T Nation

Using the keyboard to measure your TallyWhacker

  1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the
    rounded hollow on top of the “1” key. Rest your right testicle in the key
    immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably
    something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have
    to use the A or even the Z key).

  2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number
    key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+’’
    the backspace key removes the “=”)

  3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a
    distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at
    the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground.
    Repeat the above test.


  1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.

  2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two
    keyboards end to end.

  3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it
    down with alcohol first.

  4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a
    fire extinguisher handy, and DON’T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can
    also be used to diagnose some genital disorders.

Test Results Diagnosis
1 – You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 – You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn – Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker’s

12wgui,l=]\ – Seek immediate medical care.