T Nation

Training Tips

This is a repost of a classic by Dan McVicker. With all the new folks on the board, some timely training and nutrition tips seemed appopos.

With kudos to Dan:

Remember to concentrate on the basics! What are the basics? Let me enlighten you. There’s one thing that people seem to have forgotten about that’s a staple of a healthy body building routine: Leeches! You eat your canned tuna and vegetables, and lift twice a day, but why has everyone forgotten about the bodybuilding power of bloodletting!??!?!

If you’re having trouble getting enough calories, I reccomend smoking several large bong-loads of marijuana per day. It’s my favorite “supplement”.

Also, people don’t realize that feces is extremely high in vitamins and protein. It’s a common myth that feces is waste. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It’s a super concentrated load of mass building matter. Feces is my second favorite supplement.

People don’t realize that if they’re not huge, it might be because they’re possessed. The solution, of course, is to drill a hole in your head to let the bad spirits out.

Now, corpses’ hair and nails continue to grow after death. This is a known fact. They continue to grow nails and hair because they’re not really dead! these “un-dead” (if you will) are incredible athletes. They have amzing endurance and monumental strength. You’re probably wondering what their secret is. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s as simple as their diet. What do they eat, you ask? It’s very simple: Human brains. Most living people don’t realize the kind of nutritional value an average brain has. But! you don’t have to settle for the mere human brain. The best way to access the power of the “un-dead” is to defeat them in single combat, and eat their brains! This gives you the focused power of all the brains they have ever eaten.

Another great strategy is to break your bones. When you break a bone, your body goes into healing overdrive, so a guaranteed way to add mass to a certain part of your body is to break all the bones in that area! I make sure that my femurs are shattered at all times, and beat the shit out of myself with a sock full of doorknobs in my biceps and chest. I compliment this with a steady intake of 3-27 raw eggs and a stick of butter.

Bees are natures candy. Burning is also highly-underrated. All the protein retention studies are done on burn victims, right? Those guys are in a super-training state!!! Make sure to have your training partner douse you in gasoline after each workout and toss a match on you. Now that’s what I call a “finisher”!!!

Make sure to down some coconut oil after each set. This makes sure to “fat-load” the muscles with precious saturates.

I’m here to dispel the myth that feet are an important part of the human body. People rely on them too heavily, and the result is underdeveloped pecs and biceps. The solution, of course is to bind them like the chineese do to their women. You can then stop relying on your legs, which already contain big muscles that need no further development, and force yourself to focus on achieveing spectacular gains that you only dreamed of previously.

Two words: Mayo-naise. I will gladly provide some zany weblinks to back any and all information in this post. I will also be happy to provide answers to any questions about this information while being sure not to muddle my reply with “logic”, “common sense”, or “facts or evidence”

wtf

Nice one. This is my favourite:

“Two words: Mayo-naise.”

I’ve used it slab on kilograms of fat and can firsthand witness the effectiveness of it’s usage when it comes to building “mass”. :smiley: