I agree with you for the most part Unger, my previous message wasn’t meant to shoot down what you said, if that’s how you took it. I do plan on being careful, like you said, not to look, well, malleable and just completely dependant on her. That’s a sound piece of advice. She has no plans to wait until she is married, it’s just, when a girl is young she really puts some importance on that event. At least, naive suburban kids like myself and her would. Just had to make sure you knew I didn’t mean any offense in my last post, as it was kinda contradictory to yours.
Damn, this is like those women that try to get their husbands to hit them, so that they’ll lavish attention (or gifts) on them later (when they feel bad about it). Some women play these games. Really, though, she was testing you. Yep. In that warped little mind of hers, she wanted to see if your love would stop you from doing the deed. You failed. A lot of women are like this, and you just have to look out for the tests and test them right back. If you really care about the girl, you have to go along with the make-up ritual. Just be on the lookout for this kind of thing in the future. For the record, I think it sucks that you’re the one that has to have the strength of character to protect her from her own lust (or at least, that’s the way she seems to want it), but them’s the breaks. We men have plenty of our own faults.
“Damn, this is like those women that try to get their husbands to hit them, so that they’ll lavish attention (or gifts) on them later (when they feel bad about it).” hello? moron? NO woman ‘trys’ to get hit, is that the justification you use when you someone?
If you’re so strung out already after only, what 2 months???, then all I can say is “you’ve been whipped, boy!” She’s got you in her pocket big time and will expect continuous “proof” from you. Get ready for the roller coaster ride of your life.
So what’s the story now Travis? Any word yet?
I agree with the other poster, watch out she could be crazy. Maybe you could always be nice to her until you find another chick you like in your area. Remember just play it cool. Oh yeah, one way to get out of the whole “I didn’t want to go that far” is to let her do all the touching at first. This may backfire though because you could just spend time and money on a chick and never get layed.
First of all, I’ve never hit anyone. Second, it’s awfully low to attack a statement with two personal attacks (moron, and the remark about when I hit someone, though I guess you never really actually said ‘hit’). Instead, it would seem more appropriate to attack the presumptions the argument was based on. Anyway, you’re wrong. Some women do try to get hit. I’m in no way saying all abused women do this, but some people are inherently masochistic. Why are many people masochistic? Because they get secondary gains from the pain. Many people get into arguments with others because there’s a certain make-up ritual that gives them a charge or boost. Some incite their partners to violence so that afterwards, he/she will feel bad about it, and either give attention, gifts, or both. People are not necessarily rational, as evidenced by your irrational attack earlier. I probably should have used the gender-neutral “people” instead of “women,” but this phenomenon is much more common in women than men (though it isn’t really a high percentage of cases - which only adds to the aberrant nature of the situation and justifies my statements further).
Well a few days after the situation, she told me she wants it to work out just as much as I do, and that she really does miss me. She said it will be hard for her, but is going to try. I’m starting to get a more clear image of why she doesn’t trust guys in general. Seems like all her friends have been screwed over one way or another by them(she hasn’t, personally). The long distance thing is a bitch, and three months ago I would have never considered it. Hell, I use to think girls weren’t worth putting that much emotion into, they’d just fuck you over. I took that 'Get laid the Testosterone Way" approach. It worked, which was a mistake. Heh.
When I met this girl, I dunno, I was not going to let it end just because if I wanted to see her, I’d have to spend 60 bucks on gas and drive for a few hours. Beavertail, I’m going to try and avoid being entirely whipped, I’ve got friends like that, it’s purty sad when you ‘fear’ your girlfriend, like Unger said, don’t let her totally control you, then you look spineless and she loses interest. And nephorm, I try not to think that chicks are just out to ruin us=). I’ll let her run the show, next time, just to make sure she’s comfortable. I will be careful if she turns crazy, I’m sure she isn’t. Thanks for the warning, though, guys.
To Travis and Michelle
Michelle,
Travis is sort of right. Abused people, whether physical or emotional abuse often take the abuse and for a feeling of moral superiority. Then when the abuser appologizes, they take pleasure in watching their spouse atone for their mistakes and grovel to show that they are sorry. It is a pretty classic relationship called the Sado/Masochistic relationship. So, partly Travis is right.
Trav, Read a book called “The Road Less Traveled” by Peck. It will really help you define a healthy relationship and avoid the pitfalls of a bad one. I wish someone would have given me this book a long time ago. I could have avoided much of my pain and hurting others. Your girlfirend shares some responsibility in this and you are not the “bad guy” since you were put into a bad situation and ultimately you did the right thing by stopping. Now, as long as you didn’t force yourself on her, the line of what is acceptable behavior in a sexual relationship are very hard to define and often it is a tight line for men to walk because women don’t usually yell out commands to what is right and wrong in bed. This is going to sound really harsh, but don’t appologize too much, or you will lose her and get crushed. Sending care packets etc… is a nice gesture, but don’t let your guilt turn you into a suplicant (her being superior over you) because what will happen is that she will FUCK YOU OVER! (This could be a “I need space” to as severe as going out and fucking someone else) It happenes in many many cases. Unfortunately, women like a challenge and strength, and if you don’t represent that challenge and that strength, you will get stomped. Now, you might have met the most wonderful girl who would never do anything like that, but I just got out of a relationship with such a “wonderful” girl. She really is an awesome person and handled the break-up very maturely, but she still fell into that behavior pattern which is so normal. Because I tried to bring us back together by being nice and sweet and kind, she pushed me away even more. This is a long discussion. Read the Peck book together. It is really helpful. If you love this girl, you will invest the time to make it healthy instead of just passionate and comfortable.
EDog
i think you answered your own question at the end of your post…“stop caring so much”…stop obsessing over a girl 6hours away and find someone less inhibited locally…you’re 19 for God’s sake!!!..you should be looking for variety in your sex life, not expending so much emotional energy on a long distance relationship with a girl who’s got her own issues…casual sex with willing partners in order to learn some skills and master the art is what you should be concentrating on…not a long term involvement with a girl who’s “been hurt before”…are you going to spend all your time with her trying to make up for her experiences with other assholes?? are you going to waste so much of your time to prove to her that there is a decent man on this planet that deserves her pootie??? why???..you’re young and many relationships await you…this on has already become way too complicated in way too short a time…cut your losses and look for a new piece of ass…and then another…and then another…or just buy her a ring and a short piece of rope and get it over with. The ring for your wedding, and the rope for a few years down the road…to hang yourself with!!!
Michelle, I thought christians dont believe in premarital sex? at least according to the bible.
I agree with mulestick and that’s why I mentioned age in my post a while back. You are only 19, and yeah, some people get married at that age, but is that what you are aiming at? Mulestick is right. You should be open to new relationships. You said this was only a month long before it turned into a long-distance thing. Well, for a one month relationship, it has the flavor of something that has gone on for years (or maybe at least half a year). At one month there shouldn’t be all these “issues” yet. You should be having fun, being together (pretty hard to do when you’re 6 hours away), getting to know one another, and not having to deal with all these complications!!! All people get screwed over in relationships, whether they are guys or girls. That’s the way life is. If you have to already “make up” for screw-ups her friends have had (not even her own, for heavens sake), then she is way too much emotional baggage for one person, especially when that person is far away and only 19 and MISSING OUT ON THE BEST TIME OF HIS LIFE BY DWELLING AND YES, OBSESSING, OVER ONE MESSED UP CHICK!!!
Unless, of course, you’re as messed up as she is, and then—well, I guess you deserve each other.
I’m not gonna hijack this thread, I will debate that particular topic with you somewhere else if need be. (and yes, I have plenty to say, but will NOT participate in a ‘cat fight’)
Ok,probably wasn’t gonna say anything until I read Michelle’s post.Some girls DO just try to get hit.I’ve been around my friend when his girl is TRYING to get him to hit her,I guess you’d have to know her.And no,before you say it,I would never hit a girl,and have 2 sisters that I’d kill for.As for Travis’ whole deal,this may sound blunt,but come on,you’re nine -fucking- teen!!!There’s plenty of women.I’ll try not to make judgement on her character,but it sounds like “games” to me.If she said she was confused ,yes,but not knowing about you,that bullshit.Getting to that situation,you stopped,and she “doesn’t know”?Save yourself the bullshit,tell her you like her,and you wouldn’t fuck her around,and leave it at that!
It’s sounds like she’s got more baggage than a 747, but listen closely: It takes two to tango. If you had been near enough to put it in then you where in a compromising situation in the first place, unless she was an unwilling paticipant and there for you a rapist. The point is that you may have crossed the line, but the situation you were in made it a very fuzzy line. If she cannot forgive you then move on bro, don’t stop to smell the roses and get the fuck outta there. I honestely don’t give a crap who has hurt her, she has to take equal resposibility for her actions too. So don’t carry the cross for long. You did the right thing. You apologized and asked for forgivness. If she does not forgive you, move on quickly. If you beg you will get walked all over, trust me I have been in the exact same sitation before and in the end I was the one who got screwed.
Thanks for the continued support guys. It’s pretty much all better now, although, it would definately get a bit awkward if that situation is brought up. I realize it wasn’t entirely my fault, but I would not blame her at all and I feel better apologizing about it because, well, I should have been more responsible, asked questions before taking actions. Anyways, yeah I realize begging is the worst thing you can do, I’ve made that mistake before as well. Another note, don’t let my story give the wrong impression of her, she’s an awesome girl. I realize there are plenty of girls around, but I haven’t met one this cool all through highschool so I’m not letting this pass me by. Thanks for the help, guys.