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Thoughts on Getting Married

I’m getting married in a couple of months.

I’m a headstrong and independent person and have been that way all my life. For most of my 27 years, I believed I’d never get married and settle down - I had a vision for my future, and a wife, kids and domestication were not part of that picture.

Then 4 years back I met an absolute angel who loves me for the madman I am, and everything changed. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her, have a family, and altogether have a different life than I had envisioned when younger.

That’s me 95 percent of the time.

The other 5 percent of the time, I think about what I’m giving up, namely the general freedom to do what I want all the time and all that entails.

Now, these thoughts are not casting the slightest shadow of a doubt over me getting married. She brings so much into my life, and I’m ready and I want it - and without question we will have a wonderful life together.

But I’m sure I’m not Robinson Crusoe in my ‘5 percent’ thoughts. Maybe it’s part of being guy, maybe it’s a grass is greener thing, maybe it’s just life.

For you guys who’ve been there and done that, any advice, thoughts, experiences, how it’s changed (if at all) over the years, the impact of kids etc?

(Minor edits)

Been there…done it. You’re fucked.

[quote]Rockscar wrote:
Been there…done it. You’re fucked.[/quote]

Wait, I thought about what I just said…and I retract that statement. You have a 50-50 chance to be fucked.

Seriously, 27, and ready is a good time. Hopefully you both want the same things in life, and stand on the same moral ground.

Anything you do is a risk, and if you feel like it’s only a 5% risk, then you are in good shape.
Have to agree with Rockscar though, be sure you want the same things out of life and marriage, and make sure that both of you understand the meaning of compromise.

All I can say about marriage is you need to learn when to say we and not I and when to demand I and not we… And respect the other when they do the same.

Lots of luck.

I’m married now even though I haven’t seen my wife in over a year now.

I knew this person for 8 years then we got married and found out she wasn’t the person I thought she was and I guess it was the same for her.

You never know someone until its too late. What’s weird is she wants nothing to do with me but shes fighting a divorce.

All I know is I will never do that again, ever.

What makes you think she won’t change once you’re married? Oh, you’re the exception, right. :wink:

There is no point to getting married. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship and in love, you don’t need a marriage certificate.

For many women, that marriage certificate is the “end game.” Once they have you trapped, EVERYTHING changes. Just talk to some married men about The Change.

But you’ll just ignore whatever people tell you, so I’ve typed enough.

[quote]CaliforniaLaw wrote:
What makes you think she won’t change once you’re married? Oh, you’re the exception, right. :wink:

There is no point to getting married. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship and in love, you don’t need a marriage certificate.

For many women, that marriage certificate is the “end game.” Once they have you trapped, EVERYTHING changes. Just talk to some married men about The Change.

But you’ll just ignore whatever people tell you, so I’ve typed enough.[/quote]

You typed more than enough…

[quote]CaliforniaLaw wrote:
There is no point to getting married. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship and in love, you don’t need a marriage certificate.[/quote]

That’s just about the way I see it. In my opinion, the whole institution of marriage is becoming a bit redundant nowadays. Economic reasons, social recognition of the relationship or the necessity for some sort of approval by a religious or civil body don’t play a major role in the majority of cases anymore.

Why bind two people together by legal contract who should be able to get along without one in the first place and who shouldn’t be together if they don’t? At least in Austria, the legal situation provides sufficient security for children whose parents are not married as well, so that’s no definitive reason either.

Not to say that there aren’t any exceptions, but I’ve seen this happen on several occasions as well.

Hahahahahah, so OP how you feeling now?

[quote]CaliforniaLaw wrote:
What makes you think she won’t change once you’re married? Oh, you’re the exception, right. :wink:

There is no point to getting married. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship and in love, you don’t need a marriage certificate.

For many women, that marriage certificate is the “end game.” Once they have you trapped, EVERYTHING changes. Just talk to some married men about The Change.

But you’ll just ignore whatever people tell you, so I’ve typed enough.[/quote]

This worries me. I’m nearing the 4 year mark with my current girlfriend and obviously the hints are slowly popping up here and there. Sooner or later I will have to let her know I’m not interested in getting legally married.

Jeepers guys, surprised at all the negative views on marriage - and yes, I’ve been on these forums long enough not to expect a unanimous chorus of ‘go for it’. But as CaliLaw said it - I wasn’t looking for any reassuring, just your opinions. So I appreciate them.

I was more interested in discussing ‘the transition’ from being single to being married.

But since the points were raised, let’s have a roll:

I heard and read about ‘the change’ many times. She and I have the same values and want the same things from life. That may change in the future, but I doubt it. Of course there’s always a risk, but that’s with pretty much the case anything worthwhile you do in life.

We are fortunate to have around us in our lives examples of couples who are happily married, and those that make it work are a great thing to witness. I know, as Rockscar says, the stats say it’s about a 50-50 chance.

Whilst I can see the argument that marriage is an outdated concept within society in general, I also think that each couple provides their own meaning to the act. It’s a gesture, an intangible, an idea - but so are some of the important things we do in other spheres of our lives.

And I just like the idea of being able to say, ‘This is my wife’.

Also (and I’m aware the floodgates may open with this one) I have a personal belief that children growing up with married parents feel a greater sense of security (and all that entails in terms of their development), than with parents who are unmarried and yet otherwise identical in every other way.

I don’t have a problem with people disagreeng with that - I have close friends who are unmarried and have children, and that’s cool. But it’s not a choice I’d make for myself.

(Edited for clarity)

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

[quote]Mick28 wrote:

Like the old joke goes: Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Okay seriously, you have to realize that these guys are just trying to be cool. Keep in mind the sort of sight that you’re on. They have to say what they’re saying…what if someone said. I love my wife and getting married was the best thing that ever happened to me. My wife and I share most things in life and it’s just great.

You see?

That’s not very T-Manly now is it?

Forget what everyone …at least on this sight…has to say. I mean you might be giving this sight too much credit. Keep in mind they have things like “ass worship” threads…you know what I’m saying? If you went over to the “Ladies Home Journal” sight you would get a far different view of marriage. But then again I guess that would be as twisted in one direction as this sight is in the other.

Hey…here’s an idea…

If you’ve found someone that you love and that loves you for who you are …go get married. You don’t need the approval or opinion of anyone on this sight.

In the end “marriage” is not good or bad, it’s both. Just like anything else it’s the people involved that can either make it good or bad.

[/quote]

And get a prenup.

I love being married. I love going to bed together each night and waking up together every morning. He’s my best friend, how lucky is it that we get to do that?

We have similar basic values. Where we diverge, I think we each add something to the team the other needs. I’m more compassionate, he’s more driven. We’re good for each other. I’m more ambitious than I may otherwise have been because I don’t want to disappoint him. He’s nicer, probably because he doesn’t want to listen to me talk about it when he’s not.

I love that we know all the same people. I love that I get to have his family in addition to mine, though they’re a bunch of irritating weirdos. I love the family we’ve built of our own. I love that when I get hurt or outraged I can report it to him, and he’ll be suitably upset, or pretend to be.

I love watching TV curled up against him, it’s like a drug to me. I love that we have a thousand shared jokes. I love that I don’t feel the need to censor myself when I’m with him.

We’ve been married for years. Forever, it feels like. When he gives me a bear hug and says “God, I love you,” I still nearly die of pleasure.

HELL NO WE WONT GO!!! HELL NO WE WONT GO!!!

[quote]Mick28 wrote:

Hey…here’s an idea…

If you’ve found someone that you love and that loves you for who you are …go get married. You don’t need the approval or opinion of anyone on this sight.

In the end “marriage” is not good or bad, it’s both. Just like anything else it’s the people involved that can either make it good or bad.

[/quote]

Read my post again mate, I’m not looking for approval from anyone, let alone total strangers on an internet forum. And I realise many of the responses thrown around were guys talking like guys talk. That’s cool, kinda why I like this place. Just wanted to get a discussion going on about the changes a guy goes through when he gets married.

EmilyQ, great post. We have a lot of what you describe (as I’m sure a lot of other couples do even before marriage). Never knew relationships like this even existed until she came along.

Re: a pre-nup, she makes almost twice what I do.

Marriage is what the two people make it, good or bad.

[quote]justrob wrote:
Just wanted to get a discussion going on about the changes a guy goes through when he gets married.
[/quote]

There are two elements to your original post:

  1. Getting married,
  2. Having a family.

While going from boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife is life changing, it is in subtle ways. On the other hand, having a family is life changing in earth shaking ways. If you love this woman and want her to be yours, when you have kids, be prepared to share her a lot.

[quote]Mick28 wrote:
Okay seriously, you have to realize that these guys are just trying to be cool.
[/quote]
Which posts do you mean and why?