T Nation

What does taking care of your family mean?

A couple of weeks ago my daughter(age 7) and my wife were listening to Dr. Laura on the radio in the car. The subject was “Megan’s Law” and my daughter asked my wife what that meant. My wife explained that it involved adults who touched little kids, ect. My daughter turned pale, and my wife knew something was wrong. My wife told my daughter that she could always tell us if something happened to her. It turns out that about a month and a half ago my daughter was coming up the stairs to our apartment after riding her bike around the apartment complex. She is tiny and can’t bring the bike up herself, so she parks it under the stairs and comes up to ask my wife or I to bring it up for her. Anyway, as she was coming up the stairs there was a 18 year old piece of shit sitting in the middle of the stairs. She said,“Excuse me, I have to go upstairs,” The guy said, “Give me a hug”, she said “no”, the guy said “give me a hug”, she said “no”, the guy then very adamantly said “GIVE ME A HUG”. She was scared and so she leaned forward to hug him. As he was sitting on the stairs she had to spread her legs and straddle the guy to lean forward and hug him. WHen she did the motherfucker reached out and grabbed her between the legs. She recoiled and he said"get out of here". She came upstairs and opened the door and saw me on the couch watching tv and asked if i would bring up her bike for her. She looked strange, but at the time I just thought it was because I had been asleep when she went downstairs and she was expecting my wife to be there. Now i realize she was hoping my wife was there. I’m sure had my wife been there she would have told her what happened right then.

Anyway, I went to get the bike and the guy had already gone into his grandmother’s apartment which is underneath and diagonal to mine. Jesus, I could go one for at least another hour. to summarize, we pressed charges, he is out on bail, and i’m going crazy. he is staying across town with his mother. my wife and family tell me that i shouldn’t do anything. my wife is still in school, so i support the family completely. also, i worry about having to tell my daughter that this bastard isn’t going to jail because daddy did something stupid. i again apologize for my errors and for taking up so much space. my question is “what does it mean to take care of your family?” i want ot kill. i want my family fed.

Tough one bro, I would say let the law handle it, he will do some time and have to register. That being said, If someone did that to my daughter I am not sure I would be able to take my own advice and not kill the guy. Problem is, that would cause my daughter more pain because daddy would not be around to protect or provide anymore.

Im sure some people will tell you to kill him but im not so sure thats the best course of action. You dont do anyone any good in jail. I dont know what to tell you except i hope that never happens to me. Cause i dont think i could be that calm. Where do you live cause its pissing me off? I can beat the fuck out of him without you having to be involved.

I’m really sorry your daughter and family have to go through this. While I’m sure everyone would sympathize with your feelings of wanting to kill this guy, you need to do the right thing. As much as this affects you, you need to remember it’s about your daughter and not about your need for revenge. Do everything you can legally to make sure this piece of shit pays, but don’t retaliate against him with violence. It will only further hurt your family. Sometimes being a man means swallowing the need to exact revenge and focusing on the emotional needs of your family. As men this is difficult as we are wired to confront problems with physical action. I feel for you and your family. I hope it all works out and this guy gets his punishment.

O my God that is terrible. I can only imagine what it is your going through. May I suggest a series of books written by a fellow named George Hayduke on the subject of personal revenge. The books are for entertainment purposes only :wink: but nonetheless are a great read should the law fail to serve justice.

What a tough dilemma! Protecting your family has to come first. This means long term protection. Your anger and frustration is understandable but it is YOURS to deal with. If you kill/maim/injure this piece of shit personally, you will be denying your wife and child the long term security they deserve. It might feel good for a moment but in the long run it’s a win. Arm yourself with information. Find out what you can do to insure a conviction and the maximum sentence for this guy. A lot of criminal defense attorneys started out as Asst. DA’s and prosecutors. Maybe you could buy some time from one of these guys and see if they have any advice. Get active in your local law enforcement support organization. Having cops on your side can never hurt. Get your local PD to help you organize a neighborhood watch and let your neighbors know what happened (especially your neighbors with kids). I think you can make your neighborhood a very unfriendly (and potentially unsafe) place for scum like this kid. The most important thing to do is stay calm. Don’t do anything stupid that might jeopardize your case against this lowlife. If the justice system fails, that is the time to decide if additional action is warranted. Even then, keep in mind that long term security for your family is your first priority and making 35 cents an hour stamping license plates isn’t going to cut it.

doog: Take a deep breath, look into that beautiful little girl’s eyes and say over and over to yourself:“she needs me HERE to love her and protect her; not in jail”

Damn all the slime that’s out there. It’s probably not the guy’s first time and not his last. But guess what? The law will adamantly protect HIS rights and leave you and your little daughter to litterally fend for yourselves. It’s a screwed up system.

Forget 'em (as best you can). He’ll slip up and get his some day, guaranteed. You just be there for your little daughter and things will be okay…

I really feel for you. I’m glad that you took the legal route to deal with this. You’re daughter will thankyou for this in the future. You’ve also proven to her that you are a true hero - if you had resorted to violence against someone who, in reality, is so much less than you, it would have only brought you to his level. You don’t want that, especially when raising a child. One thing you could do is check and see what your rights are as a tenant. You do have rights as a renter - you have the right to live in a community that is safe for you and your family. Now laws vary to state to state, municipality to municipality - the first place if, of course, to search the web. You can use your vent up anger now by preventing this from happening to someone else’s child. But you and your wife have obviously done a tremendous job - your daughter trusts you two enough to confide and you’ve shown you will protect her. So, just remember - you’re doing the right thing.

My hunting partner’s daughter got raped when she was 13. The assholewas 17 and left her laying in a ditch, bloody, wet, and cold. My partner was working out of town and just happened to get home right before the cops showed up. He hunted that “kid” for 4 days with a shotgun. If he’d have found him it would have been lights out. The only thing that saved him was that a family member saw the gun and they helped the kid leave town, and eventually the country. I don’t think my buddy is glad the kid got away but I know he’s glad he can still see his kids without looking through a glass partition. It’s a tough spot to be in. Hard as it is it’s best to sit tight. The cops are already involved. If he even disappears, evidence or not, you’re going to be under a microscope.

A similar assault happened to my daughter when she was 8 when a 19 year old neighbor exposed himself to her and to his own 8 year old brother. We called the cops and the short version is that they did nothing because it was her word against his. (His little brother changed his version of the story after he went home that evening.) We moved shortly after that but I heard that the pervert eventually ended up in jail for drug offenses. I still wish I had exacted some revenge though but my situation was sililar to yours and me being in jail would not have done my family much good. However, in hindsight, I should have taken my friends up on some of their offers to administer some street justice without my involvement. The best thing to do is to see how the legal system handles it before you make any other decisions. Good luck.

As an abused child, I say kill him. As a rational adult, I say offer all the love and support you can to your daughter, and even if she doesn’t think she needs it, schedule a session or two with a counselor. Get a nice BIG restraining order to keep him out of the entire complex if you can… it will make your daughter know that you are doing all you can. You are very lucky she told you, you both must be excellent parents.

As someone who actually researches and clinically works with this subpopulation of sexual offenders, I felt compelled to reply.

  1. Killing or otherwise going after this person will do absolutely no good, provide your child with the secure base she needs at this point, while thinking calmly about everything you do. Do what you can legally to get the offender convicted, and hopefully into a problem. The offender himself needs some type of guided therapy, even if it does not alter his deviant impulses. Taking care of your family means providing them with a secure base, acting rationally, and thinking over what you do…IT IS NOT being guided by your emotions per se, but must be tempered by rational thought and good judgment.

My daughter’s and I have been right where you are now. All three of my daughter’s were molested by the same person. I found out 4 years ago - I know exactly what you’re feeling. Your baby has already been violated - don’t do anything that would take her Daddy away from her too! The legal process is long, slow and frustrating, but we eventually got multiple felony convictions. If you want to talk with someone who’s been there, drop me a line at my name at hotmail. Even T-Men need some support sometimes!