OK, so maybe I expect too much from Zen and meditation. I expect some sort of Nirvana, some quiet bliss from “being there, now”. Having a mind free to explore any option, to enjoy the moment in all its simplicity.
I’ve cleared the clutter in my life, first the physical, then the mental but …
Man, I feel … dead. Emotionally, at least. No highs, no lows, no special feeling coming from that internal decluttering. No special internal fire in the belly.
I’m not saying that the mental side of the job is finished, far from it. I feel some old garbage, some unresolved issues coming to the surface. But the state of detachment that one is supposed to reach by silent meditation is not doing it for me.
In fact, I’m now leaning towards the opposite. Obsessive goals. Ones that fuel my fire. Ones that keep me going the extra mile. Ones that get tangible results. Some real world stuff. And the satisfaction of doing physical work. Something manly.
I don’t get that high by meditating. Yes, meditating has helped me “be there, now” more. I notice small details that I did not notice before. I pay more attention to the subtleties, to people, and I take things “slower”. Music sounds better, and gives me goosebumps more frequently. You could say I feel more … on the sensual level. But intellectually and in my balls, nope.
Maybe Zen is helpful in recuperating when The Inner Beast is spent.
But then again, I’m a newbie to this stuff. It’s probably a transitory phase.