T Nation

To Hell In a Handbasket

This is the talk of my hometown. It is so bizarre I had to post it, reguardless of embarrassment. Enjoy!


Additional charges unlikely for picnic pair
by SHELDON COMPTON
Staff Writer

PRESTONSBURG ? Melissa Coleman, the Pike County woman arrested along with Ohio native Anthony Scott Ward for allegedly engaging in a sexual act near a kid?s playground at Archer Park on Memorial Day, is a child therapist employed with Mountain Comprehensive Care, the agency verified yesterday.
Personnel representatives with Mountain Comprehensive Care said they could not comment on reports that moves were being made to replace Coleman following her arrest this past Monday, but did verify that Coleman?s position took her back and forth from MCC?s Pikeville and Prestonsburg locations.
Coleman, 27, was arrested along with 40-year-old Ohio Wal-Mart manager Anthony Scott Ward Tuesday afternoon after Prestonsburg police recieved a call reporting a possible domestic abuse situation taking place at the park.
When police arrived, they reported finding the pair engaged in what Floyd County Attorney Keith Bartley said could best be described as ?rough foreplay?. Police said they found Ward allegedly using a boat oar to beat and spank Coleman, who was bound with leather straps on a picnic table about 15 feet from where children were playing in a nearby park.
Bartley said a charge of indecent exposure wasn?t applicable in this situation.
?They had apparently just got started when the police got there,? Bartley said. ?So they stopped them before they had a chance to get too far. They were just basically engaged in rough foreplay. It was good that they got there before anything else could happen, but, as a result, they only get the disorderly charge and we don?t have enough to prosecute them on anything more than maybe a concealed weapons charge, and that?s sad.?
Bartley said his office was considering possibly tacking on a charge of carrying a concealed deadly weapon after viewing the items confiscated after Coleman and Ward were taken into custody on separate charges of disorderly conduct.
Among those items were a set of black and red ceremonial hoods, a pair of Smith and Wesson handcuffs, at least two prosthetic sexual devices, several tackle boxes full of small bondage items such as leather strings and straps, various lengths of rope, chains and various collars with a loose assortment of ring- and clamp-like fixtures.
Also logged into the evidence locker at the Prestonsburg Police Department was a boat oar that had been cut and modified to half its original size, a horse-whip, a hand-held cattle prod, various types of lubricant and numerous electrical items, including various sets of small, vibrating clamps.
Excluding the roughly two-foot long horse-whip, the items had been stored in a backpack, police said. A single condom, intially overlooked, was found in a side-pocket of the backpack late yesterday afternoon.
Prestonsburg Assistant Chief-of-Police Stan Farler said the county attorney?s office may have some trouble getting the additional weapons charge when considering the exhaustive investigative efforts already approached by his department.
?I don?t think they can get the weapons charge,? Farler said. ?We looked through everything in KRS [Kentucky Revised Statutes] and couldn?t find anything to charge them with other than disorderly conduct.?

Its a good thing they’re not wasting their time on real criminals.


And the winners are…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And the funniest part is that they’re ugly as fuck.

I’d tap that ass…with a friggin boat oar.

Really though, a cattle prod?

Also, did the article mention that the man was actually wearing a black leather mask, complete with zipper mouth, when arrested? Yep. It’s true.
[Groove will dig this]

Scary.

Well, I knew eventually the members of Pooh’s club would get caught.
It’s just a good thing pooh had already cleared out by the time the cops got there
:slight_smile: Groove

Does anyone else find this outstandingly hilarious?

groove: you’ve found me out! What can I say?

Hark: exactly. This is an instant classic. It will go down in town history.

Oh yeah, I dig the “single condom” line.

By all means, practice S&M/Bondage in broad daylight, in a public park on Memorial day, but for the luva a God, don’t forget to practice safe sex!

These sexy bastards have a bright future ahead of them in the adult film industry.

“I’m the daddy.” Smack!

Only out west can a thing like this happen. Funny stuff pooyha…

Bumpsy for the 9 to 5’s.

I had this image of Melissa being a taut, young, smooth skinned vixen. I thought “perhaps a girl like that could get me to don a leather mask and endure a hearty spanking on a picnic table in broad daylight.” Then I realized I was talking outloud and my co-workers were staring at me. I should have scrolled down to see the pic before letting my imagination get carried away.

:slight_smile:

OMG! While reading that I was thinking it was kinda cool and that more people should enjoy the great outdoors but upon scrolling to the pics, I about lost my lunch. There is nothing, nothing as "de"stimulating as that mental picture I got.