[quote]hoosegow wrote:
Oh come on. That’s some funny shit. [/quote]
I’m with you, pretty funny.
[quote]hoosegow wrote:
Oh come on. That’s some funny shit. [/quote]
Yeah, it was. Although, they would be getting more than pitch-forked in the ass this time around.
I’d just like to say again:
It is very funny that in those orders that Australia was referenced in such a good light.
Australia is just plain awesome.
I believe our economy is the only one with a decent chance of not going into recession as well.
All the Aussies are coming back from London after earning all those British pounds since you’re going into a recession which is excellent as we could do with some more cash down under.
Soon the national toast will no longer be God save the Queen. It shall be:
Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!
Oi! Oi! Oi!
Mildly amusing. I hope this doesn’t develop into another “rugby vs. football” thread though.
I must disagree about the beer argument though. America is THE most innovative brewing country in the world, bar none. Although countries like England, Germany and Belgium have excellent beers, they’re content to rely on “tradition” instead of actually inventing something new. In England’s case the ale style prevailed because they didn’t have means of refrigeration. That was cool 500 years ago, but come on you guys, lets get with the now!
America strives to raise the bar and has arguably earned the title of best brewing country in the world. I say this as a Canadian who’s supposed to blindly support Labatt Blue and Moosehead.
As an avid homebrewer, it bugs me that America’s beer is classified as piss worldwide. It’s not.
Japan, on the other hand… 
I find rule 4 quite amusing considering some of the responses here…
[quote]PimpBot5000 wrote:
Mildly amusing. I hope this doesn’t develop into another “rugby vs. football” thread though.
I must disagree about the beer argument though. America is THE most innovative brewing country in the world, bar none. Although countries like England, Germany and Belgium have excellent beers, they’re content to rely on “tradition” instead of actually inventing something new. In England’s case the ale style prevailed because they didn’t have means of refrigeration. That was cool 500 years ago, but come on you guys, lets get with the now!
America strives to raise the bar and has arguably earned the title of best brewing country in the world. I say this as a Canadian who’s supposed to blindly support Labatt Blue and Moosehead.
As an avid homebrewer, it bugs me that America’s beer is classified as piss worldwide. It’s not.
Japan, on the other hand… :-)[/quote]
The best beer comes from Belgium. I love that bit of sourness in the trappist beers.
The title of best beer in the world? HA! Pics or it didn’t happen.
Here’s the rebuttal to the original post
In the light of your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments (most notably the French) and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a commonwealth of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal codes. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London and far more cultural. We believe the main reason why Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II does not fancy Utah is because it will turn her already sagging and dry skin into a rather hard leathery shell. Besides people over the age of 80 just do not know what they are talking about 75% of the time - the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip is a prime example of this and his son Prince Charles is fast following his example. If you want a national figure head appoint someone much younger and far more attractive.
To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are to be introduced with immediate effect:
- Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren’t always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let’s use your “aluminium” example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name “alumium” for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into “aluminum” to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry.
However, we’d like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It’s an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Chester Minor.
The letter ?U" will be removed from words such as ?armour" and ?neighbour". Skipping the letter ?U" is not considered laziness on our part since the correct pronunciation of those words would be ?ar-moo-er" and ?nay-boo-er"
You will also end your love affair with the letter ?S" (and by the way, it is pronounced zee, not zed. The pronunciation ?zee" actually comes from late 17th-century English dialect) and the suffix -ise will be replaced with the suffix -ize.
You also seem to pronounce words horribly wrong, even in your own language. Let?s take Edinburgh for example. You will realize that it is pronounced ?Ed-in-burg", not ?Ed-in-burra". Where does the ?rra come from? If you wish to refer to it still as Edinburgh, we suggest you remove the last two letters and replace them with ?rra.
Cockney rhyming slang will no longer be used, as it is an inefficient way to communicate with another. Say what you mean, there is no need to find another word that rhymes with the word you are trying to say.
-
Since you will switch to the American standard of spelling Microsoft will be notified on your behalf to discontinue the British language pack for the family of Office products.
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Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we’ll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. (Here?s a hint: If you hear the word ?eh" while speaking to someone, this is a clear indication that they are Canadian. Example: Nice weather we?re having, eh?)
You will also have to learn Southern accents. Cops will no longer broadcast subtitles.
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If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don’t rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels”, “Trainspotting”, and “The Full Monty”. We’ve also heard good things about this “Billy Elliot”. But one good movie a year doesn’t exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, your music industry is great. We?ll leave that intact. (The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden and Muse just to name a few). And please stop going on about Shakespeare, the guys been dead for nearly 400 years.
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It is inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies, especially if that monarch has no role other than ceremonially. Let’s not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. Rule Britannia will be the tune with which you will sing your next national anthem to. We will get to work on the lyrics immediately.
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?Football" as you call it will be a permissible pastime, although you will be required to call it soccer. Police officers will be placed at strategic points around the field and riot gear will always be nearby. If you do cause an incident, we will tear your beloved ?Football" away from you faster than you can say ?Bangers and Mash". The NFL will be started in the UK as well as college Football (The American one) teams. We welcome any two of your rugby players to play an American Football player anytime. We will also be happy to show your rugby players how to wear proper protective gear, so they don?t lose brain cells every time they play.
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You will not be allowed to own guns. This is because you fail to see how harmless wooden shields and spears are compared to a weapon capable of firing a projectile at upwards of 1,300 feet per second (Refer to the Anglo-Zulu War). You only pretend to be pompous intellects because you don?t have the testicular fortitude to own a gun, and thus only rely on drive by insults.
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The 5th of November will no longer be celebrated. The 4th of July will replace this celebration and become a nationally recognized holiday, thus reminding you of when 13 of your most productive colonies decided not to recognize you as their ruler.
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We have German cars, and think they are ugly and uncomfortable. British cars will be banned, as they are too small (height wise) for any person to fit into. We will airlift several hundred thousand Pontiacs, Buicks, and Cadillacs. American cars were crap, we agree, in the 70?s until the late 90?s. Since then, American cars are quite well built, very comfortable, and get good gas mileage.
All roundabouts will be replaced with intersections. You will begin to drive on the right side of the road, seeing as the majority of cars that are driven in the world are. You will convert to the American standard (gallons instead of liters). Litre will be spelled Liter.
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Anything fried in animal fat will be banned. (This includes your precious ?chips") Belgium was at one time a part of France, so calling them French fries does not seem too far off. To end confusion, thinly sliced pieces of potato (called crisps in the UK) will be referred to as chips, not crisps. Chips will be called French fries, or more commonly, fries.
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A picture of a Native American will appear inside the state of Massachusetts on all British Tea. He will affectionately be known as ?Bosty".
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American Microbreweries will be established and you will see how Beer is supposed to taste. We do enjoy Killian?s Irish Red though (Good job Ireland, for your recipe at least). That company will be incorporated with Samuel Adams.
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You will no longer be allowed to call it petrol, for it is called gasoline. You will adopt the American pricing standard for it (roughly around 35p/liter).
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The American legal system grows and changes because we don?t live under the impression that our legal system is infallible. We wholeheartedly believe that the British could take a lesson from the way that the Americans respect but don?t worship their legal system. We have a channel called C-SPAN that broadcasts live from our chambers of law (the House and Senate) and occasionally broadcasts British Parliament. We tune to that channel solely to chuckle at how infantile and unorganized your lawmakers are.
We find it especially amusing that our government observes parliamentary procedure whilst (by the way that word is ours now) yours seemingly does not.
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We will tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for the abomination known as ?Teletubbies". Anne Wood will be promptly ordered to pay a fee of $2,500 for any person who suffered psychological abuse due to watching the afore mentioned show.
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Taxes will be imposed on British citizens for all damages incurred by the British during the Revolutionary War and War of 1812.
Thank you for your cooperation.
[quote]PimpBot5000 wrote:
I must disagree about the beer argument though. America is THE most innovative brewing country in the world, bar none. Although countries like England, Germany and Belgium have excellent beers, they’re content to rely on “tradition” instead of actually inventing something new. In England’s case the ale style prevailed because they didn’t have means of refrigeration. That was cool 500 years ago, but come on you guys, lets get with the now!
[/quote]
From what I’ve seen they only drink warm beer in the south. Up north it’s all dark and served cold.
lol@ anyone thinking we’ll ever use the metric system.
they tried it once, no one went along cause we already know the english system.
does it make sense? no. do we care? obviously not. its just one more thing we can use to spawn hate at any country we war with. “THOSE GOD DAMN COMMIES DONT EVEN USE MILES!!” “KILL EM!”
theyre not called “roundabouts” theyre called “rotarys” and theyre here in Boston aka England’s dirty uncle.
Its pronounced Zed not Zee motherfuckers!
Belgian beer is awesome, no doubt. In terms of as a ratio of quality beers to overall beers, Belgium is easily the best in the world. They don’t make piss (although Lambics take some getting used to).
However, I’m speaking more about innovation here. The brewers in Belgium today, by in large, are relying on 400 year old recipes and not really furthering the art of brewing. Some may argue that its best to “stick with tradition”, “don’t fix it if it isn’t broken” and that sort of thing. Fair enough, but I disagree. Nothing is perfect and continuous improvement is always possible. If America opted for tradition, they’d be stuck with the heavy, overbearing ales that the colonists brought over. Thank God they didn’t, though. Innovators like Ben Franklin and Samuel Adams decided to tinker with tradition and as a result make beers far surpassing the swill they started with.
Here are a few examples. Dark Lord Imperial Stout, from Indiana. Russian Imperial Stout is a British style. This has improved upon it greatly
An American India Pale Ale (another British style improved upon)
Russian River “Damnnation” (California). A “Belgian” beer way better than a lot of real Belgian beers
And as a shout-out to my home and native land, Unibroue Trois Pistoles…a Belgian dark ale
[quote]Electric_E wrote:
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
[/quote]
You watched Four Weddings and a Funeral? Looks like somebody has the ghey.
Well, as an Australian living in England, I can tell you, England wouldn’t be any better at running your country that’s FOR SURE.
I agree best beers are Belgian though, especially the trappist, especially the Blue Chimay, oh yeah I can taste it now. And White beers. I do not like English beers but they have good cider here.
Note that this joke is often played on Ozzies too, quite funny. I understand how people get a bit angry at it though.
For everyone getting full of themselves over the war of independence, you need to re-learn your history - and not the American version you have been taught in schools, but the actual facts. USA has a bad habit of writing history the way it wishes it was, instead of how it was. (so does UK actually and in fact, every culture)
[quote]Magarhe wrote:
Well, as an Australian living in England, I can tell you, England wouldn’t be any better at running your country that’s FOR SURE.
I agree best beers are Belgian though, especially the trappist, especially the Blue Chimay, oh yeah I can taste it now. And White beers. I do not like English beers but they have good cider here.
Note that this joke is often played on Ozzies too, quite funny. I understand how people get a bit angry at it though.
For everyone getting full of themselves over the war of independence, you need to re-learn your history - and not the American version you have been taught in schools, but the actual facts. USA has a bad habit of writing history the way it wishes it was, instead of how it was. (so does UK actually and in fact, every culture)
[/quote]
um, we know the important stuff: we won.
[quote]Spry wrote:
Its pronounced Zed not Zee motherfuckers![/quote]
Fuck that.
The first time I heard someone say that, the look of shock on my face could have been mistakened for that of someone who just woke up next to Mike Tyson.
The only thing that really bothered me was the beer remark. There are sooo many great beers in this country it’s silly. Ever since Carter legalized home brewing the micro-brew trend has exploded. I realize the vast majority of these probably don’t find there way overseas, so I’m not surprised America still gets associated with Bud, but really… fuck you for saying our beer sucks!
[quote]Magarhe wrote:
For everyone getting full of themselves over the war of independence, you need to re-learn your history - and not the American version you have been taught in schools, but the actual facts. USA has a bad habit of writing history the way it wishes it was, instead of how it was. (so does UK actually and in fact, every culture)
[/quote]
Did we win our independence or not? Did Cornwallis Surrender, or not?
Which version of history do you subscribe to that contradicts those facts?
[quote]Magarhe wrote:
For everyone getting full of themselves over the war of independence, you need to re-learn your history - and not the American version you have been taught in schools, but the actual facts. USA has a bad habit of writing history the way it wishes it was, instead of how it was. (so does UK actually and in fact, every culture)
[/quote]
Oh god. Please, I’m all ears, educate me. In what ways does the “American” version differ from the one you were taught? Exactly what is this American version, anyways? I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest you haven’t spent much time studying history in an American university.
[quote]Magarhe wrote:
Well, as an Australian living in England, I can tell you, England wouldn’t be any better at running your country that’s FOR SURE.
I agree best beers are Belgian though, especially the trappist, especially the Blue Chimay, oh yeah I can taste it now. And White beers. I do not like English beers but they have good cider here.
Note that this joke is often played on Ozzies too, quite funny. I understand how people get a bit angry at it though.
For everyone getting full of themselves over the war of independence, you need to re-learn your history - and not the American version you have been taught in schools, but the actual facts. USA has a bad habit of writing history the way it wishes it was, instead of how it was. (so does UK actually and in fact, every culture)
[/quote]
Blue Chimay! That is my favourite also. 2 Euros over there but back in Oz its like $10 for a bottle.
I am not that wealthy sadly.