T Nation

True History of the World


#1

OK, I got this in an email and thought it was funny. I thought I would share it with my T-brethren. Please take it for comic value and not as my beliefs, since I am neither conservative nor liberal.

An Evolutionary History of the world...

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to
the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2
distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter
rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone
who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of
trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:


#2

Things with "comic value" should probably be funny.


#3

Where's the humor? This sounds like a Neocon primer.


#4

I'm not offended but its not that funny either.


#5

Much truth is said in jest :wink:


#6

I wonder how many remember nowadays that in the 19th century the Republican party vehemently opposed "wage slavery", as they called it. No wait, didn't the Communists support the same thing? Hmm...


#7

There is a difference between Republican and Conservative. Not so long ago the Republicans wanted less government involvement in everyday life, which is an ideal associated with Classical Liberalism. Wow, I didn't think I paid that much attention in my Political Science class...