thx for the support guys, yesterday was madness, truly…
but today’s workout went really well
low bar squats
135lbs x 2 sets of 5 (warm up)
155lbs x 3 (warm up)
165lbs x 10
165lbs x 10
165lbs x 16 booyaa
high bar paused squats (beltless)
155lbs x 2 sets of 4
165lbs x 2 sets of 4 (lost tightness with one of them reps and made it uggo, so decided to just go straight to back off sets)
back off sets
135lbs x 3 sets of 6
one leg on back cable ass kick back
x 10ass + 1 drop 10lbs x 10*ass
x 15 w/squeeze
x 15 w/squeeze
I got SSRI’s as you know, and “in case of extreme emergency” anti anxiety shit for very rare occasions, like yesterday post workout…
Spent most of the day sleeping in my closet, my go-to safe haven. I decided to get back on tinder (barf), and pick my self up right away, and was I in complete denial about everything. Deep down just feeling like, ok, he’s making a mistake and I am FINE FINE FINE.
Then he sent me a text telling me he was going to come by and return my key.
I ran downstairs like holy shit I need this fucking emergency pill STAT
They SAY it’s supposed to work in 15 minutes, but it didn’t
I went total nutso, curled up in a ball, kicking the walls like a person who should be locked up in a mental ward. I kept thinking like, no, he promised
Two weeks ago he said I love you and ill never leave u and I promise this I promise that, blablah
My mom came over and sat with me for a couple hours which was really helpful . She kept reassuring me that this wasn’t my fault…
But it was such a strange sensation to me from feeling like I was losing my mind to complete and utter brain silence.
Like WAH WAHWHA AHA WHHW to (…)
Just dead air space
I texted him back and said no you are not returning my key, you are making a mistake and I do not support this decision.
Then he answered
He said i’ll come over later and we can just talk
but then I sort of got the feeling that he just wanted to come over to dump me in person and I told him he wasn’t allowed to do that, he could only come over if he was just going to reassure me that everything is going to be fine.
He said he’d come over at like 10:30 when his ex was off work to watch his daughter .
The next few hours were super weird for me though. When that pill really started to kick in I felt so out of it and I feel asleep before 7. When I woke up I honestly didn’t remember how the conversations I was having with people on FB had ended or the emails I sent my mom. I re read them today like ohh, ok…
but he actually did come over exactly at 10:30
Nobody really said anything at first and I said well if you’re going to talk you better talk…
He said I dunno, you were just freaking out about everything. Talking crazy shit. I was shitty to everyone, not just you. The only reason I hung out with my friends and not you was because they just showed up and forced themselves over.
So you don’t want to dump me?
It wasn’t a dumping, I thought it was just like mutual .
I think he thought all the frustration in my texts made it seem like I wanted to end it or I was thinking about ending it so he ended it first.
But his assumptions were right, I felt like I wanted out of it until he took it away, and I realized how I don’t want out of it and the thought of being out of it terrifies me completely.
Anyway, I honestly don’t know, my head is just a mess right now at a time that it’s not typically a mess. I can’t blame it on PMS or hormones, it’s just me.
I feel trapped in a relationship that isn’t enough for me emotionally, but I can’t leave it because I love him and melt down completely even thinking about a world without him in it.
I feel trapped in a dead-end job that I keep because it meets all my obsessive requirements about not having to sit at all, or work evenings or whatever.
I feel like I’m living a life that is dictated to me by my ailments VS living a life that I actually want to live. That a mentally healthy version of me could be living.
ANyway this post is way too long, someone is supposed to call me any day to meet with my and get assessed and set up for regular therapy visits with someone. Really looking forward to that.