T Nation

What to Know About Texas

Rules For Entering Texas

These apply to every person as they enter Texas. Learn �??em & �??member�??em. East Coast and California-types should pay particular attention!

  1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

  2. Let�??s get this straight; it�??s called a “gravel road,” I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you�??re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get the hell out of the way.

  3. Those are cattle & oil wells. That�??s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. You don�??t like it? I-20 And I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

  4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We�??re impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.

  5. So what if every person in every pickup waves. It�??s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

  6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don�??t have it up to your ear at the time.

  7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi &
    caviar? It�??s available at the corner bait shop.

  8. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It�??s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

  9. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone, regardless of age.

  10. No, there�??s no “vegetarian special” on the menu. Order a steak. Or order the Chef�??s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &turkey.

  11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper and green chili. Oh, yeah … We don�??t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat… It AIN�??T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio…and real chili never met a tomato!

  12. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck and have pretty long hair.

  13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

  14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don�??t hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

  15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an
    education, plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

  16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines and Air Force than any other state, so “Don�??t Mess with Texas.” If you do, you will get your butt whipped by the best.

  17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said: “Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can�??t make it without Texas.”

  18. By the way, the boys that captured So-Damn Insane (Hussein) were from…Yep! You guessed it~~“The Great State of Texas.”

This just in from Texas…

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
This just in from Texas…

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women�??s breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him. [/quote]

We never did like that son of a bitch.

Weird Texas Laws

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.

It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don�??t need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.

You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.

A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

It is illegal to milk another person�??s cow.

Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.

Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.

Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.

Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

El Paso
Churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons “of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them.”

Houston
Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.

It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

Galveston
It is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays.

Jasper
Dogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars.

LeFors
It is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing.

Lubbock County
It is illegal to drive within an arm�??s length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else�??s blood stream.

Mesquite
It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Port Arthur
Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

Richardson
It is now illegal to place a “for sale” sign on a car if it visible from the street.

It is illegal to do “U Turns”.

San Antonio
It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.

It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.

Temple
No one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square.

You can ride your horse in the saloon.

Cattle thieves may be hanged on the spot.

Texarkana
Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.

USEFUL ADVICE TO YANKEES

  1. Don�??t expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It�??s a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they�??ll kick your ass.

  2. Don�??t laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.

  3. Don�??t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it�??s called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it�??s Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it�??s still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

  4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don�??t refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we�??ll kick your ass.

  5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Ann Richards) . However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin�??.

  6. Don�??t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you�??d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we�??ll kick your ass.

  7. We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the humidity is, so shutup about it. If you can�??t stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we�??ll kick your ass.

  8. Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you�??re a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.

  9. Don�??t talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don�??t like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home-before we kick it.

  10. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don�??t want to sound like you. We don�??t care if you don�??t understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that�??s all that matters. Now, go away, or we�??ll kick your ass.

  11. Don�??t complain that certain areas of this state smells of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you�??d soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we�??ll kick your ass all the way
    back to Pittsburgh, PA.

  12. Don�??t ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma�??am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they�??ll kick your ass-just like they did ours.

  13. Don�??t think we�??re quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we�??ll kick your ass.

  14. DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box-minus your ass.

  15. Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.

[quote]Professor X wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
This just in from Texas…

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women�??s breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him.

We never did like that son of a bitch.[/quote]

He’s a fucking Aggie - that says all you need to know.

Is there a theme to that last one? Cause I’m picking up on a distinct theme.

Something about chilli?

I thought chili had beans and tomato paste in it… but I’m from California

You are a Texan if:

  1. It doesn�??t bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

  2. You use the phrase “fixin�?? to” almost daily.

  3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

  4. You�??ve ever been excused from school because “the cows got out.”

  5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.

  6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn�??t mean farm animals.

  7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

  8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother�??s birthday.

  9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

  10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

  11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

  12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.

  13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.

  14. Your “place at the lake” has wheels under it.

  15. You aren�??t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

  16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.

17 . You know that everything goes better with Ranch.

18 . You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

  1. You know that “y�??all” is singular and “all y�??all” is plural.

20 . You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:
“You wanna Coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”

If your chili resembles anything similar to Wolfe Brand Chili, you have no clue about chili.

Google “Terlingua Chili Cook-Off”

[quote]rainjack wrote:
If your chili resembles anything similar to Wolfe Brand Chili, you have no clue about chili.

Google “Terlingua Chili Cook-Off”[/quote]

I buy Stagg or Hormel, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen Wolfe Brand Chili.

a chili recipe thread might not be a bad thing.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
20 . You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation:
“You wanna Coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”
[/quote]

Why is this strange to people? I have a sister-in-law from Iowa, and she just can’t grasp the concept that all carbonated drinks are cokes.

If Jesus was a Texan

If Jesus Were A Redneck…

He’d have brought a fishing pole with him when he walked on water.

His last words on the cross would have been, “Hey, Paul, I kin see my house from up here.”

He’d be famous for turning water into beer.

The prayer for the Passover meal would have been, “Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat.”

His front yard would have been littered with broken down mule carts.

Instead of a grail, King Arthur would been searching for the Holy Beer Mug.

He would have cured blindness by yelling, “Yer healed” and slapping them on the forehead.

The disciples would have included Billy Bob, Scooter, and Bubba.

Sex, drinking, and dancing would clearly have been declared not sinful.

Instead of a fish, the symbol for Jesus would be a fishing lure.

A Jedi Knight Might Be a Redneck If…

if he uses his light saber to cut the bottlecap off a beer

if he says “these are not the beers you’re looking for”

if that “Disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans and spare ribs

if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside

if he calls his young apprentice, “Juner(JR)”

if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up

if the Force isn’t the only thing that runs in the family

if he calls Hank Williams Jr. “Master”

if his landspeeder has a gun rack

if he meditiates to old CCR records

if he calls Yoda his Li’l green buddy.

if he has ever said, “Anger… fear…aggression… Yankees…the dark side are they.”

if his X-Wing has a still in it

if his light saber has a beer can crusher in the base

if there is more oil on his robes than in his astromech droid

if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them

if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock

if he has ever used a light saber to light the barbecue grill

if he uses Jawas for a drink holder

if he fights with a light saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other

if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck

if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD

if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth

if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.

if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored

if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored

if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets

if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling

if his father ever said to him, “Shoot, son, come on over t’ the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

if he’s ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light

if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery

if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an “Ugly” contest

if his father’s name is Garth Vader

if he got his light saber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids

if he�??s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister

if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs

if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power

if he’s ever used a light saber to skin a deer

You Know You’re From Texas If:

  1. You measure distance in hours. (like Lubbock is 8 hours from Houston - who knows how many miles it is)

  2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

  3. Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.

  4. Stores don’t have shopping carts; they have buggies.

  5. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

  6. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

  7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

  8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

  9. You carry jumper cables in your car …for your OWN car.

  10. You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” are.

  11. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

  12. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

  13. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

  14. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.(high school football is of utmost importance)

  15. You think that the first day of deer, duck, dove, or quail season are State holidays.

  16. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

  17. You find 90 degrees F “a little warm.”

  18. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.

  19. You know whether another Texan is from southern, middle, or northern Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

  20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

  21. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as “goin wal-martin” or off to “Wally World.”

  22. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

  23. A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola, or pop … it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

Wifely Duties

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and dinner cooked.

The second man had married a woman from Nebraska He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal… He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
Weird Texas Laws

Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.
[/quote]

All these quips about Texas and nothing about Iced Tea? I’m pretty sure all Texans are weened off the tit with ice cold Sweet Tea.

And chili aint never come in cans no matter what the label may read.

I think I’ve had sweet tea but it was in North Carolina

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other, “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister.”

“Well” his buddy replied, “between you and me we got’em all.”