What Business is it of Yours Where I'm From, Friendo?

Hi Spock
Started my own log a couple of days ago. Been reading logs here and there.
Follow som logs here on TN.
Just chimed in on this.
I am not the guy to judge anything. Guess my form is proberly the worst on TN, might even post a vid in your log… just to let you know you ain’t that bad.
You take your lifting serious, writing your log, letting everybody know what you think. That’s awesome. Thank you. One day I’ll read it all :slight_smile:
Take The Mytichal guy and Marks words and think about it.
Two strong lifters, takes time to read your log, watch your video. See it againg and maybe 2 - 3 times more. Maybe even pause your video. Then they take time to think, is there anything that strong girl could do better.
I really think they respect you, your log, your lifting. They obvious do not know you or what you’ve struggled with.
So you should actually be a little proud. I would be.
That being said, if you are happy and you don’t feel pain. Keep squatting Spock, you’ll be all right.
And please keep posting, I’ll follow along and chime in now and then.
I really really hope you do not misunderstand this post, I am trying to post with all the positive vibes in the world.
There are so many people out there that would envy you that squat, with or without flaws :slight_smile:

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This is 100% anxiety dripping over from all of the instagram stuff, you’re are bang on about that. I should send you 85 dollars for a therapy session, lol.

This is just a weird conflicting point in my lifting where I keep trying to bring back the excitement I had from getting stronger or when I was incredibly lean. Both those extreme’s gave me post workout manic highs, and where I am at right now doesn’t.
I am overly defensive when I feel kind of middle of the road with little ambition to decide on a firm direction . It’s the goals that excite me and give me the confidence to not get down on myself or my lifting. It will come back in time no doubt. Just not right now.

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No worries my friend , I know you were just being kind.

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Thanks for stopping by , and for the thoughtful post.
I know no one gave advice to insult or upset me, I’m just in an overly sensitive state right now and am longing to feel satisfied with my lifting and my pursuits.
I am very much a perfectionist when it comes to the gym and I get extremely emotionally uncomfortable when I feel as though I have done something improperly. Some days I am in a good place to hear it, other days I am not.
Hope you continue logging and posting, it’s a very supportive group of people here.

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For sure. xoxox I knew it! Glad to be a voice of reason. Haha.

BTW, just a couple of weeks ago I heard almost the exact same experience you described with Instagram from someone at work. Young 20 something women put a picture up skiing with her sister. Got 4 likes or something, and felt so embarrassed she took it down. How freaking awful is that? No wonder people are realizing that it’s causing anxiety. Good job, you! Get rid of that garbage.

At squatting low. All respect to the men here who are focused on PLing, or to people who have had hip issues. Not everybody has the flexibility to squat like this without pain. I have no doubt it can be an issue, and you could certainly leave pounds on the table at a PLing meet… But check her depth!! Her body can get low, and do it very well.

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Thanks for all the insightful posts, you’re a very knowledgeable and helpful poster :sparkling_heart:

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I have THE most fucked up elephant-man like body on T-nation confirmed. I have consistently overcame all set backs and limitations I’ve set on myself in the past when I learned I had a structural, and significant, leg length discrepancy that effects my entire body.

Sadly, I’m still super insecure about it and I feel like a freak even though it isn’t noticeable to anyone else…

You’re not alone! Keeping killing it Spockalina.

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love the way she smiles in the bottom of the last 79 kg snatch…
She just knows it’s coming up :slight_smile:

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How did you overcome it ? I know you used to have workout anxiety, was that mainly related to the imbalances?
All I ever notice in your videos is your strength fyi . But You’re probably similar to me in how we perceive ourselves and our imperfections are blown up in our own minds.

I try to overcome it by realizing how far I’ve come from where I’ve started, and remembering all the times I cried and felt sorry for myself for being who I was.

I remember placing dead last at my first contest and it crushed me. I felt like I wasn’t meant to be in the sport. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t deadlift over 500lbs etc. I never thought I’d ever come close to winning a show, let alone qualifying for nationals.

Fast forward, I won a show by steadily improving, deadlifting over 650 (still blows my mind today, was stuck at 500 for almost 2 years) and did exceedingly well at nationals. Though, these things are honestly never enough. I still want more. Just as wanting is more than having…right? Just stay hungry and don’t be afraid to not be happy with who you are. You will only do great things because of the hurting. Things aren’t the same if we don’t have something eating away at us on the inside, you know?

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Wow! Awesome post. Thanks so much for being open and sharing that with me .

Again I bash social media but so many things are painted as perfection when nothing or nobody is. It’s so important to remember most people struggle on a daily basis despite appearing happy and flawless in videos/photos etc…

Again, I really appreciate you posting that in here. :slight_smile:

K omg news ! But first
Squats

Squats
95lbs x 10, 115lbs x 10 (warm up)
135lbs x 8
155lbs x 8
165lbs x 5
165lbs x 4

pin squats
170lbs x 4
175lbs x 4

WHOOP

step ups SS band RDL
x 10* ass x 10 * ass
x 10 * ass x 12 * ass
x 10 * ass x 15* ass

cable ass kick back SS BW split squats
x 10 + 10 partials * ass (straight leg) / x 15 * ass
x 10 + 10 partials * ass (bent leg) / x 15 * ass
x 10 1&1/2 reps * ass / x 15 * ass

cable pull through
25lbs x 12
20lbs x 15

step mill intervals x 20 minutes
OK
O
MG

OH MY GOD Chandler bing!!

I saw THE MOST F*932892ing exciting job posting EVER
EVER!!!
IT’s with a place called Deaf and Hear Alberta
!!! For customer service!!
As I went to school for 2yrs leaning sign language and Deaf culture and only been able to find work in customer service
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY JOB
THis is a career!!! a caeeer WITH MY SCHOOLING
Its full time with benefits and only 20min away
I am not fluent anymore but they said it was only preferred and I could become fluent again I COULD ACTUALLY use the one thing in my life that was nearest and dearest to my heart and the most worthy cause and most rewarding thing I have ever done with my time this just excites me to tears.
I shit you not I cried when I saw the posting
but I am an emotional mess always BUT THIS IS AMAZING
THey have to call me, they just have to!
AH!!! A girl I went to school with worked for them before
AH!
SHe can put in a good word for me
AH!!! I honestly feel like I suffered though 4 years of depression and mixed feelings of love and resentment for 10 grand of schooling that was amazing but lead to nothing ever AHHHHHHH
K I can’t calm down !
I CANT CALM DOWN
MANIC MANIC AMCINISCNISN
manic shaky crying
k

BYE
!!!

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That’s amazing Spock.
I’ll cross my fingers and send all the best wishes your way.

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Thats awesome spock!!!

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That sounds awesome. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

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Thanks everyone. I have been hyperventilating and checking my emails every 30 seconds, but nothing so far. Could be a long couple weeks, lol.

K really good workout today

Shoulders:
landmine press
Bar ++
10lbs x 12 * arm
20lbs x 10* arm
25lbs x 8 *arm
27.5lbs x 5 * arm
1 drop
10lbs x 20 * arm
getting strong at these
bitchin’

seated plate lateral raise SS standing DB lateral raise SS standing plate lateral raise SS seated DB lateral raise
2.5lbs/7.5lbs/2.5lbs/7.5lbs
x 15 / x 10/ x 15/ x 10
x 15/ x 10/ x 15/ x 10
x 15/ x 10/ x 15/ x 10
norest
seated plate lateral raise w/pause at top SS pinkies up DB lateral raise
2.5lbs/5lbs
x 10/ x 15
x 10/ x 15
x 10/ x 15
norest

seated DB press SS Arnold press
25lbs/15lbs
x 10/ x 10
x 10/ x 10
x 10/ x 10

incline DB press w/pause at bottom SS incline DB pec fly
30lbs/10lbs
x 8/ x 10
x 8/ x 10
x 8/ x 10

rear delt cable fly
dif pin heights
5lbs
x 20 * arm
x 20 *arm
x 20 * arm
x 20 * arm
norest

reverse grip D handle tri ext.
5lbs
x 12 * arm
x 12 * arm
x 12 * arm
norest

military press
55lbs x 2 x 5
60lbs x 5

skull crushers SS curls
25lbs
x 12/ x 10
x 12/ x 10
x 12/ x 10
norest

stepmill x 30 minutes
and doEN

My kid was all upset last night and mumbling something about his Trex and worried it was going to die and he explained to me that the oldest T rex fossil ever found was 29yrs old.
Well how old is the Trex from the original Jurassic park? ALMOST THAT OLD !
It’s the same t rex from the original Jurassic park that is also in Jurassic world. The one giving the all mighty tyrant king lizard roar at the end of the movie.
It’s obvious they are the same because of the wounds from fighting the velcoraptor’s at the end of the first one and blah blah .
So it’s THE Trex. The most famous trex of all , and it’s getting old. Older than any trex should ever still be alive. It must be like 27 by now. So he’s worried in the next Jurassic world it’s going to die of old age .
If I didn’t already know that this kid was my best friend this conversation clearly made it obvious, lol. I think I would be equally as devastated if this t rex passed away , but at least it would be of old age because no other dinosaur could ever conquer her.
uh
k
BYE

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Pretty much this.

I’ll probably always keep beating that dead horse so long as it can help someone else, but I’ve spent so long also doing that, and being able to relate to strongmanvinny

With the whole social media thing it really didn’t help me whatsoever when I was at my absolute lowest, because it drop me even further into the already rock bottom I had reached. Sorry for giving you a decent chunk of my life’s story, but right when I hit puberty very early, at the age of 8ish? Possibly 9, either one, I immediately started noticing myself. I developed breasts(rather large ones I might add), hair was starting to grow in places, and I started to find myself attracted to guys and getting curious about them.

Aside from that, I was very observant of my mother, and she too didn’t have the healthiest relationship with food either. A year after I started my first period I was beginning to question why I wasn’t as small as other girls. Not to mention I had been on the cheerleading squad for years, and I couldn’t understand I was never a flyer(the girls that get tossed up in the air). I was always a base spotter(girls on the ground who catch the girls in the air), and for the life of me I just couldn’t understand why. I would come home crying, explaining to my mom that I wanted to be a flyer. I would cry and plead my coaches to just let me try. Let me try. I know I can be good at it. Fucking Satan himself must have been lurking around that one godforsaken afternoon at tumble practice, because I decided to ask a few of the girls on the team why I was having a difficult time getting the position I wanted. Did the coaches not like me? Was I not pretty enough? These questions alone really shouldn’t have even been something a very young girl even needs to contemplate. Whoever the hell these little girls were, they sure as hell weren’t nice, because the answer I received still makes my blood run hot every time I think about it.

I asked, “why can’t I try to be flyer?”

Two of them replied, “well you’re fat, and fat girls cant be thrown high enough”.

What. Thee. Flying. FUCK. Felt like someone kicked me square in the chest when I heard that. Fat? Me? How? Am I really? What exactly makes me fat? Can I fix it? How long have I been fat?..and from that day on, for 14 years I used food and exercise as a serious crutch to try and control everything facet of my life, from school to relationships and everything in between. I thought if I would see every segment of my ribs, it didn’t matter that I was seconds away from experiencing heart failure, everything was going to be okay so long as I never ate anything more than one or two almonds.

I remember when YouTube and forums became popular, and I would subscribe to the most negatively influenced sites you could imagine. I remember one site in particular I was a member of for years, was solely dedicated to being a “safe haven” of sorts for eating disorders individuals to just fester and wallow in.

All it truly was, was a place where extremely mentally ill people could just feed off of one another’s sicknesses. And that’s all those sites will EVER be.

High school helped nothing. Along with my newfound urge to quench very strong sexual desires. And boy did I. Not to degrade myself or anything, but I was just fascinated with human beings, boys or girls. I was a cringy 90 something pounds, wore tight everything, memorized every last makeup tutorial, and had handfuls of people constantly wanting to “hang out” with me. It didn’t help that I supplemented this with a crap ton of drugs and booze and partying, but that was were I had led myself at the time. I was popular on Facebook, and little online friend circles before Instagram, Vine, and Snapchat were extremely popular, and I had a hefty amount of YouTube followers on my channel.

And then the depression started to become unbearable and I started self harming myself. I was covered in scars, and by this time my mom had just realized what was going on. I blame her for nothing, because I was unbelievably cunning and good at hiding stuff from her. And even then, back when I was 9 crying in my room after cheerleading practice I would never tell her why, because I had no idea how to despite her always telling me I could come to her with anything.

All my friends, online and in person started to see how I looked deathly sick, my personality was absolutely vicious and cruel, and I had no kindness for anyone.

After years of hospitalization I was tired of cheating myself and waking up in a cold windowless room next to someone crazier than I probably was. I gave the therapists and nurses absolute hell, i questioned everything, threw pessimism all over the place and it showed because I would go back into my room and throw a rage fit when the people I had befriended in the hospital got to go home because they started recovery. For a year I threw out all the tricks in my bag, and managed to convince the one of the doctors I was good to start outpatient recovery and be sent home.

The rock bottom I hit a few years after being back at home, I will never ever forget. I’ll spare it because it’ll probably make anyone here who reads it suffer from second hand embarrassment, and pity. But, I will say that I found myself in the emergency room, flirting with death. I don’t know if you believe in God, but I do, and I had to completely surrender every last fiber of my being to His will, because clearly my way of doing things, almost sent me straight to him that day.

After that I had to drag myself through recovery. I cried over everything, but whether it was group therapy, outpatient check-ins, Skype videos with my new recovery friends, going to church, attending class, or eating with the family, I drug my ass to where I needed to be to help me, eyes filled to brim with tears, snot dripping everywhere, shaking, and all. Because I owed it to myself, and just like strongmanvinny, I had to stop apologizing to myself and the world for being myself.

So on the subject of social media, I find it extremely sad most times because there are young women and even older women torturing themselves trying to live up to this extremely unrealistic and twisted way of viewing everything of wealth, to outward appearances, family, and everything else in between. So cudos to you for rising above all this @Spock81. Because I can only imagine the millions of other young women who have gone and are going through what I went through, and in today’s age with social media and all the technology I feel like it is sending a lot of them to early graves and really messing up young women’s view of what i healthy female body looks like and functions like.

Sorry vinny, this wasn’t directed toward you, I just really related to what you commented

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On the subject of weight training, Spock, do whatever it is you have to do, to balance yourself. Something will always have to give, but in the event that you choose to power through one or the other, just male sure you’re feeling okay within yourself.

Of all the folks on here, you’re one of my favorites because I can relate to you one of hell of a lot. Aside from Brute (because she too is a recovered person from an eating disorder). Espeacially on the subject of anxiety.

Don’t panic Spock. It’s not bad. We are all trying to help you, not take anything away from you. If you want whatever it is you want, don’t ask for it, just take it. By golly I am not portioned to deadlift, but I’ll be gotdamned if I don’t take all these prime years to build the damn best deadlift I possibly can.

It felt like my hips were absolutely breaking apart every time I squatted (and you can ask anyone here how much Mearra gives a damn about her squat), but I refused to let all my hard work go. You can bet there’s decent proportions of my log where I’m straight up complaining, crying, and beating myself up, but a few days later I’ll come back with more posts showing what I’m doing to curb stomp all these difficulties that come my way.

I pretty much blew my back out almost a year ago, and low and behold a few days ago, I got the good news that I’ll be back in tip top shape in no time.

I’m limited with money, equipment, and resources. I’d love to have a legit coach, and a backyard full of equipment, but I can barely afford my college textbooks so I’m using what I have, so whatever it is you have Spock, just use the hell out of it, to further yourself. And keep fighting the good fight. Push through the anxiety, the crying, the frustration, and everything else.

You owe it to yourself, as well as I owed it myself.
Going back to the above post I made, once I managed to Recover more and starting eating normally, I came across a bunch of videos of lifters. Men and women. They were so beautiful to me, how they dedicated their lives to becoming stronger and healthier. I would sometimes have dreams of me lifting and doing other cool things. So I finally took another step and decided to delve into getting stronger, and finally stumbled upon this site, and Mark and BotSlayer were the first guys to talk to me on here and introduce me to the wonders of powerlifting, and I’ve been relentless with my pursuit of strength chasing ever since. I say that like I’ve been lifting for decades, and in my heart it feels like I have, but I still have a bunch of stuff to learn and a bunch of time to really progress, so I’m in for the long haul, and you’ve been in the iron game for waaaaaay longer than I have, and I can only imagine how much more you have to offer for even another decade.

I’m just some college kid from Texas, but one day I’d like to be up there with the big dogs. I may never see that day, or i could be one the greatest, but either way I’ll do my absolute best to unlock every last drop of my potential, and we all want Spock to do the same.

Sorry for the long post, and turning this into a sort of pep talk, but I hope you do feel better Spock.

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Thanks for sharing @planetcybertron, your thoughtful posts are much appreciated .

I have never really had a full blown eating disorder myself, though I still consider myself to be a disordered eater. I have problems with binging and a very out of control appetite so I have to keep things extremely strict or I could easy pack away massive amounts of calories in a very short period of time. I also associate food with guilt and have anxiety about eating if my workouts haven’t gone very well so I know it’s all tied together in an unhealthy way.

I was also picked on a lot to the point of death threats which lead to me homeschooling my last years of high school , so I guess our experiences just lead us to different disordered paths so-to-speak.

I am curious if the weight lifting completely rid you of your eating disorder or if you have to monitor all the time so that it doesn’t come back?
I’ve had years of low anxiety and when it comes back it comes back with a vengeance. I have a friend who was in and out of hospitals for ED and was surprised when I heard she was back in because for multiple years she seemed right back on track and was going to stay that way.

This site actually helped me a lot too with all of the information. I was a marathon runner who was using obsessive cardio (hours per day) to get lean and it was literally within a week of finding this site that I quit and moved on to weight training and then powerlfting. It’s been beyond helpful.

And yes , with regards to isntagram I have only been off a few days and I already feel much happier. I thought it would be hard to quit, but it was actually surprisingly easy. I have no idea how I stayed on there for so long, lol.

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Nah. There will never really be any physical thing that that can rid the mental illness I have to deal with.

I will say that it’s not the actual physical weights, but more so the underlying principles and how they resonate within me, that’s what has helped me. But more so than that, even before weightlifting, what helped me was mainly the fact that I didn’t want to die, and how completely in vain it would’ve been if I did.

The mental aspects of an eating disorder will always follow me around, I just proactively do my best to live above said aspects.

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