T Nation

what is cheating?

I don’t post very often, mostly just lurk, but I’ve got a bit of a problem that I’m hoping so of y’all can help me out with. I’m in this relationship with an absolutely wonderful girl (a true t-vixen, lifts weights, plays rugby, etc) and we’ve been dating for a little more than a year. Well, the other night I was pretty drunk and I hooked up with a classmate of mine in a bar. We just kissed, I could have gone home with her but didn’t because of my girlfriend. (Too bad I didn’t think about that before I kissed her in the first place.) So I guess my question is, does this count as cheating?

I’ve already told my girlfriend and she’s pretty mad at me. Mad enough that I’m not sure we’re going to make it. Any advice from others that have been in this situation would be greatly appreciated as I try and repair the damage that I’ve done. Thanks.

Burt

A polite kiss isn’t cheating but porno style kissING is. IMO

I knew a guy that was totally destroyed because his girlfriend got drunk and french kissed some guy at a frat party. My first question was “how far did you guys go before that?” As I’d guessed, he said that they’d just progressed to kissing recently (hey, I’m an RA, they pay me to know these things). So really, I think that it’s relative to how far your relationship has progressed both emotionally and physically. At the same time, I think your girlfriend will probably get over it if it were just an attraction thing and not an emotional involvement thing.

Don`t blame it on the booze bro, it never works. Go up to your girl and tell her that you forgot to mention the important fact that the girl kissed you and you were too shocked to do anything. That is kind of a mediocre excuse but that is just off the top of my head. You could always apologize and give her something that really shows your feelings for her.

Poor guy! I am so sorry you are having such a hard time! It really shouldnt be that way, oh, the injustice of it all!

Well, enough of my patented sarcasm for now. Let us review the situation:

1.You kissed a classmate (meaning you WILL see more of her in the future, no way of avoiding it)
2.You told your present girlfriend about it.

Stupid. NEVER admit anything. Just sets you up for disaster. You could have continued seeing them both, one at school, the other at the gym or wherever. But NO. You had to be a bleeding heart and spill your guts.

OK, as for repairs… You need to have a long boring conversation with your vixen, try and include phrases like:
-She meant nothing to me
-You know I love ONLY you
-I was drunk and what I did was stupid
-I will make it up to you
-Just give me a second chance
-Never again
-etc

Under no curcumstances say:
-Come on, it was just a kiss
It s only gonna make her madder.

Just suck up and act remorseful for a while, and she will stop turning you the cold shoulder. Be extra nice, give flowers, make dinners, make sure she comes first, just like the time you were trying to impress her. It s magic, I tell you.
In the unlikely case that fails, just turn to whats-her-name from your class.
Oh, and I made up a nick name for you: Blurt-Burt. :slight_smile:

Burt. Burt. Burt. Burnt… Rookie, are you around? Help me out here. When you have a moment of weakness and cheat on your GF, you never, NEVER tell her. It was just as bad as her catching you in the act. You fucked up in a moment of weakness, and to clear your conscience, you decided to tell your GF. You’re done. Even if she “forgives” you, she will never completely trust you again.

Yes, that definitely is cheating, and I think you agree too, or you wouldn’t ask. Question now is, what are you going to do about it? What does your gf expect or want from you now? Do you want to “make it” with this girl? If so, talk to her friends (if you know any of them), and find out how to “win” her back, how to get on her good side again, and most important, how to convince her that you might be worth trusting again. After all, you’ve just broken the number one issue in all relationships–TRUST. So, of course she’s mad at you. Wouldn’t you be?! Which then brings me to one more burning question–Why is it that all drunk men think only with their dicks?

It’s cheating if you would be hurt if she did the same thing.

This is cheating in my opinion. Is it as bad as sleeping with someone else? No. But it could be the beginning of something more serious. Cheating can actually begin with simple flirting…and letting it go further. Flirting is fun, but once it’s taken beyond innocent flirting, it is the beginning of cheating. Using alcohol as an excuse is something I see all the time. It’s a poor excuse. And you’re in a situation to see this girl more often. So you’re girlfriend has every reason to be angry. But depending on how the both of you handle the situation, you could work this out. But you have now destroyed the trust. So it could take time to earn it back. It comes down to whether you want to work this out or just end it.

Yep, you cheated. But I suspect you already know this. Hey nephorm, where are you an RA at? I was a Resident Asshole myself, years ago.

Thanks for all the responses. I care quite a lot about this girl so I’m going to try and work it out with her. Not telling her was never an option; I would rather have no relationship with her at all than have one that I know isn’t based on honesty. If I didn’t care about her then maybe not telling would have been an option but I do so it wasn’t. Again, thanks for all the responses.

I think it took some courage to actually tell your girlfriend that you cheated (and yes you definitely did), or was it a matter that you knew she would find out anyway? Whatever. If you honestly want this relationship to mend you are going to have to do some major repair here and I don’t think gifts are necessarily the way to go. You broke her trust in you and no amount of flowers, candy, or jewellery will change that (although some of the above can’t hurt). What you have to do is SHOW her how much she means to you in a way that will make an impact. If that means embarrassing yourself or appearing a little less than macho, well, so be it. Point is, you have to decide to make her your top priority, regardless of what your beer-swilling buddies might say, if you really are sincere about making it up to her. (Didn’t we just go through something like this on this forum not too long ago?) MAKE HER FEEL SPECIAL!!! Because with your bad choice action you betrayed her trust and made her feel insignificant and unimportant to you. Leave little treats, apologize publicly, don’t ignore her, let her know in whatever way you can think of that she is important to you. In the end there are no guarantees because trust takes a very long time to rebuild (if ever).
P.S. It really pisses me off that some of the other posters here think it’s alright to cheat and not tell. Would it be alright if your girls did that to you? Grow up and stop using alcohol and hormones as the perennial excuse for immaturity!!!

You’re going to have a problem if you’re trying to “repair the damage.” You can’t DO anything to repair the damage. Guys always want to DO things. Women, on the other hand, FEEL things. The best thing for you is to “validate” her. She’s angry, so go with that. Let her be angry. If you want to DO something, buy her a foam rubber bat and let her beat on you for a while. No excuses, no promises, no flowers necessarily. Let her be angry for a while. And take it. The operative phrase is “you have every right to be angry.” Period. No buts. Once she works out that anger, and you’re still around, things should be a lot better. Heck, go buy one of those relationship books that were so popular in the nineties.

Don’t go overboard on it. Realize that time will either heal it or it won’t. I wouldn’t apologize more than once. If it was a deal killer it will be a deal killer regardless of what you do. You have as much guilt as she has anger. Vow to yourself that it won’t happen again, and hang on to her if you can. If you can’t, then you can’t. P.S., what is your classmates phone number?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do not care if my girlfriend is cheating on me. It is not like she is made of soap, so if she passes through a couple of hands, I wont have any left. I believe that, if I am happy, there is NO reason not to share my happines with others. As long as the girl is putting out to my satisfaction, she can do as she damn well pleases-in her own spare time. BTW, I am 20. I choose to worry about trust and fidelity when I find someone worth while.

Vel, I’m not passing judgement here, I just want to get that out of the way. Is she even your girlfriend? She sounds more like a sex buddy. You say you don’t don’t love her as a girlfriend(implied in your last sentence). Nor, do you care if she sleeps with others. So, why do you consider her your girlfriend and not just a bed buddy?

Were you in the same zip code as your girlfriend? If not it wasn’t cheating. Did you have too much to drink? If you’re not sure it really happened, it isn’t cheating. Was it with two girls? If it was, it isn’t cheating since they both cancel each other out.

God damn! You never heard “It wasn’t me” by Shaggy???

About a week ago, my boyfriend went on a spring break trip with a bunch of friends. He cheated on me with a girl we’ve both known for about 4 years. He came back and told me within about 5 minutes of talking to me (i really respect him for that by the way). However, that didn’t make it better. It still happened. I was furious. Nobody cheats on me. I don’t put up with it and other girls shouldn’t either. If you care so much about a girl, you should not even think about looking at another girl. Back to my story, i dumped his ass within an hour or so of my finding out. This to me was the only solution. I had 2 options, stay with him and risk being walked all over and NEVER, EVER having that complete trust again or breaking up with him and moving on to a guy who really deserves me. Remember that girls like to be treated like princesses. Also take note that to most girls, cheating is the worst thing you can do. You should know that if she stays with you, you’ve got some pathetic girl friend… she’s basically telling you that she’ll be a doormat to you from now on. I think you did the right thing by telling her and apologizing. My now ex did both and i respect him for that. She found out from the person she cares about most which hurts, but means a lot as well. You don’t have many options being the cheater, just show her how much you care… i wish you the best of luck and i hope she makes the right choice.

Oh, i forgot to mention something… I decided that no matter what he does, i’m not going to go back to him if he even tries to re-kindle things… 99% trust is never enough, there’ll always be that shadow of doubt.