T Nation

Things you must do to get buffed


#1

Well I have only been working out now for 4 years or so. This last year though is when I started making some incredible gains, 20+ lbs. After dilligently working my training ideas on other people I thought I would share them with you, so be prepared. If you want to get big and buffed I'm about to tell you the secret how, and NO you will not have to lift any heavier then what your doing now, your probably won't need to lift at all. Just follow these strict guidelines and I promise you will get big. So here you go, the things you must do to get big.

-You must wear a wife beater under a super tight ripped thermal which will also be located under a flannel that has its arms and collar ripped off. Yes it must be in this order as well.
-Carry around a huge 5 gallon jug of water with you in the gym, but make sure that you never fill it up at home, always do it at water fountain at your local gym at 6:00pm on Monday night.
- Along with the 5 gal jug carry around a duffel bag that you can fit your g/f into, but only store your towel in there that the guy at the front desk gives you.
- Never ever wipe off the sweat from the machine you just used. The sweat that you just left will give the next guy added pump.
- Make sure that when you run to never wear the proper running shoes. You must have big black combat boots, it will help create mass.
- If you cannot find the boots then you must wear Otomix shoes. If every pro bodybuilder wears them then you should do. After all these shoes are specifically made to be able to lift weight in them.
- Last but not least Whenver you lift any weight, no matter how heavy it is... you must grunt like a elephant. If you cannot do the elephant grunt then I suggest you stay at home and practice, because this will be the foundation of this program.
- This last one only applies to you if you own GNC. You must never ever, ever , ever workout or attempt to get fit if you own a GNC. That way when you try to explain to your customers what each product does you know what your talking about.
If you have any other tips to get big let me know.

Thanks


#2

dont forget you have to stay on one machine for an hour at a time and give advice to the people who need it the least


#3

Not to mention flop the weights around like a goon because form, control and TUT are for sissies. It's all about poundage, baby!
Bolo, are you the Guest Atomic Dawg this week?


#4

I used to work in a GNC run by an absentee owner who show only on Sundays to pick up the books. He was a stereotypical WASP middle ager - red 'Vette (white man's penis extension), cowboy boots, etc...and he always wore this damn muscle shirt with some GNC conference logo on it. Of course, the shirt nicely complimented his hairy, flabby 13" howitzers - when the light his his tricep cellulite just right it'd look like striations. Chest hair poking out the top of the neck, you know it.


#5

uhhh, you forgot about the most important part of getting REAL huge, rest! YOu should do a set, and then walk around for at least 5 to 6 minutes, giving you time to look at yourself, hit on the chicks and give you bragging rights for having been at the gym for 3 1/2 hours


#6

It's a shame T-Mag didn't reveal those real secrets to get huge. We have a guru like that at my gym who shared his secret training with me and I think I will pass it to you. All exercice's tempo is 0.5/0/0.5. You do 10 sets of each: 1- Super swing EZ-Barbell curl Use the EZ barbell and load it with at least 45's at first to warm up. The goal here is not to curl the bar, because your elbow is steady at a 90 degree angle. The only thing that moves is your upper arm, helped with a swing movement. ** 2- 6 inches bending bar bench press ** Bench press but the bar goes down only 6 inches. With that range of motion, you can load the bar until it bends, and it really impresses the babes SUPERSET WITH ** 3-Trampoline Bench Press ** Bench press but allow the bar to bump on your chest, let the gravity do the work! This movement is separated in 2. a) let the bar fall on you chest and bump up a couple of inches then b) let your spotter lift it back up in the starting position. Again, you can load the bar and be a real man. Stay tuned for other exciting exercices like "6 inches squats", "6 inches leg press", and "Super swing dumbell kickbacks"


#7

Don't forget the most important bench press technique - use your legs to lift your ass 6 inches off the bench when pushing up. Also, never breathe until you finish a set.


#8

Gee whiz Andre, all this time I thought those guys swinging the EZ bars were doing supine-grip hang cleans. I saw another good one at the gym last night: super-swinging one-arm side delt raises (of course each rep accompanied with the compulsory blood-curdling scream).


#9

an effective training concept that helped me improve my strength 2 fold in 1 week is what i call the 'simonengarfunkel program'.(relatively minor mass increases though). The key with this is that you and your training partner work simultaneously on the same bar/dumbell... For example, when doing barbell curls, your partner stands in front of you and you both try to curl the bar at the same time. I guarantee immediate weight increases!

Another concept me and my partner use is what I call the 'Peter Pan Principle'. This focuses on using your training clothes to increase strength. I like to wear a green tanktop, spandex pants and velcro shoes. I also shave the top of my head and always tuck my pants into my shoes! Everyone stares when I twirl the bent bar like numchuks!!!

I've also been told that bathing regularly reduces the oils on your skin, reducing testosterone levels dramatically. For some reason the gym seems alot emptier when i'm on this program too...

Good luck and let me know how you did!


#10

I overheard this at the gym last week and thought I would pass it on. One thing you should NOT do if you want to get huge is dips...and if you do try them, DO NOT do them at the beginning of the workout. See, according to the expert I overheard, dips work the small muscles, and small muscles should be worked last in the workout. First you should do exercises that aren't as specific as dips. Trust me guys, after watching this expert then proceed to bang out three sets of 8 swinging-dumbell kickbacks with 20lb dumbells at that familiar .5-0-.5 tempo, it's obvious we should take his advice!


#11

One thing that has always helped me conserve energy for that grueling workout is to make sure I sit in my idling car and wait until a parking space close to the front door opens up, instead of parking one row over and walking an extra 50 feet(Im trying to cut down on my cardio you know).Then I park my fat-ass Suburban over the yellow lines so no one else can park next to me.Afterall,I need to be fully energized so that I can grab those 20lb dumbells,stand right in front of the rack,and do my swinging curls so that no one else can get near and grab any of the other weights.Then I'll finish up by making a phone call and not wiping my sweat off the receiver.I figure that by some sort of osmosis,other members will absorb my sweat through their earholes and in turn become as awesome as I think I am.