 plates per side.


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Jesus would remember to film it next time!


Die for your sins?


Tap into Jesus's younger years, where he probably wasn't yet "touched". After making chubs feel wholly inadequate, you make him put everything right with the machine. Then reiterate his unworthiness, thus making him leave the gym forever.


Eat their brains, probably.


Be a naughty boy.




He would do what he did best. He would Teach


Question his fathers work


Jesus comes to a group of Pharisees who are surrounding a woman. As he approaches, one of them asks Jesus "Rabbi, we found this woman sleeping with a man who is not her husband, should she be stoned to death, in accordance with Moses' Law?" Jesus replies, "Let the one who is without sin throw the first stone." A giant boulder falls from the sky and crushes the woman instantly. Jesus looks up at the sky, and yells "C'mon Dad, I was trying to make a point here!"


Lol, it sounds like he was probably repping 5 pps on the leg press and thought this would be a nice test of strength?


Looking back, I now find it fucking hilarious because I had removed the safety pin before I started so I could go as low as possible....so when he lost control of the weight, he damn near killed himself.

What is making this new crowd so much dumber than years past? I had one idiot that I wrote about before who took one 45lbs plate off of the HS chest press machine WHILE I WAS ON IT because he thought it was a weight tree for everybody.


Jesus might say something like, "When you approached the weight, I wasn't quite sure which weighed more, the 8 plates or your ego. But now, I see both of you laying on floor in a hot mess, and determined both weigh the same amount."


Jesus would bulk


Jesus would have pitied the fool.

No, wait-- that's what Mr. T would do.

Jesus would have healed the guy's crushed body while eating his PWO bread and fish.


He probably wouldn't have let him squat the weight


Jesus would move Easter till after April 15th, so I didn't have to spend my one day off, lifting earlier than I want to, just to spend my afternoon with my inlaws... IN A FUCkING TIE! Fuck that noise, I'm wearing sweatpants this year, and white socks... I'll deal with my wife bitching at me.

Wait, what were we talking about?


Just let him die then bring him back to life after your workout.