T Nation

What a Long, Strange Trip it's Been

In a nutshell…12 years ago boy meets girl, the have great sex, boy takes in girls 2 1/2 year old son, boy and girl move in together and have a baby girl. They then marry and wife stays home with kids. After nine years wife goes to work to help out financially. 35 year old Wife meets younger single women and begins going out and develops a binge drinking habit that has her coming home once or twice a week between 3AM and 5AM. She would brag about going to male strip bars and other low class bars and having guys hit on her askign her if she wanted to fuck. Husband puts foot down and wife agrees to stop. Two months ago wife comes home next mornign at 8AM after claiming she passed out in a restuarant parking lot.

Well, since then I asked my wife to leave. She agreed and she claimed she hated me anyways and that she only drank as she was so miserable with me; that it is not her fault she does not have the sex drive I have and if I need sex to get it somewhere else. She even agreed to leave BOTH kids (actually she wanted to take her son with her but he wanted to stay with me as I have been the one takign care of him when his mother was out partying. He is 14 and saw it all and is not pleased with his mother these days, needless to say.)

She has said I can keep the equity in the house so that she does not have to be responsible for any loans or debt. She also said I can have comlpete custody of the kids yet refuses to pay any child support. That is fine with me as long as they get to remain in their home and not be dragged through court proceedings.

The kids and me are now moving forward without wife/mother. She comes and goes in their lives fro time to time even though she lives and works five minutes away.

I had wanted to work this out even though I was unhappy, yet after reading a past Atomic Dog I realized this person was destructive in my life as well as my kids. She now lives in a trashy apartment but bought a new car with leather interior (rememebr, she does not pay child support). She lives check to check and said if she could not afford car she would geta second job. She got a tattoo on her right shoulder and plans to get more. She has shown up to a number of her kids soccer games hung over.

Both kids have taken the situation better than I thought, but then again they remained with the stable parent. Or, as my 9 year old daughetr wopuld put it, “She’s out with her friends again? When is it goign to be family night?”

You better get those verbal agreements made into legal, written agreements quickly. I don’t care how bad and/or worthless she is, she could bite back, and hard. The courts are still notoriously pro-mother.

sorry to hear it… kids will be aight, give em double the love now that “mom” is gone.

Sad. Didn’t we see at least part of this story before? Seems a little familiar. And yes, a lot of kids do seem to “take it well,” but believe me, they’re being torn up inside. It’d be a good idea to get them to really open up about it.

Did you maen to ask a question, or just wanted to share the story?

Just when I started to renew my faith in the idea of marriage and I hear another story like this… I am extremely sorry to hear about your situation, unfortunately it seems to be all to common these days. Why do you think this sort of thing is happening so much lately? This sort of thing never ceases to amaze me, I am sure you are probably harboring some feelings of disbelief yourself. You made the right choice though, get her out, and move on. Way to be strong. I hope you can work through this and hopefully your kids don’t develope any serious issues over this. It must be absolutely heartbreaking. Best wishes man.

Jeezus, dude… that’s some story. All I can say is I’m sorry that you had to go through that. But I think you made the right decision. If you tried time and again to talk some sense into her without luck, then I think you did what you needed to do. If it was a lost cause, then I think it was better that the two of you parted so as not to subject your kids to more pain. You sound like you’re a good father.

Interesting is that the paralegal assisting me noted that she sees more and more women leaving thier children behind.

Props, bud. You’re doing the right thing.

All I can say is stay strong. And find a good woman.

Wow … that is a very sad story. I’m sorry to hear all that stuff has happened to you, and especially to your kids. It sounds very very similar to my own childhood.

The only thing I can say is that you are making the right choice for you and for your children. When my father moved out, it completely changed my family’s life, and it changed me. I was in 8th grade when he moved out. After he left, I completely “came out of my shell.” I became much more outgoing, and my grades in school skyrocketed.

You’re lucky that your children realize what your wife is doing to herself, and that it is no way to live. Though it sucks, and they will miss their mom very much, they will be better people because of it.

Best of luck.

The other day my son graduated from 8th grade. He went out to dinner with me and my family (who has equaly adopted him as I) for his favororite - ribs. My wife said she wanted to take him out for his graduation as well. Instead she took the kids to her families house where they were celebrating another graduation. My son did not receive any gifts from his blood family and no one told him congradulations - even his mother did not get him a gift. She just wanted to go there to talk shit (in front of my son, who said he was pissed at her for doing so) even though she has avoided her family for years.

Last night we talked some more. He does not feel she is coming back as she is having too much fun acting single without kids. He told me for a long time he was told to lie to me when she would come home and change after work. He did not like that she was sneakign around dresing scantily to leave the family behind and to leave him alone while I was at soccer practice with my daughter.

My son has a lot of resentment towards his mother and I am trying to keep him busy with summer school and sports. He feels abandoned by his mother and said she changed from a loving mother to a selfish party girl.

You get my vote as “T-Man of the Month.”

Have you thought about trying Al-Anon? It is a support group for family members of alcoholics and/or addicted persons. It is great about telling you how to deal with that person… lots of people are going through the same thing and they’re happy to help out.
There is also Al-Ateen for the teenagers. The kids are probably confused about their mother and have a lot of emotions that they don’t know how to deal with.
These programs work for thousands and they’re absolutely free.
Look up Alcoholics Anonymous in your phone book and they can help you find a group that meets in your area.
Good luck.

Wow… I agree that you need to get EVERYTHING In writing, especially since the son is not a blood relation. She could return and take him and you wouldn’t have much to say about it. As someone else put it, courts are VERY pro-mother, even when they definately should not be.

It's good you are keeping your family together, I think one of the best things you can do is not trash talk her - even though she seems to deserve it. Your chhildren will definately respect you more for it.

Good job, and keep up the good work.

I grew up with an alcoholic/crack addicted mother and no father. Your children are lucky to have you. I agree get everything in writing. My mother was a vicious drunk and she is extremely intelligent so there were times she would act out of pure vindictiveness, also I choose to live with one of her exes for a couple of years as he was the closest thing to a father figure I had ever had and her wrath was much more directed at me for choosing him than it was at him. My point being she may at some stage decide to take it out on the kids so have everything legalized asap. Particularily involving your son (you made it sound like he was not your biological child, is he legally adopted by you? I ask because even though my stepfather took care of me for several years when my mother decided to make trouble there was nothing he could do about it and I ended up back with her. Even if you don’t think it could get to that point, trust me there is no one more manipulative that an addict, and no-one more completely self-absorbed.
It also sounds like she blames you but I hope you know that she has made her own choice, whatever it is she is going through probably has to do with things that occurred long before she even met you.
I agree that al-anon would be a great support for you and for your kids (maybe al-ateen if they are younger), even if you only go a few times it can give you some great coping tools. I know that as a child of an addict I always felt really isolated, totally ashamed and embarrassed of her, and also guilty because no matter what that is your mother and that is hard to reconcile.
Lastly, me mom finally went through re-hab when I was 22 and she was 44, after nearly 30 years of hard core addiction to drugs and alcohol. She kicked it, went back to college, graduated with honors, became a cop for a few years, and now runs an addiction program through the Arizona Department of Corrections, specializing in women’s addiction.

Fortunately my son is of age to make the decision to have me as a legal guardian and has the right to chose to live with me. It’s funny that she never fights to take our daughter. Last night, on Father’s Day, she was in our driveway waiting for us to get hom. She wanted to see the kids. She said she does not want a divorce yet does not feel she could live with me again and if she did she would only do it for the kids. She also told me being that she has no sex drive (although when drunk she’s a horny wildthang at 3:00AM)that she would have to give in to me anyway to keep me quiet. Wow, I look forward to the relationship. She really has no desire to take the kids and both have made it clear they intend to stay with me in their home. She can barely get by just taking care of herself. The kids lives are too active for her and she does not want to dedicate that time to them.

Sad story bro…anyway, don’t buy into letting her back, if you were even remotely thinking that. The kids AND YOU are better without her. I would talk to a lawyer ASAP. Get things in writing before it gets nasty.

You are a good man.

Definitley, get:

  1. Legal papers
  2. counseling

Even if your kids are taking it well, they NEED to go talk to some counselors, as this stuff will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Listen to JRR DG. You don’t need this woman in your lives. Besides being sick, she sounds just plain mean.