T Nation

Them Fat Personal Trainers

So, I’ve just come back from a pretty amazing holiday, was in New York shopping like a crazy fool and then went cruising down the Caribbean for a week…sweet!
Anyway your probably thinking ‘what in the fuck does that have to do with fat personal trainers’ right!?

Well, whilst on my boat trip I was using the gym, which despite the fact of a bench press and squat rack absence (for obvious boat wobbling reasons) it was pretty good for a gym on a boat, anyway after training one of the days I was slurping down a few BCAA’s and a protein shake reading about how the trainers on the ship provide a Body Composition Analysis, that’d be water retention, body fat, lean mass all that stuff…I was naturally curios and signed on!

One of the two trainers on the boat was a good bodybuilder, a many time runner up in the Mr Australia and various other comp’s, the other was a little er, well lets say not fat but just, lets say he liked his food!

Anyway the day came for my test and I was hoping it’d be the good testing me not the bad and the ugly! It was infact the bad and the ugly!

It began by a brief chat in which he was kind of impressed by my knowledge of the sport and how the body functions etc. and likewise, after all he’d done a few degrees in sport and diet related courses, after the small talk we moved onto BF testing, prior to the test he was telling me how ‘to test body fat accurately you need to take measurements from 400 spots and in each spot from either side of the bone’ I giggled like a schoolgirl in his face when he said this! But I was also extremely intrigued to find out my BF percentage to the millionth decimal point. After saying all that crap he goes ‘are ya ready?’

He whips out this machine, BioDynamics its called, he sticks 4 patches on me, hooks these little plier like things to them, enters my weight and just like that the man knows every last little detail about me. What about the 400 spots for bf testing I ask him? 'Oh well whilst its really accurate its really time consuming, no shit!

Anyway according to my results I was a healthy chap, but I was holding onto a bit of water and in order to get the water retention down he was prescribing a 6 - 9 month detox plan! Grand how hard could it be? Well he explained the plan a little more and pulls out four little bottles…

‘these are the tablets you’ll need to use for the plan’ he says,
I reply ‘Oh, are they really’
‘Yep’ he says
‘Just out of curiosity how much does this detox plan cost?’ I ask
‘For 9 months 900 dollars, for 6 months 600’
I stare at him for with a crooked eye as if to say, you prick, wasting my time!!

I said thanks but no thanks!
Fuckin salesman!

Moral of the story, no matter how many courses he may have done and how much knowledge in his head, he was no more than a salesman using this test to push this product and I should have been the wiser!

Dr Nick: Holy smokes! …You need booze!