T Nation

What Business is it of Yours Where I'm From, Friendo?


#1


Continuing on with my rollercoaster of insanity, ending the last workout log on such a positive note has inspired me to create another.

I have a dire need to express my thoughts, feelings, workouts, questions, comments, concerns, personal experiences, dreams, desires, and heartaches with 100000 strangers on the internet for whatever reason, and this is where I do so.

Love it or hate it, in or out, this is the chosen place...

So
My name is Jenn
And as god (Eminem) as my witness, by the end of this log I will look like a figure athlete.

(!!!!!!!)

BYE


#2

HI

Okay so off to a great start for this log’s first workout, here’s what happened:

Woke up in extreme emotional pain
Couldn’t wait to get to the gym to feel physical pain (hamstring related)
Drove to the gym clasping the steering wheel so tightly, eagerly awaiting the moment when I could start squatting
Did 3 sets of squats and started hyperventilating/crying
Had to come home

As awful as I have felt, sleep deprived, sick, distraught, stressed out, I have NEVER, IN MY LIFE, not been able to complete a workout with the utmost focus and passion.

Not a good moment, to say the least.

But it’s okay, after well over a years worth of the most difficult workouts I could stomach, I feel as though a day off might do me some good, like maybe I really, really needed this, (YA THINK?!).

I think I am going to change my training a little bit, not sure how exactly, but if I am going to be dieting more than normal than I don’t want strength numbers totally messing with my head.
We’ll see. I clearly can’t think clearly at all right now and making any sort of decision about anything seems extremely daunting.

I was just extremely emotionally invested in something for over a year that was all a lie. Every single aspect of it was a lie.
Every I like you
Every compliment
Every promise
Every gift
Ever nice thing
Every bad thing
Every apology
Every ounce of laughter
Just a lie
An act without a real purpose
Deceit
But it’s my fault because I am gullible and hopeful about very stupid things
It ended with something like, “oh, no, we can still do it if you want, but I’m going to try and make things work with my ex for the baby’s sake”

I don’t even…
What is that? Are people really this horrible? Why are people really this horrible?
So tomorrow (not today), is the first day of the rest of my life.
Today is a me day.

BYE


#3

More deadlifts, Spock.

Do more deadlifts.


#4

[quote]Spock81 wrote:
by the end of this log I will look like a figure athlete.
[/quote]

In. You definitely will!


#5

Double post.


#6

[quote]2busy wrote:
More deadlifts, Spock.

Do more deadlifts.

[/quote]
Quoted for emphasis.


#7

Well, continuing on with this mornings’ psychosis, instead of hiding in my closet I went to my basement and hid in the corner for a while, then I came upstairs to lie on the floor, but the carpet was hurting my face so I decided to try go back to the gym…

Hamstring workout- Take 2

Squats
95lbs x 20
115lbs x 20
135lbs x 20

3 second paused squats
145lbs x 5
155lbs x 4
165lbs x 2 sets of 3
175lbs x 2
180lbs x 1

barbell hip thrusts
135lbs x 15
145lbs x 15
155lbs x 15 + 5 (extended set)

lying leg curl
65lbs x 3 sets of 8
drop sets
50lbs x 8
40lbs x 8
30lbs x 8 + 12 partials

seated leg curl SS DB RDL
55lbs/32.lbs
x 20/12
x 20/12
x 20 + 10 @ 45lbs w/holds at the bottom portion/15

ass machine
100lbs
x 12, 11, 10, 9, 8 + 8 partials **ass
No rest between sets

leg spreader
70lbs x 15
85lbs x 12
100lbs x 10
115lbs x 8
55lbs x 50

K, much better…

Honestly, yeah, I am going to talk to someone, like a shrink at the university you can see pretty quickly, or call a line through the place I work at that can help cause I’ve completely lost it.
Like completely
I’ve 95% lost it a million times before, but this is full on, wigged out, please sedate me, I can’t stop crying, kinda lost it.

Terrible.
Feels terrible.
And I keep having these horrible extremely vivid dreams like the other night my friends daughter fell out of a window and then some guy was raping me.
And the night before that it was that I was actually Sarah Conner and the terminator was after me.
Both felt way too real
Woke up feeling so exhausted and worn out
I don’t know if it’s just extreme broken-heartedness, or my hormones have gone totally out of whack or something, but this shit feels crazy.

Ain’t nothin’ feelin’ right at all…

I know it’s temporary, I wont feel like this forever, but how to cope with feeling this way at this exact moment is eluding me.

BYE


#8

[quote]barbedwired wrote:
Double post. [/quote]

this is the greatest thing ever…


#9

[quote]LiftingStrumpet wrote:

[quote]Spock81 wrote:
by the end of this log I will look like a figure athlete.
[/quote]

In. You definitely will!
[/quote]

Thanks for your encouragement :D!


#10

Sounds terrible. I hope you find someone who can help you.


#11

K back day

Deadlifts

135lbs x 8
185lbs x 8
205lbs x 8
225lbs x 8

deficit deadlifts

205lbs x 2 sets of 3
215lbs x 2
225lbs x 1
230lbs x 1
235lbs x 1

super setted wide grip pull ups
x 3 sets of 8
x 6
x 2 sets of 5

T bar row
Bar ++++
50lbs x 20
60lbs x 15
75lbs x 15 <-- last few were cheatery
drop sets
50lbs x I forget 15 maybe 12, no idea
25lbs x 25 I think

Wide D handle lat pull down SS kayak rows
70lbs/25lbs
x 12/12arm+12 straight arm pull down
85lbs/25lbs
x 10/12
arm+12 straight arm pull down
drop sets
wide d handle
85lbs x 10
70lbs x 10
55lbs x 15
Kayak rows
25lbs
x 12*arm
20lbs
x 12 arm
15lbs x 20
arm + 30 straight arm <==this was too light so I freaked out and did more straight arm pull downs
20lbs x 20
25lbs x 10

hammer strength iso row SS ezbar curl
2 plates per side/35lbs
x 10arm/12
x 10
arm/12
x 10arm/12
x 10
arm/15

ropey bicep curl
25lbs x 15
35lbs x 10
25lbs x 15

hammer strength front pull down machine
40lbs per side
3 x 20

bicep curl machine
40lbs
x 3 sets of 8 *slow neg
30lbs
x 12

smith machine bent over row SS plate curl
25lbs per side/25lbs
x 8/20
x 8/*******up until this very moment I didn’t lose my shit/20 <—rep 10 lost my shit

Here’s why:
so some old guy was watching me do smith machine bent over row SS plate curl
Is that not allowed? To super set a curl standing right beside the smith machine ?
I was hardly there at all
I was going fast
So he’s trying to talk to me while I’m curling, like signaling for me to take off my headphones WHILE I AM Actually DOING REPS OKAY
I just want to get that point across
So I start yelling because my music is loud
"ACTUALLY I’M COUNTING RIGHT NOW CAN YOU WAIT A MINUTE
Half the gym looks over at me
I finish and I’m like, "K, what?"
But inside I am like YOU RUDE FUCKER SERIOUSLY WHAT DO U WANT
He’s like
"Are you going to be long?"
Like not nicely asking
Rudely asking
As if I had been there for forever
I was there for 3 minutes
I was like SO MAD KDSLGNJKLDJGKdfkl SO MAD
HULK
SMASH
So I was all Well I can be done then… that’s fine
But in a very bitchy way
and he doesn’t say anything like oh no take your time that’s fine
he says okay
LIke yah good, you better be done
WTF
is that not the rudest thing ever (???)
Not as if he’s in some kind of huge hurry or is some serious bodybuilder that actually needed that to win MR Olympia
He was like 75 and spent the next half an hour talking to some other old fucker
:confused:

Anyway,
So I did not successfully make it through the morning without breaking down
It just set me off

back ext. x 20

Then I had to get the fuck outta dodge…

Riiiiiiiight

But thinking:
Anxiety
Anxiety comes mostly from feelings of discomfort or anticipating feeling discomfort at some point in the future
Like
Long shift ahead = anxious that I’ll be hungry at 4pm and want to go home
Anxious that I will be uncomfortable about feeling hungry
Not actually anxious about the shift itself
Anxious about how I will feel anxious because I will feel uncomfortable
It’s never about the REAL thing, it’s about the feelings associated with it
So as depressed as I am right now, I am also extremely anxious
Because feeling sad and depressed is uncomfortable.
More like, I feel as though I need to focus on fixing the anxiety associated with feeling depressed over the feelings of said depression.
Because I am going to feel sad right now. That is a fact. That just needs time
But to calm the fuck down I need to work on the anxiety aspect of it.
So I am off work for the week, my boss told me to take the time cause she knows I lost my mind
So I’ve been going to the gym in the afternoon to do the stepmill, and it does make me feel better
Cause certain times of the day I freak out more than others, and in the afternoon right when I start to feel like shits about to go down, I quickly get back to the gym and do some cardio
I need more things like that
Go to escape plans when I feel like that
Simple, quick things

That’s all for now

BEU
BYE


#12

[quote]aeyogi wrote:
Sounds terrible. I hope you find someone who can help you.[/quote]

Thanks =) I am going to try and get in for an assessment today if it’s not too busy


#13

Maybe I can’t empathize entirely, but I do know what some pretty bad pain can feel like. The only reprieve I found was knowing I’d be a different person when I got over it.

Anyway, yeah masochism in the gym is pretty neat. I mean I love that I can just bring myself to near-death at my own will. Keep the hard work going girl.


#14

SoOooO what did I do today…

Some shoulder things…

Cable station one arm rear delt fly SS cable lean away lateral raise
1st pin
x 10/12arm
x 10/12
arm
x 10/12arm
x 10/12
arm

cable station bent over two arm rear delt fly SS ropey cable front raise pull throughs SS facepulls
1st pin/15lbs/35lbs
x 8/8/15
x 8/8/15
x 8
Drop sets ropey front raise
15lbs x 8
10lbs x 10
5lbs x 20

drop set face pulls
35lbs x 15
30lbs x 15
25lb x 30

so DB lateral partials drop set —>> raises/holds etc…
30lbs x 20 (partials)
25lbs x 20 (partials)
20lbs x 25 (partials)
17.5lbs x 25 (partials)
15lbs x 10 normal + 20 partials
12.5lbs x 12
10lbs x 12 + 25 partials (?) I think
7.5lbs x 15
5 lbs x 10 straight arm w/ pause at top/slow neg + 50 partials

seated DB press SS barbell front raise w/slow neg SS seated DB lateral raise
27.5lbs/20lbs/7.5lbs
x 12/8/10
x 12/8/10
x 12/8/10
Drop set seated DB press
30lbs x 8
22.5lbs x 8
17.5lbs x 10
15lbs x 13

hammer strength iso lateral shoulder press SS barbell upright row
25lbs per side/50lbs
x 12/12
30lbs per side/50lbs
x 10/12
35lbs per side/50lbs
x 8/12
40lbs per side
x 6
drop sets
25lbs per side x 8 *slow neg
20lbs per side x 10 + 8 really hard/shitty partials
one more set upright row
50lbs x 15

frig ummm…
smith machine behind the neck press SS 10&2 raises
15lbs per side/15lbs
x 8/15
x 8/15
x 8/15
10&2 raise drop set
7.5lbs x 30

bent arm lateral raise machine
30lbs
x 12, 11, 10, 9, 8

rear DB fly
12.5lbs
x 4 sets of 15

lyrics cause it’s been too long…

Buy you a bag of fritos, I wouldn’t let you eat the fucking chip on my shoulder
If you was bleach, and I was hair I wouldn’t dye for ya
tryin’ pull 5 bucks from me is like tryin’ pull 5 molars
you get your eyes swole, up I’m on my straight grizzly
so why would I buy you a gay ass teddy bear bitch, you’re already bi polar !

BOOM

Yesterday I went to the doctor to try to get a referral
So he comes in like “Hello Jennifer, what’s can I help you with?”

“I’ve lost my mind”
*start crying uncontrollably
"I hide in my closet all day and I can’t go to work and I can’t function see I can’t even be in public"

Went well, obviously…
Embarrassed x’s 10 sets of 10

I’m a dreamer
Always have been
Dream huge, dream irrationally, but vividly.
So reality is hard to face when it’s reaches a point that it can no longer be avoided
And the dreams die
So all there is sadness …

End emo shit ////\\

BYE


#15

[quote]strongmanvinny wrote:
Maybe I can’t empathize entirely, but I do know what some pretty bad pain can feel like. The only reprieve I found was knowing I’d be a different person when I got over it.

Anyway, yeah masochism in the gym is pretty neat. I mean I love that I can just bring myself to near-death at my own will. Keep the hard work going girl. [/quote]

I like this post SMV.!
But what if the different person that emerges from this is a shitter version of myself?
I never wanted to get to the point where I group all dudes together because of past experiences.
But honestly, if I were to get approached or exchange numbers or try to meet anyone at this point, I’d assume there were the devil reincarnate after about 5 seconds.
Don’t like that


#16

leg day- Quad focus

squats
95lbs x 8
115lbs x 8
135lbs x 5
155lbs x 5
165lbs x 5
175lbs x 5 sets of 5
3 drop sets
135lbs x 8 *paused
115lbs x 6 *paused + 6 normal
95lbs x 30

hack squat machine
45lbs per side x 12
70lbs per side x 2 sets of 10
45lbs per side x 8 1&1/2 reps

smith machine split squats SS smith machine super close stance squats
20lbs per side
x 10leg/10
x 10
leg/10
x 10*leg/10

seated leg press machine
3 triple drop sets
250lbs x 8
210lbs x 8
170lbs x 8
///
230lbs x 8
190lbs x 8
150lbs x 8
////
210lbs x 8
170lbs x 10
130lbs x 12

leg ext.
100lbs x 8
115lbs x 8
130lbs x 5 + 2 + 2 (extended set)
partials
55lbs x 25
70lbs x 20
85lbs x 15

ass machine
170lbs
x 2 sets of 6 *ass

leg squisher
100lbs x 15
145lb x 10
100lbs x 15

stability ball hip thrusts
x 40

K,
I think I am going to finally take a bit of weight off my squats, not always happy with form, etc…
I feel like I 've built up some good strength fairly quickly, so taking 10-15lbs off will still keep the weights fairly heavy, but less anxiety inducing and whatnot.
Maybe like shoulda done 165lbs x 5 sets of 5 or something
I dunno
Nothing major

BYE


#17

K woke up in better spirits this morning

I had a dream I was talking to Arnold Swartzchengger and asking him if he ever worked out with THe Rock. Then I was asking about when their next back workout would be, and if I could join them.

It was very exciting actually.

Back day

deadlifts
135lbs x 8
185lbs x 6
205lbs x 5
215lbs x 5
225lbs x 5
230lbs x 5

3 count pause deadlifts
185lbs x 2 sets of 3
195lbs x 3 sets of 2
205lbs x 2 sets of 1

super setted wide neutral grip pull ups
x 6 sets of 6

Bent over row
95lbs x 12
105lbs x 4 sets of 8

one arm lat pull down using both arms at the same time
27.5lbs x 15
35lbs x 3 sets of 15
drop sets
27.5lbs x 15
20lbs x 15

one arm DB row
35lbs x 15arm
50lbs x 10
arm
35lbs x 15*arm

straight arm wide grip pull down SS seated row cable
25lbs/85lbs
x 20/10
x 20/10
drop sets
straight arm
25lbs x 20
20lbs x 25

seated row
85lbs x 10
70lbs x 10
55lbs x 10
40lbs x 10 + like a million partials
burn so good

ez bar cable curl
25lbs
x 4 sets of 12
20lbs x 12
15lbs x 12

seated DB curl SS behind the neck lat pull down
15llbs/35lbs
x 8arm/8
x 8
arm/8
x 8arm/8
drop sets
10lbs/27.5lbs
x 10
arm/10

seated row machine
low grip
55lbs x 8
70lbs x 2 sets of 6

one arm cable bi curl
2nd pin
x 12, 11, 10, 9, 8 *arm

back ext. x 20

Yeah, much better then the past few days
I feel human again
and by that I mean I was back to my annoying self dancing to my music.

If I really got to workout with The Rock I’d be like, just try ta keep up, boi. I dares ya.

There should be a contest where people submit like their most crazy workout, and whoever looks like their torturing themselves the most gets to win a workout with The Rock.
U could like pay 5 dollars to enter and proceeds go to charity or fund a gym for inner city kids or something.
So I’d probably submit a shoulder day
BYE


#18

Chest day

Bench Press

95lbs x 8
105lbs x 8
110lbs x 8
115lbs x 3 sets of 8

5 count pause bench
120lbs x 2 sets of 3
125lbs x 3 sets of 1
115lbs x 4

incline bench
85lbs x 8
95lbs x 3 sets of 6
1 drop
75lbs x 16

one arm DB bench SS DB squeeze press SS db pec fly
32.lbs/12.5lbs/12.5lbs
x 10arm/20/15
x 10
arm/20/15
x 10*arm/20/15

chest press machine
rest/pause set
55lbs
x 12, 11, 10, 9, 8+8 partials

cable cross over
low setting
3rdpin x 10
2nd pin x 12
1st pin x 20
middle setting
3rd pin x 10
2nd pin x 12
1st pin x 20
high setting
3rd pin x 10
2nd pin x 12
1st pin x 20

slight incline smith machine press
20lbs per side
x 3 sets of 12

ropey tri ext. SS one arm cable tri ext.
20lbs/5lbs
x 15/12arm
x 15/12
arm
x 15/12*arm

pec fly machine
55lbs x 15
70lbs x 2 sets of 10

super drop set
drop set that was super
DN tri overhead EXT SS tri kick back
27.5lbs/12.5lbs
x 10/10arm
22.5lbs/10lbs
x 10/10
arm
17.5lbs/7.5lbs
x 10/10*arm

And that’s all she wrote.
K one sec


#19

K now I am considering swearing off the scale all together, BUT
here is what I think:
While I have not lost a single pound after almost a month of dieting + adding in cardio, I swear I look leaner + my shoulders are growing???

Is this just in my head/wishful thinking or does anyone else think that too, Lol.

Keep in mind I am currently very fragile so lying would be acceptable…
:stuck_out_tongue:


#20

Hey!

I almost had one of those mornings too, some wack was dreams, overwhelming anxiety and some random tears. Fucking sucks, hope you feel better.

I am making a doctor’s appointment this afternoon