T Nation

The Truth and Nothing But the Truth


#1

Abortion: "For liberals, a human life begins at the precise moment the person starts filling out his first application for a government job."

Airline security: "Six imams removed from a US Airways flight from Minneapolis to Phoenix are calling on Muslims to boycott the airline. If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether."

Bill Clinton: "Clinton's library is the first one to ever feature an Adults Only section."

Jimmy Carter: "Here's a foolproof method for keeping America safe. Always do the exact 180-degree opposite of whatever Jimmy Carter says as quickly as possible."

Illegal Aliens: "I am the illegal alien of commentary. I do the jokes that no one else will do."

Liberals: "You know you're doing something right when you've reduced hordes of liberals to blind, sputtering rage."

--- Ann Coulter


#2

"Canada sent troops to Vietnam"

--

Ann Coulter


#3

A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out.
Bill Maher

Apparently Bob Dole's new election strategy is to find a Republican policy so stupid, even Clinton won't copy it.
Bill Maher

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
Bill Maher

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.
Bill Maher

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
Bill Maher

George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book.
Bill Maher

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.
Bill Maher

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
Bill Maher

I mean, I think, Iraqis, I think, feel that if we drove smaller cars, maybe we wouldn't have to kill them for their oil.
Bill Maher

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
Bill Maher

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Bill Maher

If you think you have it tough, read history books.
Bill Maher

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
Bill Maher

It's all been satirized for your protection.
Bill Maher

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
Bill Maher

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
Bill Maher

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
Bill Maher

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
Bill Maher

Men are only as loyal as their options.
Bill Maher

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.
Bill Maher

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
Bill Maher

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."
Bill Maher

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
Bill Maher

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
Bill Maher

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'
Bill Maher

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
Bill Maher

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
Bill Maher

The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain.
Bill Maher

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
Bill Maher

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
Bill Maher

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.
Bill Maher

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.
Bill Maher

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.
Bill Maher

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.
Bill Maher

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
Bill Maher

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Bill Maher

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
Bill Maher

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
Bill Maher

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.
Bill Maher

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window.
Bill Maher

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher


#4

Do I win?


#5

Yup, you're the winner.


#6

This is one hell of an interesting quote - in a disturbing kind of way.

Thanks for sharing.


#7


The real reason behind HH's puppy-like love of Ann Coulter.


#8

Bill Maher - Republicans think sex is bad, because for them it always is.

Bill Maher - Don't be mistaken, this is a real threat we face. Our enemy strikes intermittently. To them this is but one page in a thousand year war - The USA is just the latest group of crusaders in their eyes. (paraphrased because for the life of me I can't remember his wording).

Bill Maher - The steps of the world's giant should be so soft that nobody can hear them?! We have the power of Rome, and the crime is you are eating our crappy fast food?!

Bill Maher - Asking an Arab man at the airport to go through additional screening is not like pulling over a black man for driving a nice car.

Bill Maher - Political correctness is almost always the opposite of common sense.

Bill Maher - The democrats don't represent me on this issue, because they support Civil Unions. Because polls show Americans think gay marriage threatens their marriage. Why? We don't know that yet.

Bill Maher (related to above quote) - We're either all drinking out of the same water fountain in this country, or we're not.

Bill Maher - There is nothing about preferring the high of painkillers that makes you morally superior to someone who prefers the high of beer, or pot, or crack.

Bill Maher - American foreign policy and the Palistinian situation are the "my dog ate my homework" and "my parents screwed me up" of political excuses. I am so tired of hearing about the brutality of America's foreign policy from a culture that conquered the world in a century. They say Islam means peace, and I know to hundreds of millions it does, but it is also a religion that was a born a conquerer.

Bill Maher - The relevant comparison between the united states and the Muslim world should be between our time of ascendancy, now, to their time of ascendancy, the late middle ages. How compassionate was the foreign policy of the Selgic Turks? Or the Abasid Califit during the time they were carrying the big stick? It's easy to claim moral superiority when you are a powerless nation. Hey, without that the UN would just be a lot of black guys with good parking spots in New York. It's easy to be a powerless country and have lofty unattainable ideals, that's all you have.

Bill Maher - America has the option to settle nearly everything with brute force, but it doesn't. Like we couldn't just take the oil? Please. I'm not saying that makes us saints for passing on the absolute lowest options, I'm saying that among the Selgic turks "should we take the oil?" is not even a discussion.

Bill Maher - Our soldiers are in your holy land? Your warlords are in your sister's bedroom.

Doug Stanhope - Next to every antiabortion billboard there should be a pro sodomy bill board. "Take one in the fanny, save money on a nanny."

Doug Stanhope - I don't have kids, maybe I'd feel different if I did, but when people have kids they get that genetic defect that makes them want to protect, but make other people like the government do it for them.

Doug Stanhope - I apologize, I use the word faggot too liberally, but I use it as a word of weakness, I attach no sexuality to the word. ... If you're in here and you're gay, I apologize, but it's too strong of a word to let go, faggot is a good word.

Doug Stanhope - Anybody who defines themselves soley on their race, religion or their nationality. If that's the first thing out of their mouth, if that's the first thing on their myspace page, "well, I'm an irish american..." What is that? You got nothing else, got community college and fucking trivia cause you got nothing to say.

Doug Stanhope (talking about the over diagnosis of A.D.D.)- "I was terrified when my doctor told me I had a unique and interesting personality trait.."


#9

Bill Maher - We do it all the time, we legislate taste with the tax code. Churches, and children get a tax break because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't, I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children.

Bill Maher - If it's your opinion that having children is the greatest thing a person can do, many would agree with you, but still it's only your opinion and there shouldn't be a prejudice against single people. And single people know, in the workplace there certainly is.

Bill Maher - Relgion to me is beurocracy between man and god that I don't need.

Bill Maher - When did children become so important? What about PEOPLE? You know, the veterans of childbirth?

Bill Maher - Reality television is not good clean fun, its cruelty and people enjoying cruelty. It's ostracism, it reminds me of cruelty. Every show is "you're off hte island", "your singing sucks", "you're not hot enough". Sometimes the politicians say "if only we had a government as good as the people". Really? Which people? These assholes? Because these people are not good. And it's funny, sometimes I watch the news at night and it's always Iraq the lead story, and no matter what you think about how we got there, you gotta give it up for these kids, they're there and the mission itself is hard enough but then theres all sorts of backdoor drafts where they extend their tours. All these Enron accounting tricks so Rumsfeld doesn't have to admit he got the troop levels wrong, and still they don't bug out, and I see this and then I watch a reality show. I see people who are peevish, and selfish and greedy and narcissistic and lazy and stupid and I think to myself, "why is this first group of people defending this second group of people?".


#10

How'd my thread turn into a Bill Maher thread? Hijackers!!!

Funny stuff, though Annie is WAAAAAAAAAY more intelligent than Bill. Bill qualifies as a lib.


#11

Are you implying that Beowolf wants to play 'hide the weenie' with Bill Maher? I mean, look how many quotes he has pinched from somewhere.

Yup, Wolfie, you 'win'.


#12

I've never actually met someone in real life who reads Ann Coulter. I would've thought anyone who actually cared about America would have realized by 25, let alone 45, that vicious partisanship and cable TV screamers are a big part of what's ruining democacy in this country.

Not to mention, as far as offensive humor goes, Sarah Silverman is more attractive and much funnier.


#13

He's very quotable.

He likes to qualify HIMSELF as a libertarian, but definitely agree with you. He has many double standards regarding the role/efficacy of government. If you read/listen to "When you ride alone you ride with Bin Laden..." and compare it to more recent work, there does seem to be a major shift in his thinking (he stated for example "safety first at any cost" but definitely would have some exceptions to that rule now [bill of rights]

I'd throw up some Ann Coulter quotes but I'm never sure when she's being serious or not, and it's fucking always terribly bigoted.

Although her air port security statement that you posted does at least open a door for discussion, time (in my opinion) to start profiling more heavily especially at the airports. The arab is more likely than the 82 year old granny to take down the jet, common sense.


#14

A few Ann Coulter gems;

My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building.

We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war.


And you wonder why we quoted other people?

Here's a few from her that are actually not detestable (these were hard to find):

Democrats couldn't care less if people in Indiana hate them. But if Europeans curl their lips, liberals can't look at themselves in the mirror.

I've decided to cut out the part of the speech where I say anything nice about Democrats.

The Democrats have no actual policy proposals of their own unless constant carping counts as a policy.


#15

Disagree. Its irrelevant how many Arabs have done what, or who else is around at the time. Profiling is still wrong.

I think I read somewhere that white men are most likely to be child molesters. Would you be comfortable with the cops pulling you over/searching you/etc based on your skin color? (Yes, I'm making the assumption that you're a white male. If you are not, I apologize. But the point remains.)


#16

But more affective than our current system. The idea of "random" in and of itself is a failure. We really need to take a page from Israel on this one.

If I was driving circles around a parking lot with smarties on a fishing line trying to reel in some little kids, I would expect it. If I was in a setting (school park, for example)that would be the child molestation equivalent of the airport for terrorists, I would definitely expect to be looked at by the police. Just as I would expect a man in a turban to be one of the "randomly" selected people for additional screening. Arresting someone based off skin color is not the same thing as a minor inconvenience in the airport.

Yes, I am quite white.


#17

I honestly couldn't find this out for sure, but isn't it against the law for single adult males to hang around children's parks?

If so, I am a single adult male and I have no problem with this law at all. And if it's not a law...it should be.


#18

I object to this post for furthering the stereotype that Sarah Silverman is funny.


#19

Isnt it odd that Maher and Coulter once dated and are still friends? U know about that Hunter?


#20

I think she has her funny moments.