Back is looking very, very good. You’ve added plenty of good mass. Lats, arms, shoulders ans your waist is still small. So whatever you’re doing, it’s working.
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Spock-O you are indeed looking great. Hell, I’m a 6’2 guy, not weak, but I may be jealous of those lats!
You speak of depresión. Is this a treated diagnosis? I ask because I’ve dealt with the shit before - it sucks - and wonder if you’re consistently taking any medicine st the same time(s) daily.
Also do you take D-3? It helps so…
Best of luck & hang in there. Character is forged in such fires as u are talking about.
And BTW, sex releases endorphines, which I think could possibly help soreness, and damn well have some potential to exacerbate mood fluctuations. Do it close to bed time.
Viva Les Barbells!
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thanks buddy !
Hey appreciate the advice 
I have taken meds in the past, mostly when I was in my teens and was getting bullied severely at school, but my experiences weren’t really all that great and I am often hesitant to try again.
Like anything it really fluctuates and I try to self-manage because some months/years it’s almost effortless, while other times it takes over my whole life. I am hoping it improves somewhat when I hear about getting into school, etc…
Anyway, thanks again for stopping by.
Good choice. I used meds for some years and it was hell stopping, but got sick of the stuff in my system, not to mention having to disclose it at any dr I saw.
You can do it :). Heck, look at the lats u built - same sort of discipline it takes to manage mood problems.
Best wishes. Ciao!
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K today first official non-powerlifting workout had to start with squats of course 
Squats
135lbs x 10
155lbs x 10
165lbs x 10
belt
175lbs x 10
180lbs x 10
banded full reset barbell hip thrust w/pause at top SS plié SQ
185lbs/35lbs
x 5/ x 10
205lbs/35lbs
x 5/ x 10
225lbs/35lbs
x 5/ x 12
235lbs x 6
185lbs x 12 ( not paused) (also small break in between some reps because I had to flick away a bug)
ass machine
90lbs
x 12*ass
100lbs
x 2 sets of 8 *ass
80lbs
x 20 partials * ass
leg spreader the slutty fit chick lean forward sorta way, but not as annoying or drastic as them also not stupid backwards
115lbs x 2 sets of 15
70lbs x 15
55lbs x 30 partials
smith machine split squats
10lbs per side x 12 leg
15lbs per side x 12leg
20lbs per side x 12leg
25lbs per side x 12leg
one leg on bench cable ass kick backs w/pause at top
10lbs
x 2 sets of 8 * ass
step mill x 20 minutes
back ext.
BW x 30
well there ya go.
I went to the grocery store right quick yesterday because I’m not one of those people who “diets tomorrow”. I am just going to keep it simple. Mostly chicken breast, fish, rice, eggs and ezikel bread for breakfast. Losta veg w/e.
Not really thinking about weighing and measuring stuff because I honestly just quit doing that and it’s very nice.
Also pretty pleased I got 180 x 10 for squats since I had already cut back yesterday and I didn’t have pre bed carby cereal like I always did before high rep squat day.
I still want to squat frequently, but maybe one day just front squats so my trap can have nice long rest in between. The pressure of the bar on my trap hurts a great deal and it would be nice if that would go away.
k
k
BYE
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Look at that Lat flare!
You have added muscle, Jen. It shows.
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Your back looks like you could pull a house… if the need ever arose 
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well thanks, I hope I don’t ever have to test out that theory though LOL
K anyway couple whatevers days
yesterday I did a new thing, I sorta pre exhausted my paused bench by doing high rep feet-up bench first. Which was actually really humbling, who knew I was so good at utilizing my leg drive with my bench , yeesh
feet-up bench press
105lbs x 3 sets of 10
paused bench press
120lbs x 3 sets of 3
that was hard af and I felt like weak little puny girly
sob
seated DB press SS straight arm DB lateral raise
25lbs/5lbs
x 15/ x 15
x 15/ x 15
x 15/ x 15
uhg I have no idea then I did a million other things super setted with a million different things for a million reps and super sets and drop sets and paused and w/e
today
front squats
95lbs x 6, 115lbs x 6 (warm up)
125lbs x 2 sets of 2
135lbs x 5 (ugly)
140lbs x 1
150lbs x 1
back off sets
135lbs x 3 sets of 2
ass machine
90lbs
x 10* ass
x 12* ass
x 15* ass
single leg ext.
50lbs x 10 * leg
30lbs x 2 sets of 10 * leg w/pause at top
leg spreader girls I hate version
55lbs x 20
70lbs x 20
85lbs x 20
leg press machine
drop sets
190lbs x 10
150lbs x 10
110lbs x 12
90lbs x 15
theres some set missing in there I dunno what I did wrong w/e
ropey cable pull through
25lbs x 15
30lbs x 15
35lbs x 15
leg ext
100lbs
x 3 sets of 8
straight leg cable ass kick back
10lbs x 8 * ass w/pause
15lbs x 8 * ass w/pause
stepmill intervals x 20 minutes
look at how ripped I used to be 
this makes me feel really upset . I honestly have no idea how I used to do all the stuff I used to do to accomplish my physique goals .
I’m two days in and I’m already struggling and broke my diet because I felt hungry after today’s workout and scrambled eggs w/ezikiel bread didn’t cut it
I dunno maybe it felt so easy back then because I wanted it so badly I never had the “give up this sucks” voice in my head like I do now. There just wasn’t any question in my mind about where I wanted to go and how I wanted to look.
Now I just feel like Oh great, I am another one of “those” girls that fits into the masses of girls who only care about having a nice ass . Cable kick backs and low calorie like barf. I am doing everything in life that goes against everything I believe to be good and rewarding about training and eating and uhg.
But my mind set back then was “if I just have this body, I’ll be happy and comfortable with who I am” WELL I had that body and maintained it for a year and I wasn’t happy at all, nor was I comfortable or confident with who I was.
Then it shifted to “If I could just figure out my squat and be strong and get to two-plates I’ll be happy and confident” WELL again I got to that point and had more strength than I ever thought was possible FOR ME PERSONALLY and I still wasn’t happy or confident and I almost always felt uncomfortable because of “imperfect reps” or “weak days” " bad days" what have you.
The sad truth is that neither of those things would make me happy or comfortable because there a chemical imbalance in my brain that stops me from feeling those things.
Basing happiness on squats PR’s or shoulder veins is always going to be fleeting because the high from that wears off in about 5 minutes.
Hating yourself because you aren’t as vascular as figure professionals isn’t rational. Like oh, ya, that’s what’s missing from your life, a better shoulder pump. K good, glad you figured it out.
No, I am sorry, that’s not a viable solution.
Anyway, I don’t even know where I am going with this really. I am in a really difficult relationship that presents new emotional challenges on a daily basis, I am unsure and unexcited about my future because I feel like don’t have one. I can’t plan or do anything other than go through the motions at the gym and try to eat as healthy as I can and that’s just going to have to be good enough for right now.
K anyway, thx for listening heart you all 
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http://www.oldtimestrongman.com/strength-articles/iron-henry-rollins
Anyway, find joy in the journey, not the destination. Find pride in pushing through the burn that makes other people quit. Find satisfaction in grinding through when others would have dropped the bar.
Super simplistic right?
Anyway, keep slugging and know that people think you’re a much better person than you’ll ever believe yourself to be. Most of us are since we’re our own harshest critics.
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I watched the movie when I saw it on a listing because of your log, and oh my god was I missing out.
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If I may chime in again, first and foremost, it’s a good idea to do your best to not develope that “action: reward” type of mentality. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your brain for not feeling satisfied once you’ve accomplished something, hoping for certain things. I forget what that is called, but a ton of psychologists refer to under some fancy name, but in laments term you could just lean on the “grass isn’t always greener” mantra.
When I was struggling with a long term eating disorder I had the exact same thought process. If I can just get down to 90 pounds…85…75…70… and so on. I will also admit to you, that no matter how much weight I loss, I was never fully satisfied. Most people who don’t struggle with major physical or mental disorders also have these thoughts.
The main reason is simply this: we as humans envision certain feelings, settings, or words with what we wish to accomplish. The instances vary greatly by they all follow that exact same motive. We hope to feel like this, we hope to look that like, we hope to have this certain person notice, etc. Sometimes we can influenced by what we see or are told, sometimes we can conjure up our expectations, either way.
One of the best ways to avoid this in general is to shift your focus from the end result to the many milestones you surpass, amidst the trail and error. It also helps to not expect to feel a certain way when you reach your goals, but develope a bit of eagerness to see HOW you will feel when you reach said goal. After a while you’ll fall in love with possibility. You’ll fall in love with many different ways you can impress yourself and such.
So it’s okay hun bun, what you’re feeling is yet another human ball of emotions. Don’t loathe or be afraid of them, but see how you can whip them in shape. 
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@Spock81,
Good job on discovering these things. Seriously!
You should be proud of realizing what you have written. That’s something many don’t bother to do. That’s growth.
Secondly, you do have a future. I am “just some guy on a forum”, but I see a lot of familiar things in your words, in your journey. I think you’re doing just fine. You’ve got people here who believe and support you. You know that’s an accomplishment, right? 
You’ve got plenty on your plate and it takes energy to manage those things. And you’ve got this.
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Thx for all the replies guys, really means a lot to me 
.
It’s always good to get feedback and to hear different perspectives on things.
@planetcybertron you are absolutely right about the action reward mentality. I do that ALL the time and I do it knowing that it is a very unhealthy mindset. Not even just about food, but about most things in life. I only “let” myself have things I want if I do something first to deserve it. Like even stupid shit like taking a bath, LOL, wtf just take a bath anyway!! I really want to get out of this habit/way of thinking. It’s no way to live.
thanks for chiming in as always.
And same goes for everyone, I always fully appreciate your posts
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Well today I took a much needed rest day. I haven’t had one in 8 days and I really hate when I avoid them because they really do seem to help me calm down and unwind from all the obsessing and whatnot.
Stayed in bed forever, took a bath, did my nails, w/e.
I most def. do not want to quit powerlifting. I have worked way too hard this past year really figuring out my form and the shoes and belt that work for me. I have wanted to be at this level since I was like 23 so why on earth would now be the right time to quit, gah.
I just want to approach it in a different way. I make it too stressful always lifting too close to my maxes and worrying about what spotters will be avail. on specific days etc. I also should avoid exercises where the negatives outweigh the positives.
EX; high bar paused squats always make my IT band feel like its on fire. Could be 135lbs or 175 it burnnnss. SO WTF is the point really? Sling shot seems to aggravate my shoulder, as do board presses without lift offs and my bent over row is extremely crooked and I couldn’t do it straight with an empty bar. ALL these things upset me and they really don’t need to happen ever.
185lbs x 1 set of 9 could potentially have imperfections that wig me out and 185lbs x 4 sets of 4 could be flawless and not upset me in the slightest.
Just something to think about anyway.
BYE
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k been MIA for a few days, basically workouts have been as follows :
Decides to never give up on powerlifting >> goes to gym ready to start fresh>> everything is horribly painful to the point where I cant really do it (squats esp)>>gets really upset>> decides to body build >> feels fat and weak at the same time >> remembers PR’s >> decides to never give up on powerlifting>> repeat cycle
So ya, basically squats are really uncomfortable for me now, any weight, any style. The pressure on my trap is getting to the unbearable stages and my hip shift is getting worse. ALSo the hip burny shit which used to be just for high bar now happens with low bar. And I still cant bend my left leg without pain even though I have been avoiding ham curls of all kinds. I couldn’t even chase my kid yesterday because jogging aggravated a lot.
I really enjoy back workouts without deadlifts and shoulder days without bench, but I honestly have no clue how to do a leg workout without squats 
I need to research some super set ideas for things I can do properly. Lunges and split squats don’t work because I am literally so crooked I cant do a single BW rep without falling over. Doesn’t really make for a kick ass leg sesh 
I was thinking some land mind squats and goblet squats, plié squats, hip thrusts I dunno. I dunno how to leg day .
BYE
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Leg press
Front squats
Prowler push/drag
Sissy squats
Hack squats
Smith machine front squats with close-stance feet out in front
Extensions
Jefferson squats
Somersault squats
Zercher squats
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Omg awesome!! T Nation is better than Google 
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