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What can I do?

I need help, I think. I think I really screwed a good thing up and I don’t know what to do to fix it. If anyone has any ideas please let me know. I’ve been going out with a girl for almost two months(we’re 19). I’m on a co-op work term for four months now, she is back at school(we live 6 hours away). Despite only going out for about four weeks, we both enthusiastically wanted to keep it going. And it was as good as a long distance thing could be for three weeks. I talked to her every night and thought about her all the time. All I would look forward to at work was talking to her on the phone and going to the gym. A week ago we started talking about endocrinology('cause I find it fascinating) and it came up that she was on the pill. Then she asked me how many girls I had slept with(just one, it was a big mistake), because she was curious. I would never ever lie to her so I told her the truth. We never really talked about sex and I would NEVER have assumed she wanted to, she’s still a virgin. I went to visit her this past weekend. I asked her Friday night if she actually wanted to, and she told me she wasn’t ready. Of course I’m ok with that. On sunday morning, after an awesome weekend of being with her the whole time, we almost had sex. We were both in position and I was right there, and it was really obvious that it was going to happen. She didn’t stop me until I had just barely entered. The whole drive home I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I had done something that I knew she didnt want to earlier, and don’t know why I thought she might have changed her mind. I had a horrible day and when I got home I told her about all the things that went through my head, about all the things I’ve regretted in the past(like having sex with a girl that really didn’t matter to me, after that incident I convinced myself that sex wasn’t such a big deal). I was really upset.

Today she tells me(by an instant message) that she couldnt even get up to go to class because she has doubts about us. I called her right away, and I told her how she meant so much to me and how I didn’t want something so good to end because I was stupid. She’s really been hurt before by guys, and she’s confused and doesnt know why I would try that. She finds it really difficult to just take my word(and there’s not much else I can do because I’m 6 hours away now), it gave her the idea that I didn’t care for her… I don’t know why I did it. I was afraid I would disappoint her because it was so obvious that we were about to…I screwed up. I just want her to be happy, so I’d accept whatever she wanted. But there is no way I want this to end because I screwed up. What can I do? She’s at class now and won’t be back for a few hours. I’ll talk to her then. She told me she didn’t want to break up, she just doesn’t know. I don’t know what that means. Is there anything I can do to salvage what I have with her, it’s to much of a good thing just to let it die because I was stupid. Sorry for ranting so much, just you all have helped my training so much, I’m hoping maybe some of you can help me here. Should I stop caring so much and just get back to the only constant thing in my life, namely, weights? I think she’s to important to me for me to do that. (this might sound dumb because it has only been two months)Thanks guys. - Trav

Yes, you’re right. You did screw up. As far as recieving forgiveness and earning her trust, I don’t know. The fact that guys have hurt her before is bad - if these guys tried to force her into having sex I wouldn’t count on anything.

If she told you that she’s not ready for sex, you would have had some self-control if you really cared about her. Of course she won’t take you word for it; a person with any dignity and self-esteem will not forgive a major wrong easily, if at all. Man, some serious reconciliation and penance are in order here. I don’t normally support groveling, but I think its the only option here. If she does forgive you, LEARN HOW TO CONTROL YOURSELF.

Hey man, if you had sex with some chick in the past you didn’t really care much about, then you shouldn’t dwell on it. What happened in the past is long gone, it’s over. Move on. As far as trying to make advances on this other chick when she didn’t want you to, I don’t think you should feel too aweful about it. Look. You said you almost had sex with her. When you meant by almost, she must have been sending you some signals at you for sex. For instance, maybe her pupils were dialated, or her skin became tender. Through a biological perspective, maybe she was ready for sex. Yet she put her foot down not to have it and she stuck by her decision, regardless of what her hormones were telling her. Hey, you didn’t know any better. You just went with it. Yeah, it was a mistake, and now you know not to do it if something like this ever happens again. Yeah, the feeling was right, but it impaired your judgement. If you totaled your car because you were drunk off your ass, yet you thought you could reach home safely, you know better never to drive drunk again (please don’t try this experiment. trust me on this one). I guess the best you can do is tell her that you respect her decision even more about not having sex. Tell her that what you did made you feel bad yet fully understand how much abstinance means to her, and without this incident, you would have not known any better. (Hey, for a guy, sometimes it takes a full beating to finally get it). I guess you can also say how much it means to her to win your trust, and that you’ll be willing to do anything it takes to make her happy. Hey man, this is just from my own experience. However you use these suggestions is up to you. Now, if you give her the hint that you’re sorry and you want this relationship to work (however way you do it us up to you), and she gets all weird about it and doesn’t want to see you again, forget about her. A girl like this would make your life miserable if you were to have a relationship with her. Then the both of you would have to go to some marriage counselor and that counselor would make you talk about your childhood, but you wouldn’t know what to say so you’ll make up some story which is similar to the Lion King. Ok, I better shut up now.

Child Child, I feel your pain. This is a classic case of the misunderstanding of the sexes. Women are told to supress their desire for sex and to wait for a man who loves you. And how do you know the guy loves you? Because he doesn’t try to have sex with you, even though you BOTH have those desires. You guys have bad reputations, which y’all perpetuate by your “fuck her and dump her” philosophy . Women don’t realize that men use sex as a means of showing their love as well, so you have to convince her you really care by letting her make all the moves from now on and keep asking “Are you sure?”

To clarify things, she has never been hurt like that before, John. From what I can tell, she has just never met a guy she felt she could trust, or who made her happy. After she told me that, she said that I made her happy. That was last week. I guess it’s hard to describe but I felt like she had moved herself into a position, and, well, I dunno. After she said she wasn’t ready, I realized what I was doing and my heart just sunk into my chest. It’s a nasty feeling. Thanks for the replies.

Okay - this might sound totally retarded - and if it does I give you full permission to tell me to shut up. By reading your post I thought it was pretty clear how you felt and that you know that you did wrong. You obviously care about her and I could “feel” that in your post. Why not give her the address to the post here on the forum and have her read it - it expresses perfectly how you feel and that might show her. This may not go over so well with her that you are telling other people about what you did so you might wanna rethink showing this to her… man does my advice ever suck.

Okay, let me see if I have this straight. She doesn’t want to have sex, but she’s willing to get naked with you? That’s called tempting the devil. If you want to respect her wishes to avoid sex, then you;ll also have to law down some laws about not creating the situations where sex would be the next logical step (or you’re just fighting every biological urge to not take that one thrust to make it happen). Sending her to this board MAY be a good thing, but then again, maybe not. That’s your call. Telling her just what you told us IS a good thing.

All girls (women) have been hurt by guys. That’s nothing new. Happens all the time (and vice versa). Sounds like there’s a real trust issue going on here. For some reason she either doesn’t trust you, or she is emotionally needy and can’t trust anyone (for whatever reason). If your words won’t convince her that you are sincere, perhaps some action will. But you did say this is a long distance thing. Hmmmm. Hardly ever work (especially with 19-year olds) unless both parties are deeply committed. How deeply committed do you want to be at your age? or hers, for that matter? Sounds like she really needs a forever committment with proof. Good luck!

If you (as a couple) are not ready for sex then you have to avoid getting ‘in that position’. You need to talk to her, tell her you are VERY sorry, tell her that you respect her feelings and her body, tell her you are sorry, and then ask if you can talk about boundries. If you can’t stop once the two of you are naked then you need to not get naked together. By offering to discuss boundries you will be telling her that you want her to take some control of the situation, this should put you on much better ground. You CAN tell her that she was sending mixed signals, just don’t make it sound like it was her fault… it was a bad situation and you BOTH made bad decisions. You share responsibility, and unless this is a date rape situation - which it obviously was not - she shares the blame. (I’d put it at about 75-25) Talk to her, make sure she knows you have nothing but her best interests at heart. If she wants some time to herself respect that and tell her you will give her some time, and ask if you can call in a week (don’t leave it openended) In her mind you have ‘taken’ something that women are conditioned to hold very sacred, she may need some time to digest that. There is hope, just be patient and caring.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Cunning I thought about what you said, but decided against it. She’s a shy girl who even gets nervous about me talking to my best friends about our relationship. I did get mixed signals, but I in no way hold her accountable, you have to ask questions, gotta make sure about everything first. I agree with you crazyhorse, about us being kinda young. But I don’t want to end something good just because were too young. It’s not often that a girl can make me laugh and make me -want- to talk on the phone. Anyways, this is what happened. I spoke to her, I told her kinda what I said here, almost exactly what reesh and michelle said. I told her I would do anything to win her trust, and am willing to try and am deeply regretful of what happened. I told her that all I want is for her to be happy and would respect her decision, no matter what, if she needed time, didn’t want to speak to me again, whatever. She told me that she believes me and is going to let me try and win her trust, something along those lines. I talked to her way to late last night and ended up pretty much sleeping through a meeting this morning(ouch). She was awoken at 5 am by someone in her residence and left me a message saying she wants it to work out just as much as I do, but it would be hard for her, and that she really misses me. I understand it will be tough for her, I mean, I really screwed up, but I’m going to try to make it as easy as I can for her and always make sure of what is on her mind. Thanks a lot for all your suggestions. Now I’ll start planning the care package for Valentine’s Day(I know it’s a hallmark holiday, but something like a CD or two of songs that I know she likes is OK, right? That, and she loves getting packages in the mail). Anyways, thanks guys, once again you’ve been a big help to me. - Trav

All the advice given here is sound. However I cannot reccommend that you send her the link to this forum. Picture it, she loggs in, sees “Testosterone: Muscle with attitude” and all this pro steroid shit and she is weirded out, unless she is down with the fact that you are a bodybuilder then you are lucky so go ahead. Of course I would rather have her see it here than on a love and romance bboard, that would have pathetic written all over it. However as your brethren you trust our advice so here is what I have to say: Too many times women just let ‘stuff’ happen to them that they don’t really want or are not ready for. so you should have really pushed the idea that she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to and that you wouldn’t want to do anything to make her feel uncomfortable or hurt her. Tell her what you told us, that after she denied entry you realized that you made it seem like you are just another sex hungry male who doesn’t care about her. Tell her otherwise. Tell her you understand how she feels and you feel the same way, that sex is supposed to MEAN something and that you want it to mean something for the two of you. Say you are happy she said no because she wouldn’t have felt right about it while you two were having sex and that isn’t what you want. END OF ADVICE… now, it seems like you are an upstanding and emotional guy so this stuff won’t be hard for you to say. Oh, and I changed my mind, don’t send her to the T-mag forum, it will mean nothing coming from a post, just say it over the phone.

Ok, here’s the deal, DO NOT (coming from a girls point of view) send her to this website! That is probably the worst thing you can do. Some simple advice: girls like being talked to, make her feel good, put her on a pedestal, but don’t make yourself sound TOO desperate at the same time, that’s too easy for her. Do small little things to win her over. Send her flowers. Write her letters for the mail (you said she likes getting things in the mail), etc. Then ya, you DO have Valentine’s day. Cd’s are a good idea (put some of “your” songs on it if you have any), make her a nice dinner (never mind, the 6 hour thing, right), but if you could, make her a dinner, candles, really romantic, then just do something nice, no pressure to do anything sexual just something you’ll both have fun doing. Let her know how special she is to you and how much you love her. Obviously if you’re trying the long distance thing she means a lot (i’ve heard they’re tough). Most importantly, don’t dwell on it, obviously you have to deal with it, but don’t let it hang like a huge cloud. Good luck, i’m sure things will work out for you.

YOU’RE NOT WRONG!!! Get that through your head. She didn’t even say that she was having doubts because of sex stuff. If she had doubts she wouldn’t have been getting fucking naked. God damn, guys you’re making the dude feel like shit. I mean, she said stop and you did. Women who don’t want sex at all will either not get naked or not allow you to be in between their legs.

These girls who can’t “trust” guys are bullshit. They lump all guys into the same category saying they cheat every chance they get and so on. If you have been dating her for so long she can trust you. What’s not to trust? That you want to give her a hot beef injection? Damn right you do, she’s hot, duh you want to fuck her.

What you did do wrong is coming on so strong. Calling her all the time, talking to her non-stop, telling her how much you love and like her. Shit, when women get this way with guys they get away with more shit.

Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. She sounds as if she has some problems. If you two like each other so much putting your dick in her isn’t a big deal. After you fuck her (if you do) she will be wanting dick all the time from you or another dude. What a load of shit, don’t apologize. There are other chicks that don’t live 6 hours away who are cool too. The thing you have to get through your head is that other chicks will have sex with you too and get naked and you don’t have to deal with all this “trust” and “feelings” shit. Ok rant over.

Here’s the deal. You did nothing wrong. You stopped when she told you too. Nothing wrong there. The bottom line is, women are emotionally oriented. Especially when they’re young, they want to splurge on the urge, and 5 minutes later they regret it. Nothing new there, they pretty much all have some degree of swings. And as to the advice of wining and dining and talking. You might want to save the romantics for later. Not that it’s bad, but you have to make her realize that you’re not some predator trying to get in her pants. That puts a girl off. You have to play a bit of hard to get. You have to raise your value by not saying or doing anything with overtly sexual advances. Be sexy in your own way, but don’t make any moves on her. Let her come to you. Make HER want to rip your clothes off. At that point, she’s not gonna say no. Obviously you care about her, and she cares for you. Immediately after this- perhaps the next time you see her, do the dinner/ tlaking thing. It shows your not just gonna bang and bounce.

“If you two like each other so much putting your dick in her isn’t a big deal.” Bad advice my friend. I know a few guys who thought the same thing. They dropped out of high school to get full time jobs so they could pay child support. Birth control becomes a moot point when you hit the 1 in 100 odds of failure. Bottom line: putting your dick into her IS a big deal, as the whole point of the exercise is the creation of another human life that will depend on both parties for at least 20 years. Don’t take sex lightly. Ever.

Well yes putting your dick in here is a big deal if you are going to bury the evidence and have a kid. But if she is on birthcontrol it is what 99% effective, then a rubber some what 85%, then pulling out is some 65%. Well that isn’t 1 in a 100 odds there. That is if they are both fertile and it is on the right days too.

But my original point was that it’s not a big deal from the emotional side.

Unger - sex IS a big deal, and when you grow up you’ll realize that. Perhaps he is referring to wanting to make love to this girl… not ‘fuck’ her. Travis, you have a lot of advice here, and the GOOD advice is to talk to her and make sure she knows how special you think she is. Make sure she knows you think more of her than a ‘chick to bang.’ You’ll be fine, you obviously care about her, reinforce that. One final piece of advice, once you have said your piece, try not to bring it up again - unless she does - you don’t want to keep reminding her of it. Your heart felt apology should be enough.

I agree with michelle in that, especially for younger girls, it is a big deal. I might not think exactly that way, but I’ll respect her opinion. I don’t just want to fuck her, by the way. I did get some good advice and I plan on taking almost all of it. I won’t keep reminding her of it. It seems like it’s going to be okay, and that the trust she spoke of will be regained, which I’m happy about. Learning experience. Thanks again, everyone, the advice was appreciated.

I think my remarks are getting taken out of context. I said sex isn’t a big deal if you care so much about the other person. Isn’t this better than just a one night stand? I still don’t know what happened that is so wrong. All men like sex, women know this. Ones who wait until they are married usually are devote Christian or another religion. So your girl should know this. I’ll state again, be wary of coming on too strong. This is why a lot of women pull away, you are not interesting anymore because she knows she can make you do anything.

Oh yeah, and if sex is such a big deal to everyone why are there one night stands and both men and women who use others just for sex? Explain this one.