T Nation

Turbopoopers Unite!

Yeah, I’m a turbopooper and spend all of 2 minutes taking a shit. Almost every other guy I know spends anywhere between 20-60 minutes in there.

If you’re the latter, why? Seriously. Once and for all, I’d like to have it explained to me, this insistance on sitting for an extended period of time in your own stink. Hogging the crapper. Making the room both toxic and a fire hazard. What’s taking so long. Are you pushing continously for an hour? How about waiting till you’re actually ready to evacuate. Do you spend all that time wiping your ass? Eat some fiber or something. Or are you just sitting in there, purposeless, reminiscing over the past, dreaming of the future, misty eyes and all? What? What?! I require a fucking explanation.

If you’re the former, you’re a good person. Hugs all around. Have a drink on me. And a steak. With some sauce. BBQ.

Yeah…

My shits are almost the same duration as my pisses

Well, I suppose it’s different for each individual, but sometimes getting up just doesn’t feel right. Like you’re not ready yet. It’s a spiritual thing, you have to feel it out…

You’re damn right.

“Reading material”?

I got maybe enough time to read the materials my underwear is made out of.

Sometimes I might be sat there for 15 minutes it just keeps taunting me…

You have posed a great quandary, my friend.

Really, when I gotta shit, I do so. Then it’s over. Surely you don’t sit there in mid-shit for all that time?

I shit and get off the pot, literally.
Hell I never even sit down. That’s right!
I squat above the toilet and let er’ rip.

Seriously, why Do people stay in there for so long? I’m pretty sure if Satan smelled my shit stink, he would die, so why would I let myself succumb to the same vile smell for 20minutes?
No, I get in, shit and get the hell out, shut the door and turn on the fan.

Blah

Look, it’s not that simple. Sometimes my poo comes out fast, and it’s over. But sometimes it’s not. It depends on how I feel. Sometimes I feel like there’s more to come and there usually is. Sometimes it takes 15 or 20 minutes between my first and last turd. Why? I don’t know. The world may never know.

This is what I can tell you. If it’s a turd substantial in size and density, it’s probably going to be quick. If it’s rabbit turds, that is also usually quick. But if it’s soft and moves slow, I’m probably going to be there a while. My stomach often gives me some kind of indication before I go to the bathroom, so in these instances I usually take a T-Nation article or two with me to read.

Violent diarrhea can be difficult to read. Sometimes I have an explosion and it’s over. The wiping takes much longer than the actual dump. But sometimes there’s several explosions that take a long time to get all of them out. That’s the worst.

I envy you though. I don’t particularly like sitting there on the toilet, but it just happens. I can’t believe you never have long sessions though. Not even after a hearty Thanksgiving meal?

This brings me to another question I’ve often asked myself. I think it was first brought up by Beavis, but why indeed do they call it “taking” a dump? You really aren’t taking it anywhere. Why not leaving, submitting, depositing, giving, donating, transferring, supplying, bestowing, or passing a dump? I just don’t get it.

Anyway, I gotta go deposit a dump.

Sometimes ur not sure if its all done, you know.

@super saiyan

Maybe taking = doing?

It’s a feeling out process, you know? Sometimes you can knock the shit out and it’s over in a minute, but other times you just don’t know if that’s the end of it…your insides kind of tell you where you’re at, and it’s better to sit there for a few extra minutes to get it all out and be comfortable in the long run, instead of running back to the can 3 or 4 times a day because you never finished the job the 1st time.

Then again, you know guys in there for 20-60mins? What the hell…

Im a turbopooper 90% of the time.

The other 10%, neither I, nor my bowels know what is happening. We just play it by ear.

That brings me to another thing, regularity.
For a few days I had to get up at 6am or whatnot, and normally I rise around 730-8.

I can’t seem to ‘reprogram’ my morning shit back from the 6am shit. It’s not great to be woken up by poo knocking on the door to the world.

The more I think about it, the more I suspect poos are playing tricks with my mind. Shit stirrers!

Taking a shit is a delicate endeavor. Firstly, you have to gauge where it stands density-wise. There’s a point just between taking a rock shit and having pudding come out of your ass that is hard enough where you won’t have leftovers, but soft enough so it’s not painful when it comes out.

Secondly, you have to take into account what you need to get the job done right. I personally take The Arnold Book in with me for a bit of light reading. It allows me to divert my attention to something else, which relaxes the rectum and let’s it slide out like a kid at a waterpark.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, you need to gauge how long you should be sitting there. If you get up too fast, you run the risk of snapping it off prematurely, which leaves you feeling somewhat lethargic an unfulfilled. If you sit there for too long, however, you start to get a dry feeling in your ass that isn’t pleasant once you finally decide to stand up.

The key here, my friends, is moderation and safety. Don’t sit there for 20 minutes because you’re waiting for a pebble that is halfway up your large intestine to drop down, but don’t get up before th deed is done. Also, always check to make sure you have copious amounts of TP before commencing the event. Also, don’t strain yourself. You’re not squatting 500 lbs; you’re taking a shit.

I think a hour is pushing it. If it took me a hour to take a dozer I would probably look at some kind of asshole enlargement surgery or something.

Wiping takes longer than shitting.

…so true. I’m thankful when the wipe is clean and quick, but most days it may take upto a quarter roll…

[quote]super saiyan wrote:
[…]15 or 20 minutes between my first and last turd[…]

Anyway, I gotta go deposit a dump.[/quote]

Not good.
You might want to add WAY more fiber into your diet just for a couple of days. Then report back from the privy. See the difference?
Have a good (and fast) one!

I knew I couldn’t be alone. I can also see this is a topic people feel strongly about. Excellent…

[quote]super saiyan wrote:
I envy you though. I don’t particularly like sitting there on the toilet, but it just happens. I can’t believe you never have long sessions though. Not even after a hearty Thanksgiving meal?[/quote]

Well, no, not really. I’ve only experienced diarrhea a couple times in the past 10 years, usually when I leave the continent, and I have the very, very occassional muddy experience if I go out drinking hard, but other than that, I average 1-3 minutes, most of which is wiping. And even when I do have runny shits, they’re over in a flash, and wiping is what really takes up time.

I’m ridiculously regular as well. Evenings between 8 and 11 and sometimes an additional turd after lunch if my calories are high. Perhaps this is part of the reason. The guys I know who spend the longest in there are usually the same guys who shit every 2-3 days.

And the reading to relax stuff strikes me as odd. If you really want to get out of there, you should probably focus on the task at hand, not dally on the seat with FHM in your hands (unless you plan to wipe with it).

A few minutes at home, closer to 10 minutes at work. Getting paid to shit is great so I take my time and enjoy it.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

Well, I agree with what some people said. It’s generally an in-and-out affair, but sometimes it’s like a sloth creeping slooooowly. Then, there’s stubborn shits that are just too comfortable.

Generally, though, I’ll bring in a book with me, and get about one page of reading done before my business has been taken care of.