T Nation

To The Citizens of America


#1

To: The citizens of the United States of America

From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years of electing incompetent Presidents of the USA therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


  1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, ane the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

  1. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

  1. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

  1. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

  1. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

  1. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

  1. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

  1. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

  1. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


  1. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

  1. You will cease playing American football. There are only three kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, Australian Rules and rugby (dominated by the Australians). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

  1. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (again World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

  1. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

  1. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

  1. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


#2

how bout we just let Germany bomb the shit out of you again?


#3

I thought it was funny, but I'm also, as an American male, kinda pissed.

And I know it's a joke.

But still.

I'm pissed off now.

To quote Bill Maher:

America is like Jessica Simpson: Sometimes she's so stupid it embarrasses you, but, on the other hand, how about them titties!


#4

Fine, but I'm still celebrating independence day!


#5

haha

Go Sam Adams!


#6

This one made me laugh.


#7

Didn't the formerly Great Britain try this once and get their ass handed to them by a bunch of farmers and merchants?


#8

I think I read about something like that.

Seems rather outlandish. I mean, is America really that badass?

Yes.


#9

Except in 1812.


#10

That was a draw. I call badass again.


#11

Lol this is the best shit ive seen in a while

God save the queen


#12

I was going to say something but he beat me to it.


#13

Considering that we faced the greatest military machine in the world at that time we didn't do too badly. Andy Jackson killed a fuck ton of Red coats at the Battle of New Orleans. I believe we were outnumbered something like 3 to 1.


#14

Oh come on. That's some funny shit.


#15

I actually take great offence to this. American beers are not all diluted piss water. There are some GREAT American beers.

Bud light is not the official beer of America.


#16

if theres 1 thing America is exceptionally good at, its warfare.


#17

Weird thing is, when I was in the UK a couple of years ago all the club trash were drinking Budweiser and paying the equivalent of $5 a bottle for it. They had some of the most wonderful stouts and bitters in the world and they chose to drink over-priced American piss water.


#18

haha that was pretty good. I don't think american football is that bad though, not that i understand the game

Hurry up and use the metric system


#19

That is not her correct title. As an Aussie I would call her:
Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth

Finally the yanks will learn how to spell correctly.

Common sense must prevail! However roundabouts require intelligence to navigate and road accidents might sharply increase.

Almost. 'crisps' shall be called 'potato chips' distinguishable from 'chips'.

It is true. All those who live in blighty secrety want to live in Australia. We are the greatest country of the commonwealth and soon we shall take over the Crown.

Bloody oath, mate. The Queen should provide Oz with a payment for our sporting and brewing prowess.

Not to mention everythings better down under.

ANZAC biscuits are mandatory.

But who will save the Governer-General?


#20

As part of the Commonwealth you'd be expected to help your other Commonwealth nations.

You wouldn't get to wait it out like before.