T Nation

There is a War Going on Inside


There is a war going on inside that I cannot escape from. It keeps me tormented and conflicted through days and nights. Restless, I cannot find satisfaction. I am without relaxation. I feel inadequate and subpar, at the same time, must fight and justify myself.

I have a lack of accomplishment that satisfies myself, I have a need to actualize myself, be real, be whole. I can hide behind booze, or blame it on women but anyways about it, the unidentifoiable yearning doesn't go away.

I need something more, to reach an ultimate level, a self-creation into some identifiable perfection; mentally, spiritually and physically. This force within me is suicidal, it is self-destructive. It won't stop no matter what happens, there seems to never be peace. A limitless, starving ambition.

I don't know how to reach the level, that will satisfy it. This suffering seems to be endless.


I can't get past the boss in the 3rd level. I tried reading the walkthrough but they said to do the shotgun to the head + uppercut combo 12x to defeat him.

HOWEVER, inorder to kill those flying things you need the shotgun, and since there are 4 of them even if you kill each one with only one shot, it only leaves you with 10 shotgun rounds.

so either i'm missing something here, or my game is bugged.


No man you'll have to take a right turn right before those flying fuckers, there's shotgun shells there. You'll have plenty of ammo to defeat the boss.


Every day one of my meals has salmon, coconut oil and pumpkin seeds. I always finish the salmon and oil really fast and then get distracted by something and forget about the seeds.

This happens consistently. I wonder if I have a subconscious aversion to pumpkin seeds.


This sounds like a perfect beginning for a book. Start writing. It helps reduce stress, it expands your creative ability and it will give you a sense of accomplishment. Your writing style is good, BTW.


Perhaps I am just unfamiliar with SpartanX but is anyone else a little concerned that this may be a suicidal person's cry for help?


Some have said that humans possess a distinct purpose and mission for their life on earth. Until one finds the various pathways and lifestyles that will fulfill that mission a deep yearning for more and a desire to indulge in escapist tendencies of all sorts will persist. Along with this is the distinct feeling of running out of time.

All paths and lifestyles ultimately lead to the intangible, to nothing, to impermanence of one form or another. The real question is if the paths you walk have a heart. This is not as mysterious as it sounds.

A path with heart is something you look forward to doing and you feel stronger from doing it. Its a path that makes you eager to get out of bed and get to it. All your jobs and hobbies and relationships are paths. Systematically remove the habits that you dread with ruthless abandon and replace them with new habits until you are firm in the feeling that your life is purposeful and on the right track.

Excuses and objections are the refuge of the weak. There will always be a reason why dumping a habit, a job, or a friend is wrong or cruel or a mistake or just too difficult but life is not without a price and if you possess one thing it is because you have refused another.

You will always have a path and a choice. Fight to stretch beyond the dullness of escapism and repetitious comfort zones and explore life until all your paths have a heart. A heart that in the end will be true to yourself and yourself alone.


There is definitely a war going on inside me as well. I shouldn't have eaten that mexican food that's been in my fridge for a week and a half. The results will be catastrophic in the near future.


This thread has enormous potential...


I'm not sure if you're being funny, talking about a video game, or actually looking to find your purpose in life. Assuming you are trying to find your purpose, consider the following link as a great place to start - http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/01/how-to-discover-your-life-purpose-in-about-20-minutes/.

The rest of the site is pretty good too.


Each day I attain a new self-actualization that is ever-evolving. Through this continual process of re-evaluation I have discovered new synergies within my being that lead to an eventual prevarication of my internal deficiencies, ultimately resulting in perpetual spiritual augmentation.

The best means of this attainment is through the ritualistic shaving of my testicles by a zoroastrian nursemaid. It is quite breathtaking. I suggest you try it.



k. Now, write a new note, this one to yourself, apologizing for missing out on years of happiness because you tried to be so perfect for everybody and yourself.


EXACTLY...Took the words right out of my mouth.



i feel u negro.. i chose to be as i was as a child, happy. living in the moment and not letting things get to me.

the animals have it right, play poop eat and sleep. everything else is bullshit..


I remember when my father brought home some play poop. We had fun for hours with that.





Hey when's God of War III coming out? I can't wait to play it.


The goal is total spiritual creaminess my friends.



I suppose if I would have thrown in a piece on how this relates to my physical training and desire for adonis like perfection, my romanticism would be easier to digest and lauded.

I'm saying, I'm dissatisfied, if I train more, I just feel like I'm missing a new element. My ambition is such that it is painful, I can't sleep at night at times. This energy is new and real, and I have to apply it to total excellence.

To me this fatalistic energy, is the only true means to transcend a physical and characteristic poverty, no matter what I will never satisfied. Like a Samurai, or a Stoic Legionairre, I'd rather lock jaw life like a cold blooded animal in a mortal struggle, than remain subservient to a mediocre path and die old and weak. I cannot sit by and do nothing anymore, for any moment, there can be no rest. I must write about it, think about it, do upon it, be about; this masculine spirit which infects my whole being, forces me to embark upon a true henosis with the one true God (whatever he is.) God drops test, lifts weights, and stares cowards dead in the eyes while he fucks them in the chest with an innocent blade, until their heart dies of thirst, for nothing left to pump.

I'm in an insurrection against the invertabrate nature and cowardice, I've been taught throughout my life.


Where's that Chang guy, or whatever his name was? We need his philosophical expertise in this thread.