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What Is My Body Flatulence %?

I am a gassy person by nature… but some foods more than others give me excellent gas. I would say my bodyflatulence % is about 66%. I get gas from about 2/3 of the foods I eat. Does anybody know exactly how to measure my flatulence % because I’m trying to gain muscle and lose fat.

I’m afraid the energy it takes me to
“flatulate” is eating up my calories to build muscle and burn fat… and I’m not going to get the “ripped look”.

I personally like to go to the gym when I know my gas is going to be erupting… it clears out the squat rack curl guys and the guys using the bench press station to do kickbacks.

My top 3 foods are:
1- artificial crab meat; it’s actually fish(Alaskan Pollock)… this stuff has some serious hang time, 20-30 minutes per pound.

2- regular chicken eggs… sunny side up seems to be the best for leaving that real raunchy smell near the dumbbell rack.

3- pizza… not as good as the top two… but is a sure thing every slice, it will definitly leave the power rack clear for a good 10-15 feet.

Your body flatulence number is based on VOLUME and LENGTH in time it takes to fart. At both ends of the scale is 100%. That means a loud fart that echoes and possibly vibrates the furniture is 100 on the volume scale. One that lasts over 15 seconds is a 100 on the length scale.

Now, this is where it gets tricky. You get extra points for ‘silent and deadly’. That’s like a 103%. If you take the average of ‘volume’, ‘length’ and the number of time you fart (the average human farts 15 times a day so that is only 50%…30 times a day is 100%), THAT is what gives you your flatulence number.

Good Luck.

Best Thread Ever.

Thanks for the equasion Professor. I will have to recalculate. I think my bodyflatulence % is higher than I originally thought. I carry alot of the silent but deadly kind. I guess I have good genetics. I can eat anything I want and get pretty good stingers there… and excellent hang time.

I don’t see your shoe. We can’t calculate %'s without a shoe.

[quote]TrainerinDC wrote:
I don’t see your shoe. We can’t calculate %'s without a shoe. [/quote]

O.K. here is one of my shoes. This should do it. I think i will finally know my “body flatulence %”. I hope its good enough to get people to pay me compliments because my gas is so ripped.

I think you may have a “gas trick” problem.

While hand timing may be adequate for the time component, you’re going to need one of those devices used with cattle by climate researchers to accurately measure volume.

If you want a cheaper way, you might consider using a colostomy bag of known capacity and emptying it every time it fills completely. Of course if it fills completely mid-emission then you will disrupt your time and frequency measurements. Though cheaper than the more professional tube with an airflow measuring device attached, the bag method might prove to be too much of a pain in the ass to be worth while. Figuratively speaking, of course.

Ahhh…judging from your boot I have reached two conclusions: first, you are a purely functional flatulance factory and I would therefore recommend a pre-workout shake of 1 onion, 2 oz of blue cheese, the juice from three cans of beans, and three scoops of the cheapest protein powder you can find blended and taken about 30 minutes before your workout to start, until you find the optimal time when your gastric system begins to feel like a pool of bubbling mud, and begin your workout with a good set of squats, starting with close stance and working out to the power launcher width -

blammo!; second, you are perhaps a Tom of Finland lifter, with the boots, checked shirt with cut of sleeves, and tight denim cut off shorts, which leads me to suspect that perhaps you lack the tight gluteal control necessary to extract the most from your efforts, and therefore recommend a program of glute graspers - the squatting and gripping of a plate betwixt your buttocks, hoisting it, and holding for time (it has been reported that Mr. Coleman is able to clench two hundred pounds for one minute, which explains his ability to actually fart out- “Light Weight, Baby” much as a school boy can belch the alphabet).

This program should have you actually increase your flatulent power, while decreasing the percentage, and leave you a lean, mean, gaseous machine.

[quote]wenzi wrote:
I would therefore recommend a pre-workout shake of 1 onion, 2 oz of blue cheese, the juice from three cans of beans, and three scoops of the cheapest protein powder you can find blended and taken about 30 minutes before your workout to start
[/quote]

Damn, I farted just reading that. Blue cheese and brocolli really tears me up, that stuff lingers like morning fog.

Damn you, wenzi! I think I just coughed up a piece of pork! That shit was funny!

This thread gets a smiley face and two golden stars.

The power went out in my apartment complex last night, so my alarm clock failed. Luckily, I woke myself with rip-roarin’ fartin’ at 7AM so I could get to class on time.

This was due to the nachos I ate at Applebee’s yesterday. Nature’s alarm clock.

-Dan

[quote]Go heavy fool wrote:
I am a gassy person by nature… [/quote]

Nah, You’re just an old fart, like me…


Skip the shoe. This is a much better barometer.

[quote]Professor X wrote:
Your body flatulence number is based on VOLUME and LENGTH in time it takes to fart. At both ends of the scale is 100%. That means a loud fart that echoes and possibly vibrates the furniture is 100 on the volume scale. One that lasts over 15 seconds is a 100 on the length scale.

Now, this is where it gets tricky. You get extra points for ‘silent and deadly’. That’s like a 103%. If you take the average of ‘volume’, ‘length’ and the number of time you fart (the average human farts 15 times a day so that is only 50%…30 times a day is 100%), THAT is what gives you your flatulence number.

Good Luck.[/quote]

Damn, Prof is a fart expert. I’m gaining so much knowledge from these boards. I luv this place!

[quote]TrainerinDC wrote:
I don’t see your shoe. We can’t calculate %'s without a shoe. [/quote]

I’m pretty sure he’s going to need to stick the shoe in his ass for a proper measurement in this case.
I’ve always measured my flatulence on the Richter scale. Have I been wrong this whole time?

[quote]Skuebb wrote:

I’ve always measured my flatulence on the Richter scale. Have I been wrong this whole time?[/quote]

Yes. The Richter scale is held over for obese people who appear on Jerry Springer trapped in bed. When used on people of more average “girth”, the numbers can be waaaay off. You just might be a lightweight in the flatulence department when you thought you were a heavy.

I dont mean to question prof X, as I agree with his scoring system. I would like to add you get about 50 extra points it its warm and you feel it float up past your balls while you’re sitting.

[quote]Professor X wrote:

Yes. The Richter scale is held over for obese people who appear on Jerry Springer trapped in bed. When used on people of more average “girth”, the numbers can be waaaay off. You just might be a lightweight in the flatulence department when you thought you were a heavy. [/quote]

This is very disappointing to learn, as I now have to readjust my diet. Lunch today: bean and broccoli casserole, White Castle burgers, cheap beer. Any other suggestions?

[quote]BADASS MENTALITY wrote:
Professor X wrote:
Your body flatulence number is based on VOLUME and LENGTH in time it takes to fart. At both ends of the scale is 100%. That means a loud fart that echoes and possibly vibrates the furniture is 100 on the volume scale. One that lasts over 15 seconds is a 100 on the length scale.

Now, this is where it gets tricky. You get extra points for ‘silent and deadly’. That’s like a 103%. If you take the average of ‘volume’, ‘length’ and the number of time you fart (the average human farts 15 times a day so that is only 50%…30 times a day is 100%), THAT is what gives you your flatulence number.

Good Luck.

Damn, Prof is a fart expert. I’m gaining so much knowledge from these boards. I luv this place!

[/quote]

Well, he oughta be. He is the Dept of the Army’s flatulence expert. He doesn’t let on about this, but he conducts top secret testing at the Edgewood Area of Aberdeen Proving Grounds (behind the fence, of course) to determine the gas impact on the use of MREs over extended periods of time.

As you might expect, the military is very interested in the gaseousness of certain foods for different reasons such as, noise discipline in a tactical environment or the potential for non-lethal crowd control via the use of elite rapid-response farting units.

DB